God Complex | Jean x Reader
Pairing: Jean Kirstein x Reader Inspiration: “I never got to tell her how I feel about her.” - Jean Kirstein, The Battle for Trost Summary: What happens when two people collide in an unexpected way? Genre: Rivals to Lovers, Angst, Fluff Warnings: Violence, Blood, Swearing, SPOILERS S1 WC: 5.1K A/N: I am in love with Jean Kirstein. Other: Masterlist
“Hey, focus, or are you too busy staring at my beautiful hair?” You teased, tugging a strand alluringly. The boy in front of you blushed and then furrowed his eyebrows. He was handsome, you’d give him that.
“I am focused,” Jean hissed, “you are completely insufferable, but your tricks don’t work on me.”
You grinned and lowered yourself into a fighting stance. You gestured to him to move.
“Come on then, show me what you’re made of.”
The dusty training grounds for hand to hand combat were a good place to make enemies, and boy, you had wanted to wipe the smug grin off Jean Kirstein’s face for months now. Honestly, you couldn’t care less about hand to hand combat or learning how to fight other people, you just wanted to prove that you were better than Jean. Coming from inside of Wall Sina, you weren’t that accustomed to getting messy. Your family was well off, your mother a devout follower of the walls.
Still, you joined the military. You yearned to be a soldier, to prove that you were more than fancy gowns and jewels. Thus, it had instantly rubbed you the wrong way when Jean had commented on your all too styled hair or the fact that your hands remained callous free.
The callouses were forming, but they were small, and your body ached every day. It didn’t matter, though, because you knew you were tough. You were a fighter. Now, with the day becoming an orange hue on the horizon, you would show Jean just what a fighter you were.
You had observed Annie a few times, and even though you weren’t particularly good at anything when you first conscripted, you picked up things fast. Perhaps it was an excellent mimicry ability, but you liked to observe.
“You really think you’re all that, huh?” Jean laughed, “you’re going to eat shit.”
He lunged forward and you took a step back, watching his momentum carry him past you. Then, you shoved him forward. He face planted, but to your dismay, he got up with a smile. You felt Annie watching you carefully.
“Nice one, but can you take this?” He charged again, and you prepared yourself, except he stepped to the side suddenly. He wrapped his arms around your waist and threw you to the dirt. Your back hit the hard ground the air flew from your lungs. You wheezed uncomfortably and just lay in the dirt for a moment, trying to catch your breath. Okay, he’d got you there, but that must be a fluke, right?
You took a deep, shuddering, breath in as he laughed and rolled onto his feet. His brown hair was waving in the wind and he bent down, offering his hand. You looked away, face burning. You wouldn’t accept defeat like this. Your eyes trailed to the surrounding recruits. All of these recruits thought their lives were important, you were no different. Your life didn’t feel insignificant or something worth wasting. You were exactly like everybody else by feeling like nobody else. You grasped his hand and gripped tightly.
“Hey, you’re gonna take off some fingers if you do that,” Jean started, but as you stood, you kicked his legs out from under him. You pushed yourself to your feet, your uniform now beyond dirty, and swiped some loose specks off your pants.
“Never let your guard down,” you whispered. It was pathetic, even you could see that. It was like a last ditch effort for a struggling animal. This was all a matter of pride, really. You refused to back down and you refused to lose to Jean Kirstein.
“That was cheap,” he muttered unhappily, getting back onto his feet. He rubbed his neck and walked away. You were bored, but it seemed that Jean didn’t really care about fighting anyone else either. You watched him stumble around, still groaning about his back if someone came up to him. He seemed fine to you.
“You know, this wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t provoke that suicidal maniac,” you grinned as he nursed his bruising cheek.
“He started it,” Jean grumbled as you leaned against his bunk beds frame.
“And you continued it, idiot,” you rolled your eyes and pushed off the frame and headed for the door. You’d helped him to his quarters after his little skirmish with Eren, and he hadn’t complained. Then the second you sat him down, he had the audacity to say that you didn’t need to help him, as if he wasn’t swaying on his feet. Jean was still your comrade in arms and though you had a deep seated dislike of the man, he did earn your sympathy with that pathetic fight.
