❀ In those moments of uncertainty, when you don't even know if all your efforts aren't just a waste, Haechan decides to stick with it. Even if everyone has seemed to lose hope and he may be starting to lose hope as well...
He aimlessly traced patterns on her palm all the way to the centre of her hand trying to drown out the conversation outside the room. He really did not want to eavesdrop, but it wasn’t like he had the choice. The shouts were drilling into his ears like an unwelcome guest forcing their way in.
“As her grandmother I feel like I have the right to have her near before I won’t be able to see her at all!”
“Oh! Now you want to step up and be a grandmother? After shunning me for marrying a foreigner! You wanted nothing to do with me or my family and now we want nothing to do with you!”
“How do you know she doesn’t want me in her life? The whole reason she is in this hospital is because you made her feel unwanted!”
Haechan closed his eyes as if that would help him block the discussion. When that didn’t seem to work he let his gaze fall on Jiho. She looked like she was sleeping peacefully. Too peaceful to Haechan’s liking, but he couldn’t do anything about it.
“Eomma, I know I messed up as Jiho’s mother, but– I want her to be with her family in France. If… if she doesn’t wake up, I want her to be with the people she loves.” Jiho’s mother pleaded with her own mother.
“And what about her members?”
“Do not act like you care about them! This is only about you. You want to seem like a great grandmother, but you couldn’t even be a good mother.”
Jiho’s grandmother scoffed, almost amused at her daughter’s words. “Seems like we have a thing in common after all-”
“Just leave! Jiho’s coming to France with me and her dad and that’s that!”
Although it sounded like that’s where the conversation would end, the mother and daughter pair continued to shout at each other. Haechan could hear the nurses come by multiple times and try to get them to quiet down, but the two were in their own world and didn’t pay any mind to anyone else. Luckily Jiho’s room was in a more private sector of the hospital and despite the noise, Jiho’s mother and grandmother weren’t causing too big of a disturbance.
Resting his head on Jiho’s shoulder, Haechan continued to absentmindedly trace patterns on Jiho’s palm. He made sure not to put too much weight on Jiho’s shoulder or hand, but enough to let her unconscious body know he was there.
“I’m sorry you have to hear them fighting…” He mumbled tiredly. With a quick glance up, he saw the clock nearing the end of the visiting hour. “I wish they could stop as well.”
As if in response to his words, Jiho’s hand softly twitched. Her fingers tensed slightly, making the motion as if closing her hand into a fist before they relaxed again and returned to their normal state.
This movement would have Haechan jumping up, his heart rate would quicken, he’d be speechless before yelling for a nurse or doctor causing a whole commotion in this part of the hospital. If it was the first time he definitely would’ve done those things. He would’ve because he did. A bit over a week ago, that same exact thing happened. Those same exact movements happened and then he did those same exact things. Now, almost two weeks passed and Haechan knew he shouldn’t be excited to see her hand move. Sure, it gave him some hope, but after the fifth time, Haechan knew this wasn’t a sign of her waking up. It just was a sign she was still alive and at least not getting worse. She wasn’t getting much better either.
A hand suddenly appeared on Haechan’s shoulder and his gaze shot up to meet the green eyes that resembled Jiho’s so well. Jiho’s father — adoptive, not biological — looked at him with a soft yet sad smile. He eyed the clock and Haechan gave him an understanding nod.
The idol gathered his things and walked towards the door before stopping at the sound of Jiho’s father’s voice. “Thanks for continuing to come as often as you can…”
Haechan’s English wasn’t perfect but he understood enough to get the gist of his words. These past few weeks Jiho’s father often said a few words whenever seeing Haechan at Jiho’s side. Even when Haechan didn’t fully understand, he always felt the gratitude the father held for Haechan’s actions.
“I know the others are slowly losing hope… I can imagine it must be just as hard for you to stay hopeful as it is for me and my wife, but we thank you for visiting still. Whatever happens to Jiho… she will know you were there for her. She might not be able to say it, but I know she knows.”
A few heavy moments passed after he said that before Haechan responded with a quiet nod. That was enough for the father as he turned away, trying not to show the emotion in his eyes. He turned to his daughter, sitting next to her and fixing the stuffed animal Haechan had gifted her to sit snugly under her arm. Haechan couldn’t make out what he started whispering to Jiho — it was probably in French anyway — so he decided to make his way out of the hospital room.
It was almost funny how now that Haechan was in the hallway where the two women were still bickering and yelling at each other, Haechan couldn’t hear a single word. They were so loud when he was in another room, but now that he was in the same space, it was absolutely quiet. He bowed at them without much thought and intention behind it before leaving. The two women barely noticed Haechan go as they continued to yell loudly at each other. Still Haechan didn’t hear. He wished Jiho didn’t have to hear it either.
genre: angst, parent!au
pairing: Haechan x oc, Haechan x female!oc, idol!Haechan, ex-idol!oc
cw: (bad) parenting; arguing; talks about "giving up"; this is a really heavy fic (imo) with a heavy but hard to explain plot without spoiling it all, if u read this fic, feel free to stop whenever you feel uncomfortable
This is NOT part of the same NCT addition!JiHo AU. Think of this as an alternate version of that universe or part of the imagine series I have done so far under 'writer.answers'. If you are stumbling upon my blog for the first time, this is a standalone fic u can read pretty much without knowing anything about my oc.
❀ Being new parents isn't easy. Still being able to care for his child while being an idol, Haechan can't seem to understand the mother of his child's struggles.
“Don’t cry, baby,” the new father cooed as he walked towards the cot, having just returned from work. He leaned over the bed to find his son’s restless body. Despite not being able to move much, the little baby had mustered all his strength to reach his tiny arms out once he saw his father. “What’s gotten you so upset?” Haechan asked with a pout as he brought the baby up in his arms. “Let’s get you something to eat.”
Haechan ignored the figure on the couch as he decided to retrieve a bottle of milk for his child first. When he returned to the living room he sat down on the couch, still skillfully handling the baby in his arms and started to give him his milk. “There you go,” he whispered softly before turning to the mother of his child.
“Why didn’t you feed him?”
An exhausted, emotion-filled sob left Jiho’s lips. “I tried, but he wouldn’t eat,” she told him while she still didn’t make eye contact with him.
“How long ago was that?”
“I don’t remember.”
