Thinking a lot about the long-term impacts of growing up in Catholicism (y'know, religious trauma). Namely the way I grew up with a vague sense of not only always being watched, but being judged.
Not like, being super self-conscious while in public or at events or whatever--although that was certainly there--but the idea of this constantly judging, vague something. The sense that 24/7 there was someone watching you and finding you wanting.
I was pretty much done with believing in Catholicism by the time I was 12, but lately I've really been feeling the lasting effects of it. The way I feel self-conscious in the dead of night with no one around, with feeling like I'm going to stick out while out in public for being somehow wrong, with days where the only other person I see is my loving partner but I still feel like I have to make myself not only presentable, but attractive, otherwise I'll be an anxious mess.
There's definitely a lot of it tied up and tangled with internalized transphobia and anxiety around societal attitudes towards trans women, but I really can't help feeling the judgy Jesus of it all is still at the core of a lot of my stressors.
I want to be a little more adventurous. Get out and go to a con, check out a queer night at the local goth club, connect with the local fighting game community, maybe start attending the local library's sewing classes, etc. Not because I'm looking for new hobbies or anything, but just because I think it'd really make a world of difference to feel that I'm not going to be judged and rejected in new spaces. That my reception will almost certainly be resounding ambivalence.
Rambling. Tired and anxious. Dani has her big designer pussy consult tomorrow. I expect good news, but. Well. Good news always feels like a surprise.