“Why do you even care,” he said through gritted teeth. He was looking down and you couldn’t tell if it was because he was embarrassed, ashamed, or angry. His hand rested on his forehead, the other was clenched in a fist. You widened your eyes and turned around.
“I don’t care, Jean,” you began and took a step towards the man with a wide smile, “I just wanted to make sure you were actually injured. It serves you right. Maybe you should have used the techniques I showed you.”
You could recognize Annie’s moves anywhere and the fact that Eren used them showed that he actually payed attention. So what of Jean? How pitiful. Was he really so full of himself that he thought he could win?
“How are you so naturally gifted then, huh?”
“I worked at it,” you looked at your nails and then crouched next to him. His eyes trailed you, “I know that even though I have many comrades in arms now, any of them could easily become my enemy. You should understand that.”
“They would never be our enemies,” Jean sat up fully and looked at you, rolling his shoulders and staring at you incredulously. Your smile widened.
“Sure thing, Jean, but I already have an enemy with a major God complex.”
You headed for the door and paused at the door as he began to laugh, “I have the god complex? You are far worse than I am.”
Tch. Your teeth grinded together and you tightened your fingers around the door handle, trying to decide if you should respond. Well, fine, you’d play the villain if he wanted you to. You left without another word. You’d always been a pretty decisive person, and strong-willed at that.
When you stepped outside, Annie was leaned against the wall beside the door. You and her weren’t exactly close, but you’d gained mutual respect.
“Do I have a god complex?” You asked Annie. She looked away and began to walk across the dirt.
“I don’t care,” she said softly and you frowned as she retreated across the yard to her cabin. Well, it was your cabin too, but you didn’t feel like going to bed yet. The torches illuminated the dirt and the sky above was clear. You could see every star, where the moon cut through the night, bathing the world in an eerie luminescence. You wanted to savor this moment, even though your stomach was churning after your conversation with Jean.
Were you a bad person? Maybe. Did you care what Jean Kirstein had to say? Absolutely not.
“Can you believe we’re graduating today?” Sasha smiled her usual sunny smile and you grinned.
“It’s hard to believe, Sasha,” you chuckled. You tapped your foot against the wall. It was such a beautiful day, a perfect day to graduate. Standing atop the wall, you could see all of Trost. The walls were cramped, when you were inside them, but being able to stand on them gave you sweeping, panoramic views. How could you ever return to your life of sitting in dining rooms and going to dances? You just couldn’t.
“Are you going to join the Military Police?” Annie interrupted Sasha and yours conversation. You didn’t mind, though, Annie never spoke.
“Uh, you know, I was thinking of just joining Garrison.” Yes, the soldiers who got to stand on the walls, to fortify the great walls that kept humanity safe. You couldn’t think of a more noble task.
“Why?” Annie asked, her cold blue eyes looking you over, her head tilted.
“Hey, it’s okay to not join the MPs, although I don’t understand why you wouldn’t…” Sasha whispered.
“I don’t want to be safe,” you sighed, “I want to make a difference.”
“Oh, how heroic.” You knew that voice. A grating on your ears.
“Kirstein, I don’t recall this conversation involving you,” you said lightly, a bite coming through your voice.
“You know,” he continued, ignoring your remark, “nothing ever happens in Garrison anyway. If you really want to be heroic and all that, make a difference, why don’t you just join the scouts?” He had this shit-eating grin on his face and your fingers curled into fists.
“Okay, enough, you two,” Sasha sighed and tried to step between you two, but she couldn’t stop the fire now. Annie seemed to grow bored and left, leaving Sasha alone with two cannons ready to explode.
“Horse face,” you shot.
“God complex,” he responded just as easily.
“I don’t even have one. I literally want to help other people,” you argued.
“Ego maniac?”
“You are insufferable. I can’t believe you’re my comrade.”
“Have you ever considered,” he peered into your eyes with a cold gaze, “that you’re just telling yourself you have to put up with me because I’m your comrade, but you actually like me?”
Your cheeks began to redden and he backed away, shoving his hands into his pockets. He had a knowing look on his face.
“Don’t you want to go back to your little, comfortable, life inside the walls? Most people here would envy you if they found out what I know,” he whispered.
