March 10, 2009
I must have some weird strain of dyslexia. Whenever I see a link named "Next Page", I think it says "Stop Reading and Close This Tab". @gruber (John Gruber) – 93
Energy drinks can neither be created nor destroyed; they can only be converted into diabetic teenagers in giant, rappy pants. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 70
The locksmith said to put the spare key somewhere it won't be disturbed & no one will look for it. Obviously, that means my vagina. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 67
"Guess what." "Chicken butt." "I can't believe you went to law school." "I can't believe I let you finger me at the holiday party." @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 64
I've got it set up so when Mom sends an email that says "this internet quiz thinks you're a homo too" my meth dealer gets a text message. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 57
At first I felt bad for sneezing on the muffins in the office kitchen, but then I remembered Lysol™ kills flu germs on contact. @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 55
Being unemployed, my days lately have revolved around two central questions: "What direction can I take my career" and "Who's a kitty?" @EffingBoring (I. Ron Butterfly) – 52
I anthropomorphize household objects so I can emotionally scar them. This is why I can't have well-adjusted things. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 51
I don't think that much Mountain Dew was bad for me. Sure I blacked out, but I woke up with my essay done. In all caps, but whatever. @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 50
If newspaper execs ran the porn industry they'd still be trying to sell porn flicks with plots. In theaters. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 49
I challenge you to find anything funnier than a cat jumping on a table with a tablecloth on it. jumpOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKandgone @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 44
There's cautious optimism on Wall Street. Now stock brokers are only jumping out of first floor windows. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 43
Clever friends know the best way to get in touch with me is to wait till I need something from them. Everyone else keeps leaving voicemails. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 42
Dear Businesses of the World: Customer service begins with two-ply toilet paper. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 41
I am not a slut. This is why I can't have nice flings. @sniffyjenkins (Justine Kilkerr) – 41
I hate when the cows look at me like that through my window. Looking. Comparing. Wondering if some crusty old dude yanks on mine, too. @ungraceful (Confounded brunette) – 40
misterrogers (v) - to compulsively change one's attire upon returning home from a day's activities. @jimray (Jim Ray) – 40
Facebook status messages: For the boring messages you Twittered before you discovered comedy. @nick (Nick Douglas) – 36
I wish I had kids to tweet about. Or cats. Or a little lizard. Whom I would name Eddie Lizzard. He'd wear a tutu but would fancy the ladies. @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 35
Rather than 'procrastinator,' I like to call myself a 'time assassin.' @sweatsinthecity (sweatsinthecity) – 34