my holy ghost is hovering over me... @modernjakeball-blog - Tumblr Blog

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As much as Astrid says she wishes I hadn't bailed on her to deal with my most recent health scare, I don't see how I couldn't have. I'm afraid of the animal that I know is there lying dormant, just waiting until it feels the first signs of being trapped and caged. Not in a sense of me being afraid of commitment, just... of needing other people.

But I'm just as afraid of people not needing me, because then what do I have to keep me going? Myself?

I can't even put into words how incredible it feels to have Astrid here. The last time she was in Philly, we were still going on pretending we were just friends. Now here we are, five years later... kissing, sharing I love you's, and cuddling to our hearts content. I'm gonna ask to make things official officially before she leaves... no chickening out. Even though we've talked about it, and it's essentially already a thing... I want to do it right, and with words that leave us both knowing without a doubt that we're in a relationship. I never thought we'd get to this point, but now that we are... it honestly still feels surreal. I don't know that it ever won't, really. She's my dream come true, my heaven on earth - everything I ever wanted, and exactly what I didn't know I needed. I love her so deeply, and I know everyone thinks this when they're in love, but I genuinely know that I won't ever not love her. I'm ready to see what kind of shenanigans we can get into.

As big of scum as I think the people who run that gossip blog are, I have to tip my hat off to them. After reading that ask that was cryptic to everyone but myself... I finally told Astrid the full extent of my migraines, and about the parts of my life that they inhibit. While her reaction was similar to people that I've told in the past... I actually believed her. I felt that she would be willing to work with it if we get to that point with things between us.

I also told her what started them... about my "accident". Except she knows that it wasn't an accidental thing. She expressed going through something similar, and while I hate beyond hate that she knows what it's like... I can't help but to feel grateful that if we both have to struggle with those types of thoughts and idealization, at least we have each other. I think we both understand that you can't love someone's mental illness away, but we're comfortable with each other to be able to say... 'hey, this is what I'm feeling, and I just need to know that I'm not alone right now.'

Speaking of love though, we kinda sorta told each other that we do. I mean... I told her, in German, that I was going to love her someday. Because that's what I'd practiced, that's what I was going to say to her years ago. But then I told her that I probably already did, and that it was just going to take me another 6 years to be able to say it. Of course, I played it off as a joke, just in case... but she said it was the same for her. I don't know what made the butterflies in my gut go crazier... that moment or when we finally, f i n a l l y kissed. She's it for me. She's always been it.

Aside from holing away in Astrid's apartment, I've been trying to make friends. Cass and I are still talking a lot. I'm trying to help her as best as I can with the Josh stuff, but he really did a number on her. I hate it honestly... because I've been there, and I know how much it sucks to know that someone thinks you're good enough to fuck and flirt with, but not to be with. And yeah... I get that he's not ready to be in a relationship and that she knew that, but like... how hard is it to find someone that wants the same things as you? Instead of fucking around with two women he knew wanted more than he could give them?

I just wish Cass had her own Astrid... she fucking deserves someone that looks at her the way Astrid looks at me.

#update 🤙

I told Cass that leaving the festival was bittersweet. When she asked why, I just told her it was because I finally told Astrid how I feel… how I’ve felt for six years the day before we all left. What I failed to mention was what I assumed was coke in that safe. I have the combination memorized; 12-34-50. It was like a mantra or an intrusive thought, one that I went over for hours as I tried to find sleep. Knowing that that’s the easiest and quickest route I’ll ever have to cocaine again, and denying myself was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Part of me regrets it, because it’d have been somewhat understandable if I’d relapsed then. If I were to throw away my three and a half years of being clean now, I’d have to jump through hoops just to figure out how to score. I never made the conscious decision to kick it, and in a lot of ways… I don’t think I was ready to. I guess no addict is, but… I don’t know. Just feels like I was especially not.

I’ve been trying not to think about it, been talking a lot to Cass still, and Luke. Luke and I briefly talked about our religious upbringings, and I vented to him a bit about living in my sister’s shadow. He was real cool about it, and very encouraging and echoing and validating my feelings rather than just dismissing them or telling me I didn’t need my parents’ approval. I got back in touch with Astrid’s cousin, Lex, too. I’m so proud of how far she’s come; seeing her thrive in her career and personal life is just so fucking nice to see.