“More like I’d find myself suddenly in good company,” you eyed the other recruits, “you know, maybe I will join the Scouts.”
“You’d throw away your life over a silly remark? You know, I thought you were smarter than that, but go ahead and join the suicidal maniac.”
“Happily,” you said through gritted teeth, your jaw grinding.
Jean was staring at you, but it wasn’t cold or defiant. You couldn’t quite place it. His stare was softer and something foreign, something warmer. He looked you over and then glanced away.
In a quieter voice, he murmured, “don’t join the Scouts. I was just kidding.” Maybe it was because he knew you’d do it. You weren’t one to joke around and never do what you promised.
“Fine. I’ll think about it,” you said, triumphant with what appeared to be him backing down from the fight. Victorious.
“Guys,” Sasha walked towards the group and you two followed her. Reloading cannons and polishing equipment did get quite boring, “look what I got,” she pulled out a slab of meat and gave a dopey smile.
Your mouth watered at the sight of the meat. The smell itself just intoxicating.
“I stole it from the officer’s storehouse,” she said as if it was nothing, “we can eat it after we’re done with this! We can just grow more cattle once we reclaim our lands.”
“Sasha…” you started and then closed your eyes, “I want some!”
Jean stared at you with horror, “I don’t know if this is a good idea–”
“Please let me have some too!” Conny shouted and soon everyone was joining in.
“Okay, fine,” Jean clenched his jaw and then smiled, “I would like a piece as well!”
You chuckled and, seeing the group coming together, you felt as though perhaps you’d never need to use that hand to hand combat. These people weren’t your enemies, just as Jean had said. Maybe, just maybe, you’d get through it together. These people, the walls. Just you and your comrades. You had a sense of responsibility, but when were you ever just a kid? These people made you feel like a kid again. The joking and the screams of joy. You watched Sasha place the meat in a box and you all started to return to your jobs, cleaning with vigor.
A thunderous crack. A flash of light.
Trainees, really? The military was so desperate that they would use trainees? You jumped off the roof and onto the next, watching to titans pile into Trost. The people. The people. It was a massacre like you’d never seen before. There was so much blood. The liquid just bathed the streets and there wasn’t a single stone without a speck of iron red on it.
You sat down and contemplated your options. You were going to die here, right? In every attack in history, that you could think of, there was always the immediate reaction, the one that caused the most deaths. Then there was the planned reaction where things were actually solved.
So why did you have to get caught up in the immediate reaction? You clenched your swords. You’d killed plenty of titan dummies. The real thing was so much harder. You couldn’t even bring yourself to raise a sword against them without shaking.
They moved, they were unpredictable. Maybe this was humanity’s punishment.
“Fuck!” You held your head, a headache quickly overtaking your mind. There was too much to think about, too much mental pain.
So you needed to shut it off. You and the rest of your group from the wall were separated now. Your squad was gone. It was only you. You’d have time to mourn them later. Their pained screams were ringing through your mind, but you needed to pull yourself together.
“Alright, you’ve got this,” you whispered furiously and gripped your blades tighter. You shut off that fear response, instead coming to the resolve that this would be the battlefield you died on. You no longer cared for your life, you’d run in, foolishly.
A scream, a familiar voice. For some reason it had your heart racing, as if it could pound any harder than it already was. You rushed to the other side of the building and saw Jean, grasped in a titan’s hand. Your eyes widened, standing there stupidly as he met your eyes.
“Help me!” He screeched and it kicked you into action.
You jumped off the roof, latching onto the titan’s nape. A deep, spurting, wound. The titan fell. Your blades had dug deep. You’d been one of the more consistent and efficient slayers of the recruits. You were just glad you’d snapped out of whatever daze came with watching your comrades get eaten.
As the titan fell, an ugly little one, you hooked your arm under Jean’s armpit and pulled him to a nearby roof. You dropped him unceremoniously and you took in deep, heaving breaths.
“Oh, I’m going to be sick,” you covered your mouth. Your fear was turning into nausea, but you refused to lose your lunch. You stood, your hands resting on your knees. Jean was sitting, dumbfounded on his ass.
