it’s been a little over two years since i started to question my sexuality?? i can remember that i was extremely confused, but i honestly can’t recall that exact feeling. like, i am just so secure now?? it’s unbelievable?? like i remember somewhat dismissing the idea due to the fact that for my entire sixteen years of life, i identified as straight without question. like i’ve had crushes on boys, but i’ve never once liked a girl in that sense? and i never really thought about it either? and i had heard that most people who identify as lgbt feel that something about them is off, especially when they’re young, but i never experienced that at all, which is another factor in why i didn’t think that i was gay. like figuring it all out was honestly such a confusing process?? i don’t know how i did it? and as far as i knew, the friends i hung out with all identified as straight, so i felt like they weren’t ones to ask? and my family definitely wasn’t an option since they all identify as straight too??? like i know that tumblr sometimes gets shit but i honestly have this site to thank for helping me figure all this out because there’s just sO much lgbt exposure on here, especIALLY compared to what there was at school???
and being gay has also been quite an experience. i’m quite confident when i say that the crushes i’ve had on girls have been a lot stronger and real?? than the ones i’ve had on boys. like i never really got close to boys (with the exception of a small handful) throughout my life. the ones i had crushes on weren’t people i got to be friends with (except the first one). like they were classmates who i thought were extremely cute, and then after that, i just admired their personality traits, and that was it. i never bonded with them, i never got to learn the little things about them, and i never learned to love being around them. i would just literally admire them from afar without getting to know who they were. they were honestly just ideas???? like even if some things i knew about them were true??? idk??
but like. every single girl crush (maYBE with the exception of one) i’ve had has been, strong? if that’s the right word? and they’ve all been on close friends, very close friends actually, which is interesting?? if you compare it to how my crushes on boys have been almost strangers. like my first crush on a girl was on a classmate who i saw every day and we would talk every day in class and conversations were always so fun and she was also cute but like i feel like i focused more on personality? but the interesting thing about this particular crush was that i didn’t start liking her until the next school year?? where i no longer saw her? and that’s where i started to question my sexuality?? that was a wild ride
and my second crush was an honest to god shock? i ended up somehow developing a crush on a friend who is in my close circle of friends and it’s very interesting because we’ve been friends for eight years, so why now? what triggered it????? and it’s not that there’s anything wrong with her, but it was just so shocking?? and i think at this time it was a year after i started questioning so i think i was still confused, but this crush was the one that helped me figure it out for sure (or played a huge part in it anyway). and like, this crush was just such an interesting experience. like i felt the butterfly shit that you typically feel when you see your crush. and like, never have i ever cared to be in a relationship with a crush. and by that i mean like, i’ve never had a crush where i looked at them and wanted a relationship. i’ve never had a crush where not being able to enter a relationship with them hurt me or mad me sad. but when i realized that we couldn’t be in a relationship together, it actually hurt and i was just like what???? and i just remember being so happy with her and when we’d hang out as a group we’d all have our own side conversations and i just remember sitting and listening to what she had to say and i never wanted her to stop
and my most recent crush was someone who i cherish dearly. we met five? years ago but we didn’t get close until three? years ago and like. it’s shocking to me that we’re still friends. and like we had a class together that year and i am just so thankful?? and like we get along really well and i love spending time with her. she’s just so fun to talk to and like. i cherish the time we spend together and i feel like i would drop everything for her. i don’t know when i started to like her, but i remember it was the most confusing thing???? i think?? but i think out of all my crushes, i liked her the most?? like i remember smiling so widely whenever i talked to her and i was just always excited and happy and !!!!! whenever i talked to her and like i never wanted to leave when i was with her. and i was honestly so surprised when i figured out that i liked her???? like i no longer have a crush on her but like. i can definitely say that it was extremely different than any crush i’ve had on a boy???? like i feel like with girl crushes i was actually friends with them and like i got to really know them and spend time with them and love them????????