Silence filled the rather dark room, only lit up with a small yellow-toned table lamp. It wasn’t a comforting silence. The tension between the two adults was only thickening, so much so that it seemed like Dongmin—their child—felt it as well. The 4 month year old had stopped drinking for a significant amount of time, causing Haechan to look back down at him which seemed to comfort him as he started to drink again. “So what? Were you planning to let him starve? He’s eating just fine now.”
“It wasn’t that long ago,” Jiho whispered again.
“Maybe he’s scared because you’re acting like that.”
That's where the conversation ended for the moment. Haechan finished feeding the baby and moved him to the nursery where another cot was. He waited for Dongmin to fall asleep before returning to the living room, where Jiho still sat.
“This is exactly what I mean,” he sighed and blatantly motioned over her form. “You’re sitting there like you’re straight out of a horror movie. With your hair in your face, wearing the same clothes that you’ve been wearing for a week now. Jiho!” he suddenly yelled her name, getting her to look at him. “Get a hold of yourself.”
Haechan was almost begging her at this point, he was getting tired as well.
“I tried—”
“Try harder! This isn’t just any child, this is our child.” By now, Haechan had kneeled down in front of her. “You’ve always been amazing with children. What’s different now?”
“He’s… our child.”
Haechan shook his head as if he was in disbelief and moved even closer to Jiho. He pulled her legs down off the couch away from her chest and wrapped his arms loosely around her waist. “All the more reason for you to love him. You love him don’t you?”
“He doesn’t like me.”
“It’s only been 4 months, Jiho,” he told her as his hand softly caressed her lower back. It had become a habit since during the last months of her pregnancy she always complained about her lower back and he always gave her massages for it. “You just need to spend more time with him—”
“I’m always here! Haechan, I’m the one who gave up on being an idol for this. I’ve been with him ever since—”
“You never call Dongmin by his name.”
Jiho pushed Haechan away and threw her head back in annoyance. Once she sat back straight, causing Haechan to see her face again, he could see that angry tears were running down her cheeks. “Your son hates me.”
“He’s our—”
“HE’S NOT MY CHILD!”
Those words took Haechan by surprise. In his shocked state he couldn’t even notice Dongmin starting to cry in his nursery—probably having heard the commotion from his parents. “How could you say that?”
“I had to give up everything! I stayed with him ever since he was born and did everything for him because you said we could do this. You said we would be great parents. I— I’m not a good mother, Haechan,” she confessed.
“I can’t get him to eat anymore. He won’t take bottles from me, he doesn’t even like me holding him. He cries the whole day if you aren’t here. How can I be a good mother if he doesn’t even like me?”
At this point Jiho had crashed onto her knees on the floor and started sobbing. The Jiho that was crying in front of him wasn’t the Jiho Haechan used to know. She wasn’t the girl—now woman—that he once fell in love with.
“Then try harder.”
Hearing those words, Jiho looked up at him in disbelief. Haechan was hovering over her with a hard to read expression on his face.
“What?” Her voice sounded a lot smaller than she expected it to sound.
“I’m not here to work the whole day, to provide for our son only for you to sit here and cry because you’re having a hard time feeding him. Maybe if you breastfeed him like the doctor told you to, Dongmin would trust you more.”
Confusion washed over Jiho as she didn’t expect Haechan to suddenly turn on her and sound so condescending. “What are you talking about? You knew I never wanted to breastfeed even before he was born. You knew this.”
“I want to help you Jiho, I really do. I know that we should’ve been more careful, that you put your trust in me and it’s my fault that we have a child now, but Dongmin is beautiful. He was an accident, but he’s the happiest little accident that I cannot get myself to regret. I know I broke your trust before, but ever since we found out you were pregnant I’ve never left your side. Can you please trust me again? We can do this together, okay? Isn’t that enough?”
Haechan had pulled Jiho closer to him, holding her by her forearms as he asked for her trust once again. However, Jiho started to shake her head.
“It’s not enough, Haechan. I’ve been scared ever since I found out I was pregnant. I’m still scared and you haven’t acknowledged it until now. Hell, I still don’t know if you realise it. The only reason I haven’t— the only reason I went through with it all is because it’s made you happy.”
“I—” Haechan stopped himself from speaking, feeling frustration rise in his body once again. “Let’s talk about this during dinner, okay? You order whatever you like. I’ll go check on Dongmin, we woke him up again.”
Jiho didn’t respond, but Haechan didn’t wait for a response anyway. He had already turned to go to the nursery, where he found his little boy crying once more. The baby was a bit fussy, but instantly calmed down once his father picked him up and swayed him around for a bit. “Your momma is a good person. She’s just really scared and appa hasn’t been very patient or considerate of her. Don’t tell her I said this, but I still love her very much.” Haechan chuckled a bit at how pathetic he sounded, but quickly shrugged it off. He placed a soft kiss on his son’s forehead before placing him back down in his cot. Dongmin fell asleep instantly.
Haechan took a little moment to regain himself before walking back into the living room. “Jiho,” he called out for her, but there was no response. “Jiho?” When she still didn’t answer and he couldn’t see her when peering through the door to the kitchen, Haechan decided to look through the whole house.
He checked Jiho’s room first. Haechan had never stood still by the fact that her room was pretty much empty since the first day they moved into the house. It had none of her personality and although Jiho was more of a minimalist, Haechan remembered how her dorm rooms from the time she was still an idol were filled with little trinkets. She used to always hold onto meaningful—and even meaningless—gifts from the members and fans. This room only held a bed, a dresser, a bookshelf and a chair she would read those books in.
Moving on—not forgetting to knock on the bathroom door and checking if it was empty—Haechan walked through all the rooms in the house until he reached his own bedroom. His room was right next to Dongmin’s nursery, only separated by an ensuite bathroom.
“Jiho?” He pushed the door open hoping though not expecting Jiho to be inside. As he predicted, there was no one in his room. He looked around and noticed the two pictures on his dresser. One of them was of him and Jiho while they were still coworkers. They were younger, though not by much and they seemed incredibly happy. The second picture was of them a few weeks after Dongmin was born. Haechan was the one holding Dongmin while Jiho sat next to him. She looked visibly tired in the picture, something that Haechan hadn’t noticed before. He also realised that in every picture that they have together, Haechan was always the one holding Dongmin. The only exception being the picture of when the doctor handed Jiho Dongmin when he was just born.
