#jf;

[modernjakeball-blog]

Jess texted me to let me know how weird it was to listen to the new songs. The past three months, I’ve been desperate to get her out of my head - a few months can’t erase a few years of memories though. I guess that’s why I needed to get these four specific songs out ahead of the full length. I figured that if I put them out into the world… maybe that’ll help me begin to carve out my world, my new one where Jessica’s face doesn’t fit.

Happy Birthday, Motorcycle.jpg!

[r-unningthroughmyhead-blog]

It's hard to talk to you, cause all I remember is the night you left. I woke up and rolled over to kiss you... you weren't there. you weren't there and it crushed my heart. It hurts to talk to you.

[builtthisbrig-blog]

I’m a paradox of a person. From “the woman i had in front of me, who i was lucky enough to experience from head to toe and connect with... i’m thankful it helped me find you again in this new way”  to “ I hate you and more importantly I hate that I don’t actually hate you...no matter what I do I can’t get rid of you and I hate that.”

It’s like the world knows that whenever I manage to get myself up that I need to be knocked back down. Josh’s message was beautiful, sweet, and words I really needed after such a shitty week. And then there’s Trevor’s message. Filled with truth and all the things I actually am, which is a horrible person. I can only apologize so much. But I miss him. A sick part of me hopes he never gets over me because I know that whatever feelings I had towards him are still very much there. And I hate that. I hate that because I settled. I did what I never do and I followed the crowd because I was lonely and I wanted to be wanted for once. But now? Now I just constantly feel like the smallest person on the planet. I’ve never been lonelier. 

Josh’s Letter: 

hey, bunny. so it’s almost my birthday. going to be 25… ew. haha. can’t help but to have a lot on my mind as this comes to be. about how thankful i actually am to still be standing on this earth. outside of the lads and my family, i have a very small selected few that mean so much to me, and i wanted to take the time to thank them. and yes, that includes you! so… dear brig, i love you. “omg josh wut” shhhh, let me explain. maybe if i hadn’t been so broken, so fucked up in the head and emotionally wrecked at the time when our paths first entangled, if i actually took a chance to slap myself in the face and look at the woman i had in front of me, who i was lucky enough to experience from head to toe and connect with. i think–no, i know that i could have been in love with you. fuck, i think i was in love with you but there was no way i could let myself feel that. i thought i didn’t deserve it at the time. i thought i was just a slab that was meant to give other people pleasure, my own being just some side effect of it. something i actually didn’t deserve. but i let myself go to you, and in the end it released so much tension and made me realize that… fuck it, i did deserve the pleasure. it was too late that i realized what was special about what you were giving me, too. and then we stopped talking to each other and almost lost connection completely. if i could kiss the internet in the face, i would, cause i’m thankful it helped me find you again in this new way. reawakening what i felt when i met you and transforming it into something unique. a unique love that i only have for you. a ‘brig-love’ so to say. one that’s par with a deep friendship, but something far deeper than that at the same time. truly special, like you. you’re special. you’re so fuckin’ special, don’t even dare to deny it. you’re humor is great, you can make anyone smile, you can make guys and probably girls to swoon at just a glance and a sway of your hips, and this is all just by being yourself. you listen. you actually listen, not that fake listen where people just nod their head. you take words in–you took the things and the rants and the feelings i had to say and you processed them and sincerely tried to make me feel better, helped me become the better person i am at this very moment. i’d be flatlined without you. i’d be dull, dusty, one dimensioned. i’m so grateful to call you my friend. someone who i can have adventures with, say shameless jokes to and have them be embraced. gossip with. and even confess about dark corners of my head. and know i’m here for you, too. even if it takes another lifetime for you to open up to me. i’m always here. i’ll listen to you, too, truly listen. i’ll take the time to process, find the words to help you and make you feel better. and if you succumb to that addiction again, i’ll hold your hand and take you back on the path. i won’t scold you. i could never judge you. i know shit’s hard. and you’re already doing so much for yourself, i am so, so proud of you. so i love you, in that special 'bunny’ way. god, our sitcom is going to be sick. love, -joshua

Trevor’s Letter:

I hate you and more importantly I hate that I don’t actually hate you. Why do you do this? How was any of it fair? You realize I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since we met right? that I keep telling myself whatever it’s fine it’s alright, no it’s not alright. it’s not alright because you settled you settled for what I’m sure you’re not even happy with, if you were happy to begin with you wouldn’t have even started to like me. And I did like you, I probably still do. I do. I do still. I can sleep around all I want and still, somehow, you are right there at the back of my mind and no matter what I do I can’t get rid of you and I hate that. I considered seeing how things went, trying something, but I’m sure you didn’t know that. Do you actually know what you want? I feel like you don’t, out of anything. That or it was a lie, maybe. I don’t know what I’m saying anymore I guess I just wanted to get that out.. I’m still kind of stuck on you, but I won’t always be, I don’t want to be anymore. Maybe this is the closure that’ll help that, supposedly closure helps people right?

[builtthisbrig-blog]

"have you ever loved something so much you felt like your heart would just explode in your chest?" I have, and I loved him with everything I had, my body, my heart, my soul, my mind - everything was his. He consumed my thoughts constantly and being away from him always felt like I was away from home. But things happened and my heart did explode in my chest. Love is a scary emotion. I can't help but push people away when I feel them getting too close. But I can't help but wonder what it would be like to love someone so deeply again. I keep finding myself wanting what others have, which is ridiculous because everyone is different. But I look at the posts between John and Lorelai and can't help but wonder what it would be like to feel that way about somone....or if someone could ever feel that way about me. Or even you and Alex, how deeply you care for one another that you share everything, you cry together, laugh together, love together, you go through life. Even Josh and Val who support each other and trust and love each other enough to spend the rest of their lives together. I want that but it just doesn't seem within my reach.

[builtthisbrig-blog]

when did i get so soft? i should have never told anyone about this. i should never have let them get close enough to where it would hurt when i would let them go. i’m sorry zoe. i’m sorry josh. it’s better this way. you’ll see. you’ll see how much easier it’ll be when you have one less person to worry about. i can’t believe it hurts this much. it’s like i’m ripping pieces out of my heart. fuck you, vegas. 

[builtthisbrig-blog]

"time to babble. We’ve known each other for a few years now, albeit a bit on and off but now we’re closer than we’ve ever been and fuck, am I so grateful. To be honest, I owe you my life. You seem to know just the right things to say to really pick me back onto my feet. Sure, we have a history. I still have a few physical scars from your nails (and out of context I guess that sounds pretty bad) but I don’t think we would be this close without all that. We were both in pretty bad places at the time, and I think without you I would have just gotten worse back then. I hoped I helped you out, too, even slightly. You’re a small package but inside you are as bright as the sun, maybe even brighter. You make me laugh, you’re incredibly beautiful, and any man would be lucky to have you by their side and be able to call themselves your man.  I don’t think I can ever say thank you enough. You help me keep myself in check, even when you’re going through so much yourself. It blows my mind that you can set things aside just to listen to me panic about some irrelevant shit. You don’t judge me for my rather stupid insecurities. And I hope you know I’ll never judge you for anything you feel bad about. I have faith in you no matter the bumps in the road. You can sincerely tell me anything, and it won’t change how I view your soul. You’re still you, even if sometimes things can get bad, okay? I’m here for you, it’s the least I can do to start repaying you."

[builtthisbrig-blog]

they try to make me go to rehab and i say, yeah okay i think i will. i cant believe im doing this. i honestly owe zoe my life, she and josh are my foundation right now. i couldnt be more grateful to have them both in my life.