Hi, could you maybe write something about Hawke overhearing the Fenris/Anders banter where Fenris says leaving Hawke was the hardest thing he's ever done?
This got dramatic…
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They were in the Hanged Man, at the usual table, and Fenristhought it mutually beneficial that they do their best to ignore one another.
Chance and circumstance had led to Fenris being forced toshare the table alone with the abomination. Corff had a singer in tonight, andIsabela and Merrill were up dancing together, while Varric and Hawke placed thegroup’s orders at the bar. Sebastian had yet to arrive, and Aveline wasworking, and in the busy press of week’s end revelers, it was all Fenris coulddo to keep the table from being commandeered by another group. He had alreadyhad to stop the theft of several chairs.
The abomination certainly wasn’t any help. Anders hadplanted himself in the seat to the right of Hawke’s usual spot, and he wouldnot be moved. He would spend the night flirting, flattering, teasing the othermage, and there was nothing Fenris could do about it.
Fenris had considered leaving, decided not to, then caughthimself considering it again. He sternly kept himself from glancing back at thebar, from letting his eyes linger on that broad back, those sturdy shoulders.He plucked at the scrap of red bound ‘round his wrist, and tried to steelhimself for a difficult evening.
Hawke had no reason now not to finally succumb to the abomination’sadvances. Anders was persistent, and Hawke was always so much friendlier oncehe had a few drinks in him.
Fenris kept thinking about leaving. He should get up, walkout, leave Hawke to whatever mistakes he would make. Fenris being there wouldjust hold him back – though it was not as if Fenris any longer had the right toan opinion on what Hawke did. He hardly deserved to so much as look at the man.He –
Oh, but if only it didn’t ache so.
“I can’t imagine what Hawke sees in you.”
The bitterly bit out words broke through his thoughts, so inline with the direction his mind had wandered that Fenris was nearlysuspicious. When he looked up, it was to find the abomination’s eyes locked onhim, bright with jealousy and hatred.
Fenris knew that Anders had been the first to see Hawke,after he’d left him. Whatever state Hawke had been in and Anders had seen it.
Fenris’s voice was unexpectedly tight when he answered. Hetold him, “It is done. Leave it be.”
“Good,” Anders said, surprised and pleased. His eyesflickered past him, to Hawke at the bar behind him. He sat up a littlestraighter. “I always thought he had some sense,” he said. He looked smug.
Fury rushed through Fenris in a sudden wave, and he found hehad to grip the edge of the table to keep from grabbing the man. Suddenly hewanted nothing more than to throttle the blond, to punch, and punch, and punch, until his fists were red with theabomination’s blood.
“Do not make light of this!” Fenris snarled, dizzy with hisanger, his guilt, his self-disgust. He wouldleave, he decided. It was simply too soon. He couldn’t be around them all. Aroundthe abomination, smirking and pleased. Around Hawke. “Leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” He pushedback his chair and rose.
When he turned around, Hawke was behind him.
–
Hawke found him outside. The cool evening air was like aslap in the face, and the comparative quiet to the din inside seemed deafening.Fenris’s hands were shaking. He felt sick.
Hawke approached, and Fenris moved to meet him withoutthought.
“I can’t,” hesaid. “I can’t do this.” His forehead against Hawke’s shoulder, he was hardlyaware of the arms that closed so slowly around him, as if nothing at all hadchanged between them. It felt too natural to be wrong.
“Fenris,” Hawke said, almost the same way he had said I love you, and Fenris remembered, andhe made himself pull away. It was colder, without Hawke.
“I should leave,” Fenris said. He couldn’t meet Hawke’seyes. “Kirkwall has no place for me without you. I should have known.”
“Things – don’t have to change, Fenris.”
He was already shaking his head. “I can’t - !”
“Since when is sleeping with me a prerequisite for being myfriend?”
The question surprised him enough that Fenris looked up.
He knew that Hawke wanted to reach for him again. He couldsee it in the stiff way he held himself, how tightly his jaw was clenched. Hishands were fists at his side – and it was hard, remembering how those hands hadfelt against his flesh, how gently and reverently Hawke had touched him. He’dkissed every inch of Fenris’s skin, as if reclaiming his body from the horrorsthat had created him.
“I hurt you,” Fenris said.
Hawke shook his head. “You can break my heart every day forthe rest of our lives and I wouldn’t care, so long as you were happy.”
“Hawke,” Fenris began.
“I love you,” Hawke said, sternly. “I’ve loved you foryears. But you weren’t comfortable with – with what happened. So, it won’thappen again. I’m still your friend. It doesn’t change anything.”
Fenris didn’t answer. He found himself plucking at Hawke’sfavor again. He found he couldn’t bear the thought of returning to a life onthe run. He couldn’t bear the thought of a life that didn’t have Hawke in it.
“Please, come back inside,” Hawke said.
Fenris made himself look at him. Something inside him,something stronger than fear, achedfor him.
But he had ruined all of that.
He asked, “How do you bear it?”
Hawke just said, “Please.”
Fenris swallowed. He could feel Hawke’s fingers just barelybrush his back as he turned to return to the Hanged Man. He stopped and lookedback, and Hawke guiltily let his hand drop.
Fenris said, “If I could – then I would.”
Hawke’s smile was strained. He answered, “I know.”