Returning to the living room, Haechan had dialled Jiho’s number, hoping she would pick up and explain she was just picking up some food at their favourite Thai place down the street. Something stopped him dead in his tracks though, when Haechan noticed something missing. It took him a second to clock what he had seen—or had not seen—before he set out in a panic.
The sweater he was wearing the whole day and had dropped on one of the chairs in the living room when he returned from work was missing. He walked towards the front door and Jiho’s shoes—the ones that she could slip onto easily whenever they decided to go on a quick walk—were gone. “Ji…”
With a deep, shaky exhale, Haechan slipped on his own shoes and ran towards the neighbours door. At the urgent knocks on the door a woman in her mid to late 30’s opened the door and asked what was wrong. “Mrs. Choi, please look over Dongmin for a while. He’s sleeping in his cot in the nursery.”
Mrs. Choi nodded quickly. “What’s wrong? Where is Jiho? Is everything okay?” she fired the questions as soon as she noticed something must’ve been horribly wrong.
“I don’t know, I— I’ll be back,” Haechan yelled out in a hurried stuttering mess before running down the stairs towards the street.
He started taking off to that favourite Thai place over there, only to be confronted by the sign he forgot about. Closed permanently in big black letters letters on the door. “God damnit,” Haechan cursed, turning around and starting to run the other way, not knowing where to go.
“Haechan?” A familiar voice stopped him.
With a relieved sigh, Haechan ran up to the old owner of the Thai restaurant. “Sir, have you seen Jiho?”
“Your wife?” Not having the time to correct the older man, Haechan nodded. “I’m sorry, Haechan. I haven’t seen her. Why? What’s—”
“I’m sorry! I have to go!” Haechan yelled as he hurried further down the street continuously trying to reach JiHo’s phone that she wouldn’t pick up.
Sweat was beating down his face and if he wasn’t so preoccupied with other thoughts, he would’ve thought he was close to having a heart attack with how hard his heart was beating. “Jiho!”
When he finally reached the park he frequented with Jiho and Dongmin, he stopped to catch his breath again. He took a few moments, his hands were shaking violently.
“Jiho… I— You’re an amazing mother. If there’s one thing I want you to know, then it would be that you are the bravest woman I know. You trusted me despite me giving you the life you hated. Yet you still stuck with it. You still try to take care of Dongmin despite having a hard time. If you were a bad mother— You would’ve given up by now, but you didn’t.
“I don’t deserve you, Jiho. But— Dongmin needs you. He needs a mother like you. Please… Jiho please don’t give up. I love you—”
Beep beep beep~
---
READ PART 2 HERE
S/N: idk what tag to post this under so for now I'll use jiho.writings and post it on the main writing masterlist under it's own thingy. Might be subject to change, so if u don't find it under that masterlist it will be on my main pinned masterlist.
masterlists: main masterlist || jiho.writings masterlist
cw: strong language, mentions of blood and injury, <10k words || era: December 18, 2022
❀ Sometimes it takes a while to realise who your actual family are, and sometimes you realise it when it's just too late
Chapter I:
“Last night there was a reported hit and run in the outskirts of Seoul in the direction of Incheon. The hit vehicle crashed into two other cars, causing a massive crash. Thankfully only one person was heavily injured, the four other victims: a mother with her daughter and two young males, were only lightly injured.
“The crash that occurred at the beginning of a bridge caused major damage to the infrastructure of the bridge. Police have closed off that bridge and authorities are clearing the scene. The perpetrator who caused the crash has not yet been found.
“All traffic heading towards Incheon Airport has been safely redirected. Those who planned on travelling out via this bridge are hereby warned to head out to the airport earlier to assure a timely arrival.”
“Wow, that’s insane,” Haechan reacted in a breathy tone after hearing the news. “To think those people were probably heading out on holiday and now they have to spend time at the hospital.”
Taeyong nodded with a tight-lipped hum, he patted the youngest on his shoulder before sitting down next to him. “I hope they’re all well.”
It was cold in the practice room. The thermostat had only been turned on when the first of the members arrived for their dance practice session. Something about the air in the room today didn't sit right. Maybe it was the frosty weather outside, the equally uncomfortable temperature inside or the exhaustion the members were feeling with their packed schedule, but the mood really wasn’t feeling right at that moment.
“Where are the others?” The leader looked from Haechan to Taeil, who both shrugged their shoulders, yet before Taeil could vocalise his unknowing, the door of the practice room swung open.
“I’m sorry we’re late!” Mark heaved and stumbled into the room.
Taeil chuckled a bit at the younger man’s frantic exterior. “Don’t tell me you actually ran up here.” It wasn’t even a question, more like a statement out of incredulity which had Taeil hardly suppressing a laugh.
“We were in the car,” Johnny said as he pushed past Mark. Jungwoo and Jaehyun followed him shortly. “Did you hear the news about the hit and run? It’s crazy.”
“So we were listening to it and came up here as soon as the report was over.”
Noticing Mark struggling with his bag and belongings, Taeyong stood up to lend him a helping hand. Mark mouthed a quick thank you, mentioning briefly how his morning had already been so hectic and he couldn’t seem to keep it together. Taeyong offered him a comforting pat on the back and told him he should take a few deep breaths. Mark complied and after having collected himself, showed Taeyong a grateful smile.
“That makes us seven out of ten. Any ideas where the rest are?” Taeyong asked the whole group.
The boys all shook their heads bar Jungwoo, who spoke up, “I’m not sure, but I think I remember Doyoung mentioned he had something to attend to before noon. I don’t know about Yuta and JiHo though. Should I call?”
Taeyong shook his head dismissively. “They’ll get here soon enough, let’s start warming up already.”
Practice was in session not long after. The members started warming up and began going over choreography. About 15 minutes in, Doyoung and Yuta joined. They seemed distracted and Taeyong took note of it, but didn’t mention it out loud. The practice wasn’t even halted, they just continued on and the two latecomers joined wordlessly so as to not waste any time.
Once the first break arrived all the members went to their own corners of the room for a water and snack break.
“You two good?” Taeyong checked on Yuta and Doyoung who both nodded. “Did you hear anything from—”
“The mother who got injured during last night’s hit and run in the direction of Incheon was willing to explain the incident.” The voice of the female reporter sounded from Haechan’s tablet.