Somehow ended up opening up to Dan about my hang ups around sex and relationships. It was weird how easy it was to talk about that shit with him. It’d be nice if it was just as easy to talk to Astrid about it, but… just broaching the topic of sex, especially to be like… “hey so I get these severe migraines that make me puke pretty much always after sex unless I’m not the one doing most of the work” a) feels like I’m being presumptuous, and b) scares me that it’ll be the same story with every other romantic interest that I’ve told; “It’s fine, we can work past it” turns to “I don’t like knowing that you’re going to be in pain, and it just kills the mood and makes me feel bad” after we’ve gotten intimate.

It’s not all like that though. Everyday, we have at least three conversations going on simultaneously. It just flows… we could talk about nothing for hours, and be happy as clams. That’s how it’s always been though. I guess I was just worried that talking about our feelings for one another would make things weird, but it hasn’t at all. And we’ve talked about it multiple other times- not like directly, but little things here and there come up just naturally. It’s nice. I guess this is what ‘talking’ to your best friend is like. And as nervous as she makes me, she also makes me feel just as comfortable. It’s healthy nerves I think. I’m going to be staying with her for a bit, and while I’m sure that I’ll be overanalyzing every little thing, especially at first… I’m just ready to see where things go. It’s been a long time coming.

#*dude... nice!

Things have been pretty fucking cool. I’m trying to get acquainted with everyone. I’ll admit though that I haven’t spent a lot of time reaching out to new people as I’ve been a bit distracted by reconnecting with Astrid. I feel like everyone has that one that got away, and she’ll always be that person for me. She was my best friend and my biggest crush until she moved out to Cali. If I allowed myself, I’d probably admit that it was always more than a crush for me, but we all know I’m not going to allow myself to do that.

I asked her to the ball thing, under the guise that it was because I didn’t know anyone. But like… I’ve toured with Derek and Joe before… I could have tagged along with either of them if I really wanted to. But Astrid always makes me feel comfortable, even when I’m nervous as shit to be in her presence. I got her this dumb plastic tiara from the gift shop… it made her laugh though which was a win. I also got to help her put it on which was a double win.

Between me helping her with her tiara and her using makeup to put a crude looking mask around my eyes (ala Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge as she put it), I probably thought about kissing her at least twelve times. She held my hand too. Thought I was going to hit the deck. It was the best night I’ve had in a long time… I really missed spending time with her.

Of course, when I woke up… shit got bad real fast. The message that I woke up to, I must’ve read it a hundred times. I just spent the whole day staring at that safe. Like if I looked away from it, it would come for me. I asked housekeeping for an extra blanket to cover it up, but I still know it’s there. Tomorrow, I’ve got my set… I told Cassadee I’d catch hers after. She asked to grab food once she’s all wrapped up so that’ll keep me out of the room for most of the day.

Maybe I’ll see if Astrid wants to get breakfast or something. Maybe I can just pack my days full so I can avoid the room until I’m ready to sleep. Just as long as I don’t get a migraine that completely knocks me on my ass… I think it’s doable.

