May 26, 2025
i need to get my uterus removed. anyone wanna get they uterus removed at claires with me? :3
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i need to get my uterus removed. anyone wanna get they uterus removed at claires with me? :3
today has very much been an "i don't want to exist" day. i can't wait to just go to sleep for the night and then wake up and do it all again tomorrow. i want to pack more and clean up, but my body hurts and i am lacking energy. i'm trying so hard not to punch down on myself, but fuck is it so hard. sometimes, i get too scared to even leave my room in fear that just my existence will upset someone. i almost had a breakdown cooking myself something small for dinner bc i didn't want to take up space or deal with other people's emotional lash-outs. despite how many times we've had conversations, they still don't see that they did something wrong. i just have to make it til August, i just have to find a way to get through these next few months, and then I can move out.
the oral fixation is strong tn,,, drooling drooling sm,,, thinkin abt biting n sucking,,, I'm gna lose it ૮ >ﻌ< ა
April 13th, 2026
when people say how much they don't like looking into the mirror because of how much they hate themselves, it always leaves me confused. how can you know if you truly hate yourself without actually looking at yourself? how can you make yourself sick if you don't even know what the other side of the glass looks like? I look in the mirror because I hate myself, I look to find every flaw, every bump, red spot, or hair. pick, pick, pick, until my skin feels nice, smooth, and flat. i don't do this to be beautiful, or handsome, or even ugly. I crave a sense of normality, a pattern, pick, pick, pick. i hate who i see in the mirror, but i am learning to recognize them.
I miss living in Olympia so much, I miss my friends, I miss my old job (even tho the manager and pay sucked), i miss being insured/medicated, i miss my independence.
I hate Tacoma, I genuinely feel like I have nothing outside of my partner here. I have a hard time making friends and it's harder for me to get from place to place. I tried making friends here, but i just feel used after every talk or hang out, and I keep giving these people chances! I hate my job, I hate how it makes me feel, my coworkers don't say it or refute it, but I'm never doing enough there. I feel like im constantly 3 steps behind and when i finally catch up, the steps change! I feel like I'm having a breakdown every 2 days over something new and I'm so tired of crying until im gasping for air. I feel so trapped, why do I hate the life that I'm so desperately trying to build? I fought so hard for my own existence for so long, and I hate it.
it's me and zoning out with my headphones turned all the way up against the world
sleepins got me clenching my jaw so hard that my teeth fall out one by one in my dreams
day 5 out of 10 in a row, paycheck better be good bc I am tired...