#jerryedwards

[learningtobeokaywithoutyou]

Missing you is like the wind. You can't hear when it comes or see it, but it's constant. It never stops. It may slow down some days but others it doesn't miss a second. And fighting against it is no use, since the pain is so much stronger than me. It messes up my mascara, just as the wind to my hair.

Kimberly Gadberry

[learningtobeokaywithoutyou]

the fact that I cant message you and apologize anymore tears my heart up more than anything. I cant even explain.

[learningtobeokaywithoutyou]

6 months since you've been gone.

This is early. But 6 months have come and gone.

And my heart has never felt more heavier.

I was going to write out a long thing, but I just can't bring myself to.

so many times, im on the verge of breaking down because I miss you.

a song will come on and it'll take me right back to the days you loved me.

People always talked about that kind of feeling. I always thought it was nonsense until I put on a cd and I just cried.

I know you're in heaven and you're watching over all of us and you'd probably laugh at how hurt I am in this moment.

I miss you more than words, and I wish I would have told you the words I needed you to know.

They say when you're in love, you focus on the good stuff and forget about the bad, and that's exactly what you've done to me.

I can think of so many things that were right, but twice as many thing which were wrong.

I miss you so much, and I'm somewhat jealous that you're in heaven right now.

6 more months will come before I realize, and it'll be a year. and then another year. Time won't slow down for a hearbreak.

[learningtobeokaywithoutyou]

why does death have to be so hard? we didn't even talk before you died, so why does this hurt so much?

[learningtobeokaywithoutyou]

Jerry

Wow, Jerry. One month. 31 days. Four weeks and three days. 744 hours. 44,640 minutes. and  2,678,400 long seconds.

In those 44,640 minutes, not once have you left my mind. You left me here with no closure what so ever.

Thinking and looking back now, you were my first love. No one ever can take your place.

Why you? Why?

I cant stop thinking. SO MANY WHAT IFS.

What if you had been wearing a helmet? What if you had not gone four wheeling that day? What if you had not moved to Florida and just had stayed here in Corpus? What if we had not broken up? What if you tried to forgive me? What if, what if, what if?

I'm pretty sure you're driving me crazy, and its worse than when we broke up. You took forever for me to get over.

The weekend before you died, I looked at your facebook wall and I thought, wow, I hope hes happy.

You, Jerry, deserved to be happy. You made me so happy.

I wish I could find complete conversations we had, but all I have is screen shots.

You wrecked me. I want more than anything to say things to new people, things I used to tell you. and I cant. I cant because it reminds me of you.

you always told me you were going to marry me. you told me we were perfect for each other. You had my heart.

"You know what babe? We fight like an old married couple, protect each other like siblings, and love like new lovers. Do you know what that means?"

"No what?"

"It means we are perfect for each together!"

I cant take my dogs out for a walk without remembering our phone conversations. Its just like walking down memory lane.

"Hmm so you want to be my girlfriend?"

"yes!"

"too bad."

"but I love you!"

"Just kidding, will you be my girlfriend? I love you too!!"

and I just stood there smiling and capturing the moment in my head.. It was warm outside. I had just moved to my new apartment. I had just broken up with the guy before him. (long story).

So here I am.. 44,640 long minutes after the day he died. And I'm just as heartbroken (maybe even a little more)..