Haven't made an update in quite a while because I work so consistently now that I don't have time to think about social media. I've lost a lot of my sparkle in that way, but I am working on growing a pair in life, so: I suffer.
Regardless of my work situation (abysmal, I am working a 9 hour shift with the receiver who is still leaving me ransom notes in the public work binder, and then I work ALONE which is somehow better than having help) I have been kept so happy by my little man!! I only know my man because we work in the same type of retail at different stores (his coworkers love him, he is treated fairly and well) so really, I gotta thank this god awful job for all my joy, as well as my suffering.
There is now someone on this earth who wants to hang out with me all day, everyday, no matter what!! Last Wednesday, after work, we went to his side-job where he time keeps children's hockey. AND I HAD A BLAST!! He showed me what every button did, and explained all the penalties, and I got to ask him a million questions about everything and he just LOVES answering questions!!! And then we went to supper together and he always pays for the suppers and I always pay for the breakfasts and then we drove around and I was home by a reasonable time for a change.
To do with that, when I go to his house now, I just stay until like midnight, which is insane for me, because I used to struggle being out of my house past 10pm. Last night? BRO I got home at around TWO IN THE MORNING!!
Yesterday, we watched two of the How To Train Your Dragon movies while doing a puzzle of a lake in Alberta, and we ate popcorn and then we snuggled, and then I think it was supper time again and we ate mini pizzas and I got a frozen lemonade that was actually supposed to be a tangerine regular juice, but the food place messed up, but it was still good!! And then my best friend (the one who was dating Connor, if you can recall) texted me saying, "EMERGENCY CALL. PLEASE BE ON STANDBY IN AN HOUR." and we both take care of her during her time of need, so we waited. Turns out, she was meeting with Connor and having a chat with him.
Anyway, we were like, my man and I, "we need to bump lay down and cuddle while we scroll on reels and ramble with each other to be earlier."
MY BEST FRIEND HAD A THREE HOUR CONVERSATION WITH CONNOR AND NEVER CALLED US!!! We had lay down and cuddle time from like 8:30pm until 1:30am. We did litchrally nothing last night. It was the safest and coziest I have ever felt in my life and we had such good conversations about ourselves and how we are going to work together as individuals and just like man idk...I felt so safe getting to ask questions about what its like to be a guy and all the weird little things you don't think about googling but want to know and I didn't feel like he was weird about any of it. He was just so safe. Like, I opened up about things I've never really comfortably talked about to people before, and I'm thinking back on it today and I don't feel any sense of regret about anything.
We even said I love you for the first time and he said it first and he said that he had been wanting to say it for a while because I just make him feel so loved and he likes who I am and how we are together, and even though maybe it is stupid to say such a thing back so early on in a relationship of any sort, I did say it back and he always lets me explain myself and I explained myself and the layers of it all, and he actually teared up again for the second time in the short while I've known him and BRO I just want to be the safest place on earth for him and I want him to feel like everything bad in the world disappears when we are together because I feel like he makes all the bad get really clouded up when we're together and no one has ever been able to do that as well as him.
And then he snoozed and we put everything away and just laid there and I felt more relaxed than I have in ages and I really truly felt cared for and while he was snoozing, I just kept my eyes opened and I feel like I almost cried because I've just got a lot of issues with believing I deserve good things, and to have something so good felt very strange.
When I finally had to get up to go because I was started to get over tired (the kind of tired where you can't fall asleep) and he asked me if there was something I was waiting for before we kissed. And I was like, "idk kind of not really, I feel like I need to feel a moment where I am fully prepared and ready but i don't think I will get that actually" and I told him that I needed him to be the one to kiss me first and BRO it was not great, because we both have never kissed anyone and we also are both the type of people to not watch many movies or shows with romance so like...it was very genuine. It was very strange. It wasn't a big kiss or anything, and it was kind of fast, but I felt like to make it less strange we should just kiss a bunch and it was okay. I have a lot of issues with germs as well so it was a very mentally disturbing thing for me to do, but it was kind of nice. I think I hold myself back from feeling the true depth of my feelings, for safety I suppose, so I think I just need to give myself time to experience this again.
This is such a strange but nice experience for me. I swear to god his hair got curlier and his whole essence seemed healthier when our night ended. What can I say except you're welcome.