#update 🤙

Ignore everything below this post please! 👈👈🤠

The entire tour had been a whirlwind for Jake, and even though he was grateful that it was coming to an end early for him... there was a lot of people he would miss during his almost month long break. His chest tightened as he thought about all of the people that had come to rely on his presence as he took a seat in the camping chair he'd come to loathe. The way it creaked under his weight was a physical representation to how he felt under the pressure of holding everyone together. "So... this is the last y'all will be hearing from me in a while. I'm hoping off this tour tomorrow in order to go back home to Philly for rehearsals." Jake sighed heavily, nervous as ever at the thought of sharing the stage again with his Mobo brothers. "It's been a while since we've played together, Modern Baseball... but lots of people are excited for our three day takeover of Union Station in Philly. Ashley's coming out... she's gonna meet my parents for the first time. Josie of course will be there too. Lynn mentioned coming out, but that's still up in the air. Of course all my friends from home are coming to at least one of the shows. It's surreal really; I've been getting into the groove of playing Slobodo songs live, and now I'm going back." He pushed his hand through his already disheveled hair, messing it up further. "Truth be told - I'm afraid of some of those songs... the emotions behind them. Especially the songs off of Holy Ghost. Which of course is the album we'll be playing front to back when most of my friends, family, and girlfriend are gonna be there. So long as Winnie isn't there... I think I'll be good. I haven't talked to her about it though. We have been talking, it's been nice. It's nice to be able to call her a friend again, Amber too I guess. I don't know... things are a bit trickier with her." He shook his head, realizing that he was far more candid than in previous confessionals. "I'm bummed to be leaving everyone early, but it's for good reason... and I'll be back for the European tour. Let's just hope I don't miss anything cool until then!" For the last time this tour, Jake gave his salute... more exaggerated than usual. With that, he took his leave to pack up for his trip to New Jersey with Ashley to meet her folks.

I caved, and talked to Otto. I felt like I had to. I had a panic attack, and I didn't know who else to turn to. Everyone needs me, I can't be needy too. I'm scared to talk about stuff with Ashley, because of how she reacted, or more accurately... didn't react, the last time I told her when I was having a hard time.

Josie needed me, but I couldn't bring her food without collapsing on the ground. Brandon needed me, but now I'm just jealous. Miles needed me, but the thought of being around someone that can see right through me like he can terrifies me. I can't be anything anyone needs, and I can't let myself need anybody. Except for Otto... who I'm supposed to hate.

#anxiety mention #food mention

It had been a while since Jake had actually complied, and reported to the producers' tent in order to record a confessional. It was a bit of a protest, but mostly just how drained he'd been feeling the past couple of weeks. Somedays, he was barely capable of accomplishing the bare minimum - perform, eat, breath, sporadically talk with his friends and girlfriend. With how much the tour was taking a toll on him, both emotionally and physically... he just didn't have it in him to be the social butterfly that he'd been branded as. His body ached and creaked, much like the tired camping chair that he'd found himself sitting in. Clicking the camera on, Jake pushed his hand through his hair as he gave off a faint smile. "Hey fam... I feel like I don't have much to say these days - the show does a good job of painting a picture of how my days go." A nervous chuckle rolled from between his lips as he shrugged his shoulder. "If I'm being honest... I'm over this. Living out of a van for almost two months now is definitely wearing on me. Good friends and pot are helping me get through though." He feigned a slightly bigger smile this time. "I'm just laying low after the shit with 'He Who Must Not Be Named', and taking it one day at a time. Some days that's all you can do... one day, one hour, one minute." He nodded curtly before giving his signature salute, and exited the tent.

#fh; confessional.

I told Ashley that I'm falling in love with her... she said it was the same for her. I'm scared honestly. I've been so lethargic lately, I just hope she understands. We have big plans for her birthday weekend, plans that have cost me quite a bit of money that I probably shouldn't have spent. Louis asked about a surprise party for Ashley... I told him I didn't really have the money to throw something like that on top of tickets to Disneyworld and Universal, and the secret plans I already have for her birthday. I feel like I'm in over my head. Everyone here is used to dropping massive amounts of money. I hope that Ashley keeps finding my weird date ideas endearing, because I can't always give her champagne and fancy dinners. Or ever really.

I think I've been sleeping so much to avoid thinking about Otto. Whenever I was upset about something... I'd go and hang out with him. We'd just lay around, and exist; he understood that sometimes all I could do was breath. But I can't do that anymore. I miss my friend. I wish he hadn't fucked everything up.

It's hard to be friends with the parents here. In my mind, I'm just thinking like... you got to bring your child into this world, and yet you willingly leave them for massive amounts of time. I don't really feel bad that they miss them, I can't sympathize. I'd give anything to have Rosie here, and you can be sure as hell that I'd have given up my dream of being a musician. My biggest dream was to be her dad. I'd give up everything to have Rosie here.