#jess feels

[criesbc1d]

I turn 30 in 3 days, I’m so fucking excited 😭🫶

It’s a start of a new decade of chapters.

I can’t wait for all the changes coming my way.

I’m so grateful. I’m so blessed. I’m so thankful. ❤️

[jessluvsjuice]

Every now and then a show just captures your pain

I recently started binging Greys Anatomy. I hit episode 4×09 Forever Young tonight. I had one of those "oh shit" moments. Derek: My perfect little life. Have you been paying attention at all? Miranda: Yeah, I pay attention. I pay attention! I pay attention to people in all walks of life, all types. I notice people. I see people. It's guys like you who don't see people like me. Derek: I don't see you? Miranda: I'm not talking about you, Shepherd. Just guys like you. Who don't see girls like me. We don't exist for you. We exist to do your homework! We exist to build your ego up... I am a successful married mother. I am chief resident, I am CHIEF resident of a major metropolitan hospital! I am a surgeon, who saved his life today! And he still doesn't see me... I may as well still be that high school girl with the mushroom haircut and the coke bottle glasses and the band uniform. The girl who didn't get to go to homecoming dance cause it didn't even occur to him to ask me. All those late nights tutoring him, and it didn't even occur to him to ask? Derek: Mmm. Band uniform. Really? Miranda: Do I look like I wanna be mocked by you right now? Derek: No, you don't. I'm just gonna say one thing. In high school, I was 110 pounds, and I hadn't yet figured out hair product, so I had a big afro. And, um, I had acne... and I too, wore a band uniform. Sax. Miranda: Oboe. Derek: I would have been honored to take a girl like you to homecoming. I was the teachers pet, I helped everyone with there homework. Made study guides for people, and that's all I was good for. I helped my crush of 8 years graduate, and all along he strung me along with how high school was hell on relatiinships. How I was from a different circle and he didn't want to ruin us before we started. And he told me once we graduated, oh once we graduated he wanted to try. I basically wrote that fucking term paper for him. And graduation day came he wanted me at his first semi pro football game, "needed" me "in the stands." So I left one of my oldest friends parties early. Dragged myself there alone, and he jumped into the stands a kissed another girl. A girl we went to school with, a cheerleader. He waved at me after and didn't see the the tears streaming down my face. My aunt drove me home and went on about how one day I'd find someone. But it doesn't make it hurt any less when we aren't seen. When all we'll ever be is the girl who does the homework, who helps them get through, but that's it.

[deimosluna-blog]

maybe if sam just told jess everything. maybe she would have been able to defend herself instead of being such an easy target. it wasn't azazel who came for her, just another demon. or at least put up a fight. :(

[deancasarelove]

This was Sam x poetry meta, now it's sort of a Jess x Sam x family thing? I like it. The ee cummings poem fragment is from 'somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond' and the Pablo Neruda poem I took in its entirety is called 'Perhaps not to be is to be without your being.'

I feel like Sam is the kind of guy who knows poetry. He knows it and he knows song lyrics, and everyone in his life has something that's just theirs.  In the back of his mind, he sees a person he loves and a snippet wanders through his thoughts.

For Jess, it used to be any number of sappy, silly things, but the one he remembers ten years later? Is something he used to murmur to her before bed some nights, on the nights he needed some extra grounding.  He'd curl up on his side in their bed and she'd curl up on hers so they were a set of parentheses, foreheads touching, breathing the same, toothpaste minted breathes.  Then, he'd take her hands between his and she'd tangle their legs together as best as she could.  When her breath started to even out, and she was bed-warm and sleepy, he'd start in:

"(i do not know what it is about you that closes and opens; only something in me understands the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses) nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands"

And from the moment he started to the moment he pulled her hands to his lips and breathed a kiss on them, Jess would get this small, terribly fond smile on her face.  She wasn't a huge fan of ee cummings, but she was a fan of Sam's exhaustion-roughed voice and his gentle way of kissing her knuckles and fingertips.  Every piece of him was someone she wanted to know and treasure. 

She never had anything memorized to say back; Jess was sweet and to the point plain spoken about her feelings most of the time, but. You see, she had this plan. Jess was very proud of her plan because she'd discovered you had to get up pretty early in the morning to surprise Sam Winchester, and generally she liked to hit the snooze button on her alarm at least once. But, this time, it was perfect. There was a lot of time to over prepare or second guess herself, because she only decided on it for sure when Sam left with his brother to help him with their dad.  See, Sam had family, and Jess knew that peripherally but meeting Dean was entirely different than hearing the occasional, vague story about the man.

Jess realized when Sam went off with his family, that in the last few years, he'd become a huge part of her own family. And, she decided that she wanted him to know, to make sure he felt like she was his family too. So, she scoured the internet and she planned out dinner for the night he was supposed to get back, and she refrained from calling or texting too much because he would be home soon, and she loved spoiling surprises almost more than she loved trying to plan them for Sam. He’d become her best friend and she tended to get overly excited and share her plans before remembering they were surprises for him.

But, she was going to make dinner, and her famous cookies, and she’d decided she and Dean hadn’t gotten off on much of a foot at all, so she was going to insist he stay for dinner.  The only time Jess almost cracked on the no texting and no calling was when she realized she didn’t know what Dean would like.  Then she decided everyone liked spaghetti, or at least Sam could eat like an entire pot if she’d let him, so she was going to make that.  Spaghetti with meat balls and a salad so Sam could pretend he was going to be healthy even though they only had cream based dressings in the refrigerator, and giant chocolate chip cookies for dessert.  And after, Dean could crash on the pull out couch if he wanted, but Jess had plans for Sam so Dean would just have to excuse them.

See, Sam liked to curl them up like a set of parentheses in their bed, and take her hands between his, and Jess liked to tangle her ankles around his shins. Then, in the minty non-space between them, Sam liked to murmur about how her eyes spoke like roses and how small her hands seem. If there was anything Jess thought she’d learned in the last few years, it was how to speak Sam like he spoke Jess when they went surfing, or spent the day on the boardwalk. So, Jess had scoured the internet and picked the best everyone loves it meal and found a poem and she might not know it by heart, but she had it printed out and folded up in her jeans’ pocket, and it was by Pablo Neruda and it was supposed to go like this:

“Perhaps not to be is to be without your being, without your going, that cuts noon light like a blue flower, without your passing later through fog and stones, without the torch you lift in your hand that others may not see as golden, that perhaps no one believed blossomed the glowing origin of the rose, without, in the end, your being, your coming suddenly, inspiringly, to know my life, blaze of the rose-tree, wheat of the breeze: and it follows that I am, because you are: it follows from ‘you are,’ that I am, and we: and, because of love, you will, I will, We will, come to be.”

Jess was sure Sam would hear her loud and clear, inside their minty, bed worn, tangled set of parentheses. After all, she’d always spoken her heart pretty plainly.

[yaasutomo-blog]

somedays i feel more homestuck than others

[cthunami]

just wow

you're literally the most beautiful person i've ever seen and wow

[claraozz-blog]

just sitting here eatin' some cereal.... what is my life?

(edit): ps did I mention I'm sitting in the dark? with only the light of my computer to show my shame.

[claraozz-blog]

i have so many smallville feels right now. send help

i

cant

live 

on

this

planet 

right

now