“We were heading towards the airport, me and my daughter were going to visit family in Europe. It was fairly empty on this road, since people usually go from the main road. I just remember a car to the left of me, and I think also one behind me. Suddenly I heard a loud noise and the car left of me hit my car. I only remember hearing another car speed by and they didn’t have any lights on. The next thing I know, I was checking on my daughter and we tried to exit the car safely. Luckily we were able to get out easily. Me and my daughter only had some bruises and I had a little cut from the glass of my side window that shattered.”
“Mother and daughter are safe and were able to catch another flight to their destination. The two young injured men have been successfully treated for their injuries in the hospital. The last victim is still in the hospital, getting treated for injuries.”
Once the reporter stopped speaking the room began filling with murmurs. Some of the members were discussing the news, while others had conversations about entirely different things in general.
Yuta didn’t realise he was drowning out the other members’ voices, preoccupied with his own thoughts until something caught his attention.
“—JiHo, so I’m not sure.” Doyoung was talking, but Yuta couldn’t connect enough elements to figure out the context. This was noticed by Doyoung, who placed a hand on the older man’s shoulder and with a chuckle—not necessarily one out of amusement—he asked if something was wrong, “are you okay? You seem spaced out.”
“No,” Yuta began. “It’s nothing. Just… I don’t know anything about JiHo either—”
“Guys!” A loud high pitched voice cut Yuta off. All the members present turned to the door where they found a heaving Sihyun.
Another one, Taeyong thought as this had been the fourth person he had seen walking into this room who looked like their whole morning was filled with misfortune.
“What is it?” Johnny asked carefully as Sihyun had a difficult time speaking any words. No one was sure if it was because she had been running and was out of breath, or because of what she wanted to say.
“Have any of you guys seen JiHo?”
Chapter II:
“You don’t have to leave,” Yuta pouted playfully. He had a hard time hiding his smile as, even though he did feel a bit sad about JiHo returning to her apartment, he was happy she was in a better place than a month prior.
“You say that, but I’m pretty sure Doyoung is annoyed with me hogging his bed 24/7,” she deadpanned. However, the second she made eye contact with her fellow Japanese friend, the two broke out in laughter. “I think I’m messing with that homebody’s safe space too much,” she confessed.
“You can sleep here as well.” Yuta patted the bed he was sitting on—his bed.
In response JiHo scoffed, turning back to his desk where she was looking for her phone charger. “You kick me out every time you want to sleep. No thank you.”
“Hey! I don’t do that. It’s just that you hate me hugging you in your sleep and I need my space,” he countered. As he spoke those words though, he started to realise how contradicting they sounded. “Okay, so maybe we’re not great sleeping buddies, but if you go back to your apartment, who’s going to cook for me? And our movie nights? And game nights! Those are fun, although Haechan always hogs your attention and it’s getting annoying. That tiny boy needs to learn his place—”
Mid-ramble Yuta noticed how JiHo wasn’t responding to him. His eyes scanned JiHo’s unusually stiff figure until he realised what she was doing—or rather what she had seen. “JiHo, it’s not like that—”
“Like what?” Her voice had dropped an octave and there was no emotion in it. She turned around and was holding a small stack of envelopes. “What are these doing here?”
Taking a deep breath in, Yuta stood up and took a step closer, but JiHo moved back instantly. “I— Okay, I got them from your biological parents. They tried to visit you in Japan and I didn’t think you wanted them to, so I told them to leave. They gave those to me.”
JiHo took a few moments to let the information settle before she spoke up. “Japan? When exactly? At the beginning of the year?” When Yuta nodded affirmatively, JiHo scoffed even louder. There was a scowl on her face as she eyed him with anger. “Why didn’t you at least give them to me?”
“I was planning to. Believe me,” Yuta pleaded, trying to reach out to hold JiHo’s hand, but she shook him off. “I just didn’t know how you’d react or—”
“Well, now you know,” JiHo said and grabbed her suitcase, rolling it behind her as she walked out of his room.
“JiHo!” Yuta called after her, but she didn’t answer. She didn’t even look back as she closed the front door behind her and left the dorm.
Defeated, Yuta plopped down on his bed, cradling his head between his hands. He felt like an asshole for not letting the younger girl know about the letters, or that JiHo’s biological parents had tried to visit her, but if he was being honest, he knew that he wasn’t even planning on doing so. He lied to her.
Yuta never wanted to tell JiHo about her biological parents. They weren’t good people, they didn’t have good intentions. All he wanted was to protect her from them. Although he knew that that wasn’t his place nor call, he just wanted to be selfish. He and the members had been around JiHo for so long, caring for her, loving her, he didn’t want JiHo to meet those people who would give her an empty promise of doing what they had done for so many years. He wanted JiHo to see the boys as her family, he didn’t want her to reach out to those fake parents.
Too lost in his thoughts, Yuta fell asleep that night without changing out of his clothes. When he woke up that following morning it had already been close to noon. There was a lingering headache that made his every move that much more painful, more than the muscle ache of sleeping in an uncomfortable position for many hours.
As the late morning progressed he had pondered on whether or not to reach out to JiHo. He wanted to know if she reached her apartment safely last night, but the memories of their fight halted him. JiHo probably didn’t want him to call her. He had probably broken her trust and she must’ve been very angry at him—the anger in her eyes that looked at Yuta was still imprinted in his mind. He had to, however. It would’ve made him an even worse person if he didn’t at least check on her.
Just as expected, his call went to voicemail. JiHo didn’t want to talk to him, Yuta was sure of it. However, he hoped that she had at least seen the call attempt and knew that he was putting in an effort, but that thinking process even sounded selfish to himself. Yuta coined all his thoughts and actions towards JiHo as selfish. That’s just how I am, he thought.
Chapter III:
“What do you mean?” Yuta asked with a shaky voice after Sihyun had run into the practice room asking for JiHo. “Is she not at home?”
Sihyun turned to Yuta as he heard his voice and shook her head. “No… She isn’t,” she answered, but sounded confused.
“Did something happen?” Doyoung mimicked her confused look, sensing the weird atmosphere in the room.
Again Sihyun shook her head and took a step further into the room. “Why are you guys looking like that at me? It’s just that I’ve been setting up for JiHo’s birthday surprise and I don’t want it to get ruined.”