“At least save it for when I’m not around,” he tried to tease, but the paleness in both of your faces completely threw off any attempt of joking. He was looking at his hands and you were looking at yours. Both were shaking.
“Hey, argue with me, dumbass,” he finally said, “tell me what I did was stupid or something.”
You didn’t have the energy, instead leaning against the chimney on the roof. The tiles were absolutely wrecked and you could hear the faint screams of people nearby. You just shook your head and closed your eyes, looking up to the sky. He watched you and then stood, walking towards you.
“Oi, did you hear me?”
“No energy, Jean. Can you just quit it?”
“No, say something stupid again,” he demanded, “pretend we’re back in bootcamp.”
“But we’re not in boot camp, Jean.” You opened your eyes drowsily and saw his looming figure.
“Yes, you are,” he insisted and he held out his hand. You gently batted it away. The adrenaline was leaving your body and you had no strength to even think of standing. Every part of you was sore and your wrist hurt.
“You’re fucking dumb, Kirstein. You go and get yourself caught by a titan and drag me into this mess,” you finally grumbled, but it didn’t have the effect you expected. He smiled widely and you grasped his hand, heaving yourself up.
“You’re right,” he said, “don’t let it get to your head, though.”
You found yourself grinning now too. You tightened your grip on his hand and nodded, “oh I definitely am.”
“We need your help over on the west side! The people aren’t evacuating fast enough.” A soldier screamed. Another came over the other building.
“And on the south side titans are all over us,” the other soldier panted. They both stopped and saw the two of you, “is it just you guys left?”
“Well, I got separated from my squad and…” Jean trailed off and looked to you. You had a grim look on your face.
“My entire squad has fallen. I’m the only one left,” you said lowly. The soldiers looked at each other and then nodded.
“We’ll take one each. We need all the help we can get.” The south soldier commanded and you looked at Jean. The only person you knew was a person you couldn’t stand, but now he was someone familiar. In an environment like this, who would notice if you died? It was nice to see a face you recognized. Fuck. You didn’t want to separate, but you had your duties.
“I’ll go south,” you announced and put your hand on Jean’s shoulder. He looked conflicted as well, “you go west,” you commanded.
“But the titans–” he hesitated, “I’ll go to the south.”
“No,” you said harshly, “you’ve already shown you can’t handle yourself. I saved your ass. I can turn off this little part in my brain,” you gestured to your head, “that makes me afraid. You clearly can’t,” you wanted to save him once more, if selfishly, “I didn’t spend all my effort saving you just for you to go die again. Now shut up and listen,” you gripped his shoulder tighter as he stared at you in horror, “I’m not trying to discredit you here, Jean, but don’t you trust me?”
He closed his eyes in thought and then let out a deep breath. He pulled your hand off his shoulder and gave it a quick squeeze, which you tried your best not to react to. The man brushed his hand through his hair and then chuckled.
“There’s no one I’d trust more,” he finally relented and you wished you didn’t have to part. Maybe, after facing death, you two could truly see eye to eye. In the eyes of death, it didn’t matter who you were, your status, how you led your life. Death took all.
“Don’t forget about me, okay, Jean?” You smiled softly and crossed by him to follow the south side soldier. Even though you were shaking at the thought of being thrown back into battle, you refused to let Jean die.
“You won’t let me, when I see you again,” he frowned, but you both knew the likelihood of coming back alive from the southern side of Trost was a very small chance.
“Of course,” you assured and hopped off the roof, zipping from roof to roof, dodging titan after titan. His figure grew smaller behind you and then disappeared as he went to fulfill his duty.
Jean himself hadn’t been able to figure out why he entertained your teasing, but he solved it as he watched you go.
“I never got to tell her how I feel about her,” he finally murmured.
Your wrist was really starting to hurt. After slaying two titans, you were already worn out. You had no idea how Mikasa did it. She seemed to kill them effortlessly and she never seemed to tire. You wished you had that stamina, but that life wasn’t for you. You were destined to be tired, to be worn down, to be a human. You flexed your wrist and winced. You knew that if you dropped your swords now and let the adrenaline leave you, that you’d never get back up. You were beyond exhaustion.
