I am struggling so hard right now.
Like what even is distance and how do people deal with goodbyes? And how do we know what destiny is?
I leave Oxford, England in a month and I can’t fathom never seeing any of these people ever again (which is exactly the case, undoubtedly and unfortunately).
There have been multiple people I have met/hung out with here and during my travels that I feel like I have a definite connection with.
Like not just, we’re friends or connected because of shared experience, but because there is something, something intangible, that connects you both and makes it easy for you to be around them.
I can’t shake this feeling of, when I leave Oxford on May 25th, I’ll be leaving behind my best future and my actual destiny.
There’s this guy that I met. And I barely know him. He’s more of an acquaintance, really. But every interaction I’m lucky enough to have with him, is just like something out of a movie. I mean, he is everything I ever wanted in someone, intellectually and emotionally (it seems). We study the same thing, he is well-spoken, we vibe so well (lolz), we laugh at the same moments in class, he is kind, he is handsome, he says exactly what I am thinking (just more eloquently), he is the same nationality as my grandpa was, and all of these things just make me think that he could be the man I’m supposed to marry. Or be with. Or even just get to know better.
Today he told me he googled “Missouri” my state, and that he had read-up on my University back home. LIKE, what the hell. I just want to tell him, “hey, I have a month left here, can we enjoy what’s left of my time here together, and possibly get married in the next few years? Or will you at least tell me your innermost secrets?”
Is that too much, too soon?
No, but being real here.... I feel like this happens to me a lot. Like Hozier says, “I fall in love just a... little bit everyday with someone new...”
I feel like one day I’ll look out on my heart map and pieces will be floating around all over the world. One with the guy I met on the plane to Barcelona, one with the guy from that one Cardinals game, one with the guy I danced with in Oxford that told me “he didn’t want another girl”, and one with the guy from my cinema class... who made me feel important and interesting for once in my life.
I’m scared of how easily I fall for people and how easy it would be for me to love someone wholeheartedly.
Maybe that is why I am so protective over my heart. Or why God has been. I know it would be easy for me to love someone, but I also know that I have never actually been “in love”.
Love should be simple and un-complicated. Love should be reciprocated. Love should make you write songs about the sun, not make you use only minor chords for a year and forget to shave your legs. Love should inspire you to love yourself and never make you feel guilty for your feelings. Love should be celebrated and held in the highest regard. One day I hope to fall in love for real. And (to tie this post together because it’s getting very lengthy and sappy) I hope that I’m not missing my chance here.
Thanks for reading and I sincerely apologize for the dramatic and starry-eyed post. I have been writing a screenplay for a class for the past two hours and my hand is heavy with melodrama.
