Jessika ft. Jennifer Brening - “Who we are”
40th place
It always lowkey bemuses me that it took FIVE people to write this shitty ass song. It’s literally a Ralph Siegel version of “Heroes” <3
The Eurovision Gods giveth and the Eurovision Gods taketh. For all intents and purposes, “Who We Are” is their gift to make up for all awful shit we had to endure during the preshow, for rare is the selection that reads like a literal fanfic. I don’t exactly have time to recap it all (actually, I *do* have the time, but I don’t feel like spending it on a country I’m ranking 21st, soz.), but essentially it went down like this:
“Zoë Straub came, saw and bitchfaced her way through hundreds of hungry famewhores, only to hand the ten last mewling imps Siegelfied parodies of famous hits. Oh and the Heroes parody, sung by desperate ratchet cunt Jessika Muscat won over the one entry universally deemed competent, because robots and memes and shit”
It was an absolute shitstorm and of course it led to what was by far the shittiest entry in the entire year. I say “Shittiest” with some affection however, as “Who We Are” is entertainingly bad: The unconvincing, generic “Be Yourself” message that only appeals to nihilistic gays <3 The palpable desperation leaking through every note and pore <3 The wee robots <3 “HEY IT’S ME JENNY B” which is a totally pointless interlude yet also the musical highlight of the song <3 Can I also mention my appreciation for Jenifer who, after spending months pretending to be her bestie, ruthlessly deleted Jessika off social media mere DAYS after the final <3 What a glorious, beautiful mess.
YET SOMEHOW THEY DIDN’T FINISH LAST <333333
All the Australian gays powerbottomvoting Jess & Jenny B to second last in the semifinal <3 (and the Maltese too I guess, but they would’ve voted for Dustin the Singing Turkey if *he* were Maltese, so no brownie points there, I’m afraid)
But we are mostly here, in this middling rank, because of the ROBOTS. It’s San Marino, so my trash expectations were fairly high. Perhaps, too high? It briefly looked as if “Who We Are” would reach the same “Nichola Murray leads the DoSAC cabinet” type of trainwreck status Fusedmarc and Remedios Amaya had previously achieved. Not only had they brought their wee robot dancers, they also had them hold up signs such as “I’M NOT YOUR TOY” and “JUSTICE4VALENTINA” and at one point had one of them PROPOSE marriage to Jessika (which she accepted!!!), which freaking hysterical. Somehow it didn’t become a smash meme? Probably because of the insipid message they went with over these alternatives:
Yet, for some reason, SMTV suddenly took the song anti-bullying message in earnest and turned the signs into “Sometimes / Size Doesn’t Matter ^__^” and in doing so scuttled most of the laffos potential. Like, ugh, now is NOT the time to become self-aware and downgrade from “hysterical” to “modestly bemusing”!!! Call me anal if you must, but plugging the geysters of gaylarity unsolicitedly is not a-okay in a semifinal this dull and incompetent!! Fortunately, DoReDos were there to make me completely forget about Messika and Jelly Bish forevermore :) The Eurovision Gods giveth and they taketh away indeed.
PS: Yes, “Rain of Revolution” still makes me chuckle at the sheer mention of it (”LOOKEEN FOR DA RAISINS HAMSTAR ON DA ROOOOOOAAAAAD” *ostentibly visible camera crew walks by in the background*). It still firmly holds up as one of my all-time fave trainwreck entries <3
PPS: since i know people will be interested, here is the robotmeme template i made: have fun, hunties.
21. San Marino (Jessika ft. Jenifer Brening - “Who We Are”)
22. Sweden (Benjamin Ingrosso - “Dance You Off”)
23. Austria (Cesár Sampson - “Nobody but you”)
24. Latvia (Laura Rizzotto - “Funny girl”)
25. Azerbaijan (AISEL - “X my heart”)
26. Israel (Netta - “Toy”)
27. Norway (Alexander Rybak - “That’s how you write a song”)
28. Montenegro (Vanja Radovanovic - “Inje”)
29. Armenia (Sevak Khanagyan - “Qami”)
30. Poland (Gromee ft. Lukas Meijer - “Light me up”)
31. Greece (Yianna Terzi - “Oniro mou”)
32. Georgia (Iriao - “For you”)
33. Belgium (Sennek - “A matter of time”)
34. Italy (Ermal Meta & Fabrizio Moro - “Non mi avete fatto niente)
35. Romania (The Humans - “Goodbye”)
36. Ireland (Ryan O'Shaughnessy - “Together”)
37. Croatia (Franka - “Crazy”)
38. Belarus (ALEKSEEV - “Forever”)
39. Russia (Julia Samoylova - “I Won’t Break”)
40. Spain (Amaia & Alfred - “Tu canción”)
41. Iceland (Ari Ólafsson - “Our choice”)
42. Australia (Jessica Mauboy - “We Got Love”)
43. Czech Republic (Mikolas Josef - “Lie to me”)