It took a second before the boys all sighed with a sense of relief. “God, you scared me, I thought something happened.”
“OH! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you guys, but… Wait. If JiHo isn’t here and she isn’t at home? Did anyone call her?”
Yuta raised his hand hesitantly, “I called her earlier, she didn’t pick up, but I…” Everyone eyed the Japanese expectantly. “We got in a little fight yesterday night so I think she doesn’t really want to talk to me.”
Taeyong sighed in a mixture of relief, acknowledgment, but also pain. “That’s why you’ve been acting so strange,” he said as he patted his friend on his shoulder. “Don’t worry about it. It’s hard to get JiHo that angry. She either didn’t see it or she’ll get over it quickly.”
“No, Taeyong. You don’t understand. I really fucked up this time.” Yuta’s eyes were wide before they turned down into a frown. It was clear to Taeyong—and the others—that whatever happened between Yuta and the female member was weighing on him.
“What happened?” Mark asked curiously. Of course he wasn’t beyond realising the weight of the situation, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t actively curious about what had happened. He would have to admit that when Yuta turned to him and let out a deep shaky sigh that he almost felt bad asking, but he thought that it would be best for his friend to air his worries.
“I spoke to JiHo’s biological parents more than half a year ago… during our concerts.” The gasps of disbelief from the members had Yuta lowering his head in shame. He knew that the boys had already made up their minds and thought badly of him for doing so. A comforting hand from his leader, however, had urged him to continue explaining. “JiHo sent them letters when she felt lonely, when she couldn’t see her actual parents. Her biological parents gave me the letters and I never told JiHo about it. I kept them and JiHo found them last night.”
There was tension in the room. It mostly felt like a feeling of shared sadness, but there was a clear air of disappointment and something akin to anger. The latter was very prominent coming from Yuta’s immediate left, where Doyoung stood and let out a scoff.
“Wow,” the Korean sarcastically commented. “Way to go, Yuta.”
“Hey! You would’ve done the same if you were in my position,” Yuta turned to his so-called friend. “If you met those people, you wouldn’t have wanted them around JiHo even for a split second.”
“You should’ve told her about it at least.”
“Don’t act like you’re a saint and never make dumb decisions.”
“You—”
“HEY!” Haechan suddenly yelled, catching everyone's attention. “What Yuta hyung did was dumb, but you can’t say you would’ve handled it differently when you never had to be in his place. Now, it doesn’t matter anyway. We don’t know where JiHo is and I don’t know about you guys, but it’s starting to get a little concerning to me.”
Mark turned to his friend who was heaving a little and put his arm around his shoulder comfortingly. Taeyong nodded in agreement before looking at Yuta and Doyoung and then at the rest. “I’ll call JiHo, see if I can reach her. Sihyun, you can continue preparing for JiHo’s surprise and the two of you—” Taeyong turned to the two members who were previously yelling at each other “—please make up, there’s no need to fight because of this. I’m sure you both are already stressed enough.”
Taeyong disappeared from the room alongside Sihyun, leaving the other members to themselves. “I’m sorry. I’ve just been feeling off the whole day. I slept terribly last night and,” Doyoung sighed. “I just hope things are fine.”
Yuta pulled the man in a quick hug, which Doyoung reciprocated immediately. “No need to apologise. I understand.”
Despite the two men reconciling, the mood in the room still felt a bit off. The members either stood in place, staring at whatever it might be, or were pacing around trying not to get in their head too much.
It proved rather pointless, because with every passing minute—Taeyong was taking a while—the boys grew more uneasy. They were all worried, but Johnny noticed one member in particular seeming to have an ever harder time. “Hey,” he said in almost a whisper. “You don’t seem too well. Is something on your mind?”
Yuta looked up at his taller friend and released his lip that was held hostage between his teeth. He shook his head from side to side, his eyes unfocused and darting around the room. “It’s just that…”
“Just that what?” Jaehyun stepped forward once he noticed Yuta’s expression. It looked like the Japanese man was about to say something, but had a hard time letting the words come out. “Did something come to mind?”
Jaehyun could act all calm, cool and collected as much as he wanted, but the tone of his voice gave him away immediately. He was panicking on the inside, scared that something might have gone wrong. His faked exterior immediately crumbled, however, when Taeyong entered the room with his phone held up high telling the members he wasn’t able to reach JiHo.
“Yuta, speak up,” Doyoung quickly urged.
The man eyed his friends first before he opened his mouth to speak, “Maybe—”
“The victim who was sent to the hospital with major injuries after last night’s hit and run case in Seoul is recovering well. The young man was in the driver’s seat of the first car that got hit with his two other friends in the back of the car. He will be able to leave the hospital by tomorrow. All victims of the crash will be able to spend their holidays safely with their families and friends. The police are still searching for the perpetrator.”
As soon as the female voice got cut off, Yuta let out a huge sigh of relief. Mark’s eyes widened once the realisation set in after he connected Yuta’s earlier demeanour and actions. “You thought that person was JiHo?!”
Mark’s voice boomed through the room, louder than it ever had.
As if caught red-handed, Yuta started to stutter out words defensively. “It wasn’t ruled out! I just thought there was a possibility JiHo might have gone to the airport because she wanted to see her parents,” Yuta’s loud and defensive tone diminished with every passing word. He looked around at his friends and once again dropped his head in shame. “I didn’t want to think like that, but perhaps hearing her biological parents tried to reach out… JiHo might’ve wanted to get in contact with them.”
Although Yuta sounded meek and defeated, the way his voice started to tremble and his words started to mix together, it was clear he had been insanely stressed and in his head before and that his emotions were finally catching up to him.
“Hey hey.” Mark took a step closer and called out to Yuta in a gentle voice, “you were just worried and scared. Let’s just be happy that it wasn't JiHo.”
Yuta shook his head and pressed his eyes shut tight—tears were starting to run down his cheeks. “I still shouldn’t have thought like that. If I even thought it was possible, why didn’t I do anything?”
Mark pouted and looked at Doyoung with a lost look. He didn’t know what to say or do, so opted to hug the Japanese man instead. Doyoung gave Mark a firm nod and with his own hand softly patted Yuta’s back. “You couldn’t have done anything in such a situation anyway. Let’s focus on actually finding JiHo first.”
As on que, Taeyong entered the room with his phone in hand. He was already shaking his head from side to side. “I can’t reach her.”