You saw another titan and you glanced at your gear. You tapped the tanks on your ODM gear. Almost empty. You could kill this titan, but what of the two not three blocks away? You brushed strands of hair out of your face. Where was everyone? You looked around, desperately trying to find any of the members of the squad you had just joined. No, there was no one.
“Guys?” You called out, “come on, you can’t all be dead,” your voice began to shake.
Dread was looming over you. Yes, you had your duty as a soldier, you followed orders to a tee, but you couldn’t believe this feeling that was crawling up your gut. Regret. You took a deep breath in and once again focused on the task at hand. You refused to die with regrets.
You pulled the trigger and sunk your swords deep into the titan’s nape. Then you turned around the see the other two titans approaching, ever closer. Your hope was waning as time passed. You were basically out of gas now. Where were the suppliers? You glanced towards HQ and felt your stomach drop. Titans were crawling all over the building.
You held your wrist, suddenly letting out a small screech of pain. God, it just hurt so bad. You hoped it was a sprain and that was all. You were pretty close to HQ, but there was no way in hell that you would get through with all those titans. You jumped to the rooftop next to your building, trying to put more distance between you and the two titans behind.
“Think, think,” you whispered furiously to yourself, once again. There was no way you survived this, right?
Then, like hope reincarnated, you saw Jean. He was leading a group of other recruits. They were headed for HQ. Your eyes widened. There was no way. They’d all die, right? This must be some sick joke, like a suicide charge.
“Wait, don’t–” your voice was so meek. Your mouth was tired of speaking, your throat was dry. You coughed.
A scream. A titan? You stumbled backwards. Just out of thin air, a huge titan had appeared, it looked unlike the other titans and it crouched into a fighting stance. There was something so uniquely…human about that titan. What was even stranger, was that the titan began to fight the others. You were stunned. While you were standing there dumbly, you saw Jean take the opportunity. Okay, it was time to act too.
You jumped and prayed you had enough gas left as you followed his lead. Damn, you couldn’t believe you were following Jean Kirstein. You did have to admit he had good instincts. He saw the opportunity, he took it. That was a good moment of leadership, you’d give him that.
You crashed through the window of the building, feeling the glass slice across your cheek. Oh well, just a little inconvenience, but when you finally had caught your breath, Jean was watching you with wide eyes.
“You worried or something?” You barked as his eyes caught the cut on your face.
“Not at all.” He turned away and walked towards the common area of the building.
“You guys understand the plan?” Armin looked between all the recruits, “it’s…not that well polished, but–”
“But it’s the best we got,” Jean affirmed and Armin looked away sheepishly.
“I don’t want anyone to get hurt, okay?” the blonde boy said.
“Hurt is inevitable, that’s what we signed up for,” you stated plainly, “we’ve all seen enough comrades die to fulfill a lifetime at this point. I doubt another would hurt any worse.” but you caught Jean watching you intently, his mouth a twisted frown.
“There are some people that I wouldn’t like to lose,” Jean spoke up, “so I think it would be painful, but you’re right,” he clenched his hands, “there’s no helping it.”
You tilted your head as the others walked away to start putting the plan into motion.
“What was that about, Jean?” You demanded as you readied your gear. Being one of the better titan slayers in the group, you were going to join the smaller group of cadets to help kill the titans below. Your wrist was a low pounding in the back of your mind. Right, you needed to kill this last one before your wrist got too much worse.
“I think you should just go with the others in the lift. We’ll get Sasha to take your place,” Jean started and you furrowed your eyebrows.
“What’s gotten into you?” You frowned, “you know I’m one of the best and I somehow survived until now. I thought you trusted me?”
“I just don’t think it’s a good idea,” he grasped your arm and you couldn’t help a hiss as he touched your wrist. His eyes widened, “you’re injured too. Don’t be idiotic!”
“I’m always idiotic, dumbass,” you shot back, but with less fire.
“Why are we even arguing?” Jean sighed, “Our friends have died and this is all we can do? This might be our best shot. I can’t lose another person, please just go with the others.”
“No,” you pushed back and ripped your arm out his grasp, despite the pain.
“Quit being so stubborn. It’s like you don’t even care what I have to say. Just listen to me.”
You suddenly reached out and grasped his hand, carefully holding it. He hesitated.
“I like arguing with you, Jean. It makes me feel human and alive,” you tilted your head, “And I wouldn’t argue if I didn’t care about what you had to say,” you pulled out the last of your swords, “see you, Jean.”
“Hold.” Marco was shaking, like everyone else in the lift. You crouched on a beam, ready. You felt sorry for them. Everyone was shaking like a leaf, but they remained firm. If you all died here, at least you’d go down together. No, you wouldn’t let them down.
The titans moved forward, their eyes pressing right up to the barrels of the guns. A few people whimpered in fear. You took a deep breath in, calming the nerves in your stomach. If you missed, you’d probably die and so would others. You had to make it. Marco held the signal to fire until the titans were less than an inch away.
Bang!
Shot upon shot was fired into the titans’ eyes, blinding them.
“Now!” Someone screamed, but you were too nervous out of your mind to even care who.
You jumped up and ran until you were directly above your target titan. With all your strength, you let yourself fall towards its nape, slicing down decisively. Then, right as your sword was about to hit its nape, the pain in your wrist exploded like fireworks. You let out a screech of pain as you instinctively dropped the sword in your injured hand, leaving a single scratch mark on the beast’s nape. You were blinded with pain, the world spinning as you fell back. You’d left one sword in the beast and the other was clutch in your uninjured hand.
“Y/N missed!” Reiner shouted and you backed away from the creature that was now headed straight for you.
No, this wasn’t how it ended, right? You didn’t just fail completely, right? You felt your throat close up and for once, you let the fear course through your veins, you couldn’t stop it. Everything that was built up suddenly released in a wave of nauseous fear. Sure, you’d been a bit overconfident, but you didn’t deserve to die like this.
“No, no, no,” you dove out of the way as it lunged, with its huge hands swiping at you.
Then, right as you were on the verge of a decisive end, a person swooped down and sliced the beast. You took in a shuddering breath as you watched the titan fall to the side. You looked up to thank your savior, but the moment was instantly ruined upon seeing who it was. He was taking in heaving breaths as well, his eyes wide as he stared at you.
“I told you that you were too injured,” he panted. You gingerly stood from your place on the floor, caressing your wrist.
“I expected to see your smug horseface staring at me,” you tried to joke, but you’d now both seen death on your doorstep twice.
Jean nodded a little and then sheathed his swords. He held out his hand and you stared, confused. He tilted his head.
“We’re even now,” he said lightly.
He headed to the gas canisters and began to refill his tanks. You followed him, at a loss for words. You watched as he went about replenishing his gear, but you couldn’t focus. You had this feeling in your gut, a sinking feeling, and you wondered if he felt it too.
“Jean, wait,” you suddenly grasped his arm when he was done. He looked caught off guard and raised an eyebrow, “don’t you dare get separated from me again. You’ll get yourself killed.” Was all you could muster, despite the word vomit threatening to come out–like how he suddenly and mysteriously made you feel comfort in a world as cruel as this one.
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” he looked you up and down and smiled, “never thought I’d see you worried about me.”
“Don’t get too comfortable, I’m more concerned about your health and safety,” you stammered, “as a comrade, of course.”
He had a cocky grin on his face, but it didn’t piss you off like it usually did. He took a step towards you and you found it quite hard to swallow all of a sudden. This wasn’t anything like basic training, where you easily threw him to the dirt time after time. Now, he had the power and you were busy feeling injured and ashamed that you let down the others. Jean leaned down, his nose brushing yours and your cheeks were red immediately.
“I’m perfectly comfortable here, are you?” He whispered fiendishly. You pushed him off a little because everything was becoming hot. Your hands were sweating and the room felt like it had become at least ten degrees warmer.
“Why wouldn’t I be comfortable?” You tried to bite back stubbornly, but your words were falling off. Then you smiled. You were going to take control now. You pushed back towards him, leaning in and looking up with wide eyes, “if you’re so comfortable, why don’t you just kiss me already, idiot?”
He grabbed your jacket and pulled you into a deep kiss, “how about that for comfort?”
You pulled away with a grin, “yeah, that’s pretty damn good for a dumbass.”
to be continued...?