#je5ter

[elredje5ter]

[elredje5ter]

Clarity

Random: These past couple weeks there's been a strong calling for fellowship and an equally strong desire. Desire v. Duty will always be a battle, but I know church isn't about brick and mortar.  It's a connection based on equal foundation, equal understanding, equal respect. I am so grateful every day for the individuals who make it a point to reach out, check in, check up, and even offer perspectives. You get what you ask for, just be specific. I've become so much more conscious of the way I formulate my words and in doing so, the "clarity"; that I so often focus on refining, is the very thing that allows me to realize the gift of companionship. Regardless of mental or emotional state I am delivered from the power of darkness, whether through affirmations, visions or timing. I'm not always sure of every decision but I am always committed to them. I feel like that's the one thing that ensures that; no matter what, it'll always be ok. I received a message recently that said: "They either pray for you, or pray on you. Ask yourself: Which is it?" So, which is it?

[elredje5ter]

After midnight

Watching restrictions become bubbles of building greatness. Echoes of doubt turn to shouts of motivation. Remembering every sound while it rips light through darkness. Screaming casual statements as a reiteration of self worth in shadows far greater than the corners they once held you in.

It’s become quite clear that no one comes near the bars you reach for. I’ll leap while you just watch. Stars form lines guiding these mixed directionals. Maybe I’m a professional.

L.Redd

[elredje5ter]

This seats taken

The difference between you and I.

Outward coward internal inferno.

Constantly waiting for who might be daring.

Thousand miles an hour these thoughts rip through the air like a million initiations provoked with pedestals knocked over by intentions intent on cravings which poke-

Poking for emotions I shy from but entertain me while I dodge them.

L.Redd

[elredje5ter]

Ready?

What I wanted I got. When I got it it was better than I expected So I wanted differently.      ain’t up to me. What I asked for was based on conditions of past traditions I ain’t realize I ain’t never put to rest    like where’s the rest? how do I get this one to last it ain’t like the things I just left           i left a mess

i MEAN i warned them. What I longed for I got. Under the undertone of the things I grew to know I prepared for a luke warm serving of reborn metaphors I said I Seen it all before but its like you heard me and built a door just to tell me I ain’t never tried this one before. Like where they do that at? If I ain’t know better Id say its a trap  cat and mouse  in the field around the house it’s a push and pull cause you don’t wanna let me in but you cant let me go I mean, I know. I get it.  We’re both kinda magnetic It’s a little toxic slightly polar opposite A parallel duality  because you’d rather be entertaining  personalities that reflect the former person I used to be  while simultaneously ignoring the fuck out of me. let me back up.

I mean. Youd rather be entertaining the personalities  That reflect the former person I used to be because you and me obtain a similarity in our nature to nurture the ways we fell short or lacked clarity through our connections with others.       A parody. If you will.

[elredje5ter]

Reflecting on Manifestations

This morning I woke up with a thought that has been consistently floating around. I woke up slightly blah, wondering what’s next to look forward to. Bouncing around all of the things I have going on and asking if I’m doing enough or what’s right. This weird desire to always do what’s right. And I realized something. 

I always look for messages and signs. I read my horoscope and go to church. I sage, and pray. I converse with heavy thinkers. I listen intently to poets, eyes closed, and when I feel something resonates I move on it. If its a confirmation I continue course, if it seems like a foreshadow or a warning I will evaluate and address areas I feel may need attention. If I need to adjust or limit or change, I begin to do those things. If I feel like I should pay special caution, I will. One thing that has been faithful to that process; however, is that whatever I’m “preparing” for, almost never ends up being what unfolds. The ways in which I can see things align or looks like a smooth path is rarely ever smooth. Contrarily, it ends up being the extraction of whatever comfort shield I’ve nestled myself under. What’s funny about that is, I notice my initial interpretation is that xyz is a terrible turn of events and now I must scramble to make it right. I have to cut more out to put a microscope on what’s current. 

I don’t know if other’s experience this. What I do know is that in current events and interactions I’ve realized that this leads to heavy isolation. The plus side, is that your focus is on improvement. The down side, is the inevitable need to undo these behaviors once you’ve “finally reached a point where you’re comfortable” or have “finished fixing” or whatever. Because, the whole goal is to be in a position in life where you’re content and things are smooth and life is butterflies and never-ending dandelions which for some strange reason in your mind always seem much more vibrant and beautiful than they generally are in real life. and there’s always super green perfect grass which is only seen in Ireland or when treated by TrueGreen and there’s countless moths and super blue skies.

Don’t get me wrong. That image is hope and we should all never let it go. But, perhaps the extraction is because the shield is really a weight. Perhaps you get a flat tire because you were never suppose to take the trip anyway. And today, and every day that you wake up is a chance to do something new, create something greater than whatever limitations that shield is preventing you from doing. Maybe what you think is a loss in the long run saves you thousands of dollars in damage control because your blinders have made you complacent in current circumstances while you wait on some big outside influence to save the day.

So today, we live for today. We stop pushing people and offerings away. We stop waiting to do something just because we believe there will be a better time. We counteract our limiting beliefs by actively acting against each one as they surface. We say thank you for everything, and not just as a habit but truly connect to the gratitude. We recognize that our frustrations are a perspective tied to our limitations and our expressions are projections which we need to address within ourselves. We learn to not fear our own reactions and live proactively. 

"Paradigms are powerful because they creae the lense through which we see the world. The power o a paradigm shift is the essential power of quantum change, whether that shift is an instantaneous or slow and deliberate process”

“It is not what others do or even our own mistakes that hurt us the most; it is our response to those things.” -The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People 

[elredje5ter]

Still trying to understand

how people write without a vice.

I need advice.

Preseason for this new me

Feels like dapping up friendly enemies.

Displaying multiple pedigrees

On transforming.

Not forcing

All the ways one could foresee

That divorcing ideologies might result in toxic nonsense

I mean it’s common.

Though admitting it; maybe isn’t

At least not until you get tired of the waving finger

Condemning you to repent.

I mean it makes sense

But the condemning doesn’t

So we regress so we can digest

I mean digress until it makes sense.

Whatever.

Temporary and often.

Cyclical like clocks and

Calendars, lunar cycles and stopwatches

Hm.

I’m just trying not to overthink the lack of attention I seek.

[elredje5ter]

I’ve been neglecting my tumblr.

Always comes creeping when I’m tired of saying “I got this.”

Truthfully; I don’t got shit.

Just some half shuffled dusty ass dreams disconnected from reality.

I lost a lot of me, I don’t know where to get it back at.

So I just snap at anyone who wanna show me support through the stress. Like, what a mess.

“A day at a time” they say. “Progress takes time.”

Approximately 12,045 of them and all I’ve done is lost count of sorrows and fuck ups.

Sorry I fucked up.

I’m just talking to myself though, even when it is directed towards them they don’t hear me.

I’ve gotten good at forcing the world around me to take a step back.

My silence is offensive and my frustration is misplaced. If I can’t carry this weight what makes you think that you can?

I’m drowning in plain sight, really not even too pressed on swimming out of it this time.