A collective sigh came from the boys. At this point reaching JiHo started to feel like an urgent matter, but if she wasn’t going to pick up, it did not matter how many times the boys would call.
“Let me try,” Haechan suggested, although having the same mindset as the others. Taeyong was about to say that the idea seemed almost pointless at this time—although he wasn’t against trying a few more times—when Haechan had already pulled out his phone and dialled JiHo’s number.
He tried 3 more times after that and each time the boys looked at him with held breath. The last time though, something was different. It didn’t take about a minute or two before the call went to voicemail.
“What happened?” Jaehyun asked with much urgency in his tone.
Haechan looked as pale as a ghost as he looked up to his older members. There was a confusing mixture of emotions displayed by him and his voice came out meekly as he answered, “it went straight to voicemail.”
Chapter IV:
JiHo slammed her hands on the steering wheel as soon as she sat down in the car. It was Yebin’s car. Yebin, her manager who had gone on pregnancy leave. Her fiance didn’t allow her to drive so Yebin had nicely lent JiHo her car for now.
It was a nice car, though nothing special. Something affordable and big enough for a kid or two in the back seat. JiHo would’ve decided on something else for a car of her own—if she was allowed to at least. This car was nice, but she wanted a car in which she could get away from life for a moment. A car which she could pretty much live in whenever life became too much. Just like at that moment.
She looked at the stack of envelopes on the passenger’s seat before letting out a scoff and immediately turning on the engine. In barely a minute she was on the street already. Despite it being the weekend, the streets of Seoul were rather empty. That shouldn’t have been surprising, noticing the time of day—rather night—it was.
~“Last night there was a reported hit and run in the outskirts of Seoul in the direction of Incheon. The hit vehicle crashed into two other cars, causing a massive crash.”~
Driving was something that went like autopilot for JiHo. One moment she was still in the parking lot, the next she was pulling up at her destination.
Destination…
Driving was so much like going on autopilot that JiHo sometimes didn’t even realise where she was heading. Usually it was just driving from her apartment or the boys dorm to the company, or returning home from the company. Sometimes JiHo would drive to personal schedules or if she just wanted to go out somewhere on her own. She didn’t have a car though, so it was a hassle to ask a manager for permission each time she wanted to go somewhere. If only she could buy her own car. Her father didn’t approve of the idea. Something about it being too dangerous. “Dangerous my ass,” JiHo mumbled to herself as she relived the arguments with her father about the topic in her head.
There was a nice song on the radio. JiHo hummed along with it, letting her body steer the car to wherever it wanted to go.
~“We were heading towards the airport, me and my daughter were going to visit family in Europe. It was fairly empty on this road, since people usually go from the main road.”~
The road she was on was not the one going to her apartment. That much she was sure of, but even though she was aware, even though she mumbled it to herself that this isn’t the way home, it was like her mind wasn’t connecting the dots. She just continued driving.
“God—” JiHo cursed as she had to hit the brakes suddenly. A car in front of her slowed down abruptly before its blinkers changed from the right to the left. With the sudden movement she heard something shift to the side of her. Looking back down at the passenger’s seat she was confronted with her own handwriting. She didn’t have to look closely to know what it said.
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Dubois
It’s me, JiHo. I was wondering if we could meet up one day.
JiHo internally cringed. She didn’t know whether she was more disappointed that she ever wrote it, or that she was still wondering about how her biological parents had reacted when they first read the letter.
“They probably didn’t even care.” The words she spoke were those to comfort her. It did little to do so however because JiHo quickly felt a hot tear on her cheek. She sniffled and wiped the tear away before really focusing on the street in front of her again. “How did I get here?”
In front of her were two cars. Despite this place being a bit further than the main road—JiHo wanted to be on the road for as long as possible—it was a pretty big road. Three lanes wide, but JiHo was in no rush. She continued behind the car on the most right side, heading towards the bridge.
~just remember a car to the left of me, and I think also one behind me. Suddenly I heard a loud noise and the car left of me hit my car.~
A loud screeching noise came from JiHo’s side. She barely had any time to look up before the four headlights started to blur into one big mess. There was rumbling, the sound of metal bending and screeching and scratching and getting crushed. JiHo tried to keep her eyes on the lights but it quickly became impossible.
The lights started to disappear to the left side of her vision and she felt her body get shaken until she couldn’t see any light anymore.
Chapter V:
“Should we call the police?” Mark suggested, earning some of the boys attention.
“We could, but they might not act on it immediately,” Johnny answered. His face looked like one of worry. It looked like he hadn’t slept in days, yet it was easy to pinpoint the source of his concern.
“I can’t sit here any longer, I’m gonna head out,” Jaehyun said as he grabbed his jacket.
“And do what?”
“I don’t know. Something?! We can sit here all day and wait, or we can try to go out and find her,” Jaehyun stated firmly. When he looked his leader in the eyes, however, his whole semblance shattered. He dropped his jacket and shook his head defeatedly. “Hyung— I just don’t have a good feeling about this. Just sitting here makes me feel useless.”
Taeyong nodded, pulling the taller man into a hug. “I know, but for all we know JiHo is just at the gym blowing off steam, or with a friend. JiHo is a smart girl who needs her distance sometimes. Let’s take it step by s—”
A ringing noise sounded from behind Taeyong. Turning around, he found Doyoung looking down at his phone confused. “Who’s that?”
“I don’t know, I don’t recognise the number,” he mumbled confusedly.
“Maybe it's a sasaeng?” Taeil commented with a slight scowl. It was true that lately the boys and JiHo were getting more sasaeng calls. If it weren’t the usual fan girls that bothered them, then it was this new fan who just called and didn’t say anything. As if to taunt them.
Doyoung shrugged, but decided to pick up the phone anyway. “Hello?”
The boys all watched as Doyoung took the call, trying to understand what was going on by watching his facial expressions.
“Car? ... Black car? … I’m sorry, I can’t— Wait, I’ll step out for a sec—” Doyoung stopped dead in his tracks before asking the person on the other side of the phone to repeat themselves. “No… I, you must be mistaken. There were only 2 cars—”
“On further investigation the police were able to find a third vehicle that was involved in the hit and run last night in Seoul. The car was found about a hundred metres down the side of the bridge. There seemed to be only one passenger in the car. The victim’s condition is not yet known.
“It took the police several hours to find the last vehicle. The car was not immediately found since there were no direct traces suggesting more than 2 vehicles involved, as well as the side of the bridge being very overgrown and there being many trees making the last car difficult to spot. They will do an extra search, expanding the search area to make sure no one else is left unfound.”
Frozen in his spot, Doyoung looked Taeyong dead in the eyes. His eyes were filled to the brim with tears and he had completely forgotten about listening to what the person on the phone was saying.
“Doyoung?” Taeyong whispered, but his friend still couldn’t say a thing. “Please talk to me.”
Before long, Johnny snatched the phone from Doyoung’s hand and held it up to his ear. “Yes? … Yeah I’m— I’m her brother.” As Johnny said that he couldn’t look his members in the eyes and so he turned his back on them and continued talking to the person on the phone.
“Hyung, what’s going on?” Haechan asked in almost a whiny tone. It wasn’t the usual playful tone he carried, but a genuine pained sound. “Can’t you tell us what happened? What did they say?”
Just a few seconds later Johnny turned back to the group. “Taeyong, Yuta, Doyoung?” He looked at the three, calling for their attention, but the latter didn’t budge. “Let’s go.”
The three stood there in shock, unsure of what to do, with Taeyong and Yuta eyeing each other nervously.
“COME ON! If you don’t come I’m taking someone else with me,” Johnny yelled loudly which made Yuta and Taeyong move instantly. To help Doyoung out, the leader pulled him by his arm, only partly getting him out of his trance.
“What about us?” Jungwoo asked in a soft, shaky tone.
A sigh escaped Johnny’s lips and he glanced over the room once again. “Okay, one more person can fit in the car with us. The others, ask for the manager to bring you.”
The other members nodded after they pushed Haechan towards the older members. “Where to?” Mark asked. He sounded almost scared to ask the question and when the response came, his apprehensiveness felt not unwarranted.
“To the hospital goddamnit! Where else to?” Johnny had never been this upset—this angry. When he got angry he’d always try to compose himself, using sarcasm or trying to joke about it to lighten the mood. This time, however, every sense of trying to stay composed—trying to be fake—was thrown out of the window and it was scary.
“Yeah. I’m sorry,” Mark had whispered to himself when he noticed the group leave the room without much of a second glance. Jaehyun was by his side in seconds to give him a pat on his shoulder, but when Mark looked up he didn’t see Jaehyun look at him with a comforting or reassuring gaze. The man himself was dying of nerves. He was just as scared as the rest.
“Let’s just go,” he stated short, earning affirmative hums and nods from the boys as they looked for a manager to bring them to the hospital.
Chapter VI:
“I’m sorry, this many people aren’t allowed in here. It’s family—”
The nurse had barely any time to state the protocol when 5 intimidating men were towering over her. If it weren’t for the clear tears, red eyes and clumped-together eyelashes, the woman would’ve called security without a second of thought.
“We’re her family, she’s all she’s got here.”
The woman nodded nervously before looking down at her clipboard. “A—And who’s family is it that you are?”
“Lim JiHo’s,” Taeyong answered in Johnny’s stead. It wasn’t like Johnny was unable to answer, but his height and clearly sour mood was making the nurse severely uncomfortable to the point Taeyong needed to step in. Johnny was tall and really scary at this moment, but he wouldn’t hurt anyone—besides possibly the person in charge of what had happened—Taeyong just didn’t want anyone to misunderstand his American friend.
“Lim? Lim JiHo?” She continued to leaf through the patient documents until she found the right name. “Oh—” Her expression was all but satisfactory.
“What does that mean?” Yuta asked, a clear waver in his voice. He felt the blood in his veins run cold and cold beads of sweat form on his hairline.
The nurse ushered them towards a waiting room—secluded and cold—before telling them to sit down. “I’ll need you to wait here, I’ll send you JiHo’s doctor immediately.” Before the boys could utter another word the nurse had run off already.
“Hyung,” Haechan whispered as he softly poked Doyoung’s shoulder. The latter turned around to look at the younger man, revealing his bloodshot eyes to Haechan despite not having many tears rolling off his cheeks. “Are you okay?”
Doyoung shook his head. It was the clearest answer he had given since the phone call. “I’m not,” he then voiced his answer. “But that doesn’t matter. All that matters is JiHo.”
Haechan nodded, but felt like it was not right. It seemed like Taeyong felt the same way as he reached out to Doyoung and caressed his arm. “I understand, but you have to stay strong as well. JiHo needs you that way.”
The two best friends shared pained gazes between each other and although not by much, it still felt a bit comforting to Doyoung. His mind couldn’t stop thinking about the what if’s and the maybe’s, but at least he didn’t feel alone.
“Hello good sirs,” a doctor said as he approached the five men. He didn’t share any other niceties and went straight to the point. “As you know JiHo was in that car crash?” When the members nodded, the doctor continued, “as she was found much later she wasn’t in good condition when we found her. She was still awake though not able to respond verbally. We brought her here and she’s currently in surgery.”
“What took them so long?” Yuta asked as soon as the doctor finished speaking, but his tone didn’t hold any hostility. He was genuinely curious as to why they had to suffer so long before being called to the hospital and could only imagine how long JiHo had to suffer alone in that car wreck.
The doctor made a gesture of acknowledgement and answered, “JiHo was found about an hour ago. We, the hospital staff, did think it was for the best to keep this information from the public until we found the family of the victim.” He let out a deep worrisome sigh which had the boys at the edge of their seats. “When the police found her and when she was brought into the hospital JiHo’s injuries were too severe to clearly identify her at first. The police couldn’t find any other identification on her until they found her phone a few more metres away from the car. When they charged it they found your number in it and during the surgery one of the doctors recognised her as well,” he explained. “I’m sincerely sorry about how this process has been going so far.”
“Do we have any updates on her so far?” Taeyong asked and the doctor’s brows settled into another frown.
“JiHo’s condition is still unstable. The surgery is getting wrapped up by now, but just surgery alone won’t make her better. She needs a lot of rest and possibly more surgeries. Due to the severe trauma to the head we have decided to put her into a coma.” Doyoung gasped and jumped out of his chair at the news even if his legs felt like they could give in at any moment. “Without it she won’t make it. She had been bleeding a long time before the police found her. It’s a miracle she even stayed awake for that long.”
“How big are the chances of her being back to normal with a coma?” Johnny asked.
Again the doctor sighed and placed a hand on Doyoung’s shoulder. “JiHo’s a really strong girl. The chances aren’t zero, but it will be really hard for her.” Doyoung dropped his head at the words and scared that he might fall, the doctor gripped both of the idol’s shoulders to keep him up. “It all depends on how hard she fights and seeing the support she has I’m sure she’ll put up a great fright.”
Without many more words said, the doctor excused himself and left the room. A nurse informed them that they could go visit JiHo in her room in about 10 minutes from then and offered to bring Doyoung some water since he started to look very pale. The members politely declined the offer and sat in the room waiting for any developments.
Chapter VII:
A droning in her head woke JiHo up. As she tried to open her eyes she was only met with blackness. At first she wasn’t sure she had even opened her eyes, but as she started to make up the interior of the car she realised it was just dark outside.
Her phone had been placed on the passenger’s seat along with the envelopes, but when she looked to her right instead of seeing those items, she was met with what looked like a branch of a tree. The passenger’s side window was indeed shattered and several branches and bushes were covering that side of the car, making it even darker inside.
With a sigh JiHo went to lean her head on the window on her side only to notice that the glass had also shattered. “Fuck,” she whispered tiredly. A piece of shattered glass had grazed the side of her head, not quite enough to leave a cut or even a scratch, but it was the contact of the glass and her skin that caused all the feeling in her body to return.
JiHo felt a hot stream of liquid on the side of her head. It didn’t take much for JiHo to realise it was blood, her own blood, that covered one side of her face. She tried to move her hand to press the wound shut, but her limbs felt unusually heavy.
“Oh God, please help—” she tried to pray but her words got cut when she heard something in the distance. She noticed the sound of her phone, someone was calling her but she couldn’t pick up. Her phone wasn’t in the car, the distance of the sound made her realise that.
JiHo didn’t know how long she was in the car. She had heard a lot of noise coming from the distance, and what sounded like sirens, but when she was still there after the sun started to come up she wasn’t sure if she had only imagined it.
Despite the sun coming up, her vision hadn’t gotten any clearer. The temperature in the car had dropped significantly from the night as the warmth the car had provided escaped through the shattered windows. Thankfully she was still wearing warm clothes and the pain in her limbs and head were still providing her some semblance of warmth. The sun which just hid her windshield provided a little warmth as well.
At this point JiHo could hear her phone ring more often. It was almost as if the sound was teasing her. She couldn’t see her phone and even if she could, she wouldn’t be able to reach out. At some point she felt like she was getting delusional. She couldn’t possibly be hearing her phone, she normally put it on silent anyway. Yet she wanted to believe her members were worried about her. Although she remembered the way she ran out of Yuta’s room and thought that maybe she had acted a bit childish. Yuta must have had his reasons, and JiHo started to understand why he possibly did what he did.
The ringing sound of the phone was drowned out by a sudden ruckus. It sounded like a group of people, but not one of the voices sounded familiar to her.
“There’s someone here!” was all JiHo could really make out between all the shouts and for the first time that night she was sure that she at least wasn’t imagining those people. She could hear them, she could feel them and eventually she could see them. “Hey, are you okay? Can you hear me?”
JiHo only blinked in response, not having the energy and seemingly not even the ability to respond verbally. “She’s awake! We need to get her out now…” The man continued to speak to the other people, but JiHo could only focus on the fact that he looked so much like Johnny. He wasn’t as tall and he didn’t look as fit as Johnny, but his facial structure reminded her a lot of him. “Hey, we’ll get you out of here. Just stay awake, hmm?”
That was the last thing she heard before she closed her eyes, hoping that she was in caring hands, hoping she would be reunited with her family soon.
Chapter VIII:
“You can go inside now, but I suggest only three people go in at a time,” the nurse told the group. At this point in time, the other four members had arrived at the hospital. The mood in the waiting room had grown indescribably cold after Taeyong had explained the whole situation to the others. That also gave the first five to arrive a moment to take everything in once again and it didn’t make it easier.
“Doyoung?” Taeil called for him and motioned in the direction of JiHo’s room. The younger one shook his head though and slumped back in his chair.
“I think I’ll go last,” he told them. “I need to mentally prepare for this.”
Although everyone knew he could never be prepared—none of them could—they didn’t refute his comment and let three other members go in first.
Taeil went in with Mark and Jaehyun. They stayed in the room for about five or ten minutes before they walked back out. They didn’t say anything and no one asked anything either. All that was clear was that the three looked more defeated, more tired, more sad after they went in—no words were needed to notice that.
The next three were Jungwoo, Haechan and Taeyong. They stayed inside for a little longer than the previous three and when they came outside Taeyong had to support a sobbing Jungwoo to the waiting room. He tended to him for a bit before Jungwoo suggested he’d go outside and get some air.
“I’m coming with you. I think I need to get out of here for a little while,” Mark commented and helped Jungwoo get up from his seat. The two friends walked side by side towards the exit at the end of the hallway.
Once they were gone Taeyong turned to the last three. Johnny gave him a small nod before heading in with Yuta under his arm. Hesitantly Doyoung called for Taeyong’s attention, “how is she?”
Taeyong sighed deeply. “Well…” he mused. “It looks like she’s just sleeping,” he explained and Doyoung nodded although he seemed a bit apprehensive. “She looks a little pale and I don’t like it that I can’t see her smile right now. She looks a lot prettier when she smiles,” Taeyong chuckled sadly as he tried to hold back tears. “She almost doesn’t look like herself, but I can recognize those freckles and birthmarks anywhere.”
Doyoung didn’t say anything as he looked in the direction of JiHo’s room. Johnny and Yuta were already inside, but Doyoung couldn’t get himself to move. “You need to go see her,” Taeyong said firmly, yet his voice still held sympathy and enough gentleness. It was enough for the others to share a look before deciding they should leave the two alone.
“I don’t think I can,” Doyoung answered honestly once Jaehyun, Taeil and Haechan left the room. “I don’t think I can see her today.”
Taeyong pressed his eyes shut as he fought his inner turmoil before taking a step closer to Doyoung. “If you don’t see her today…”
“What?” Doyoung snapped his head at the leader. “What are you saying? She’s not going to die, Taeyong!”
“You don’t know that,” Taeyong said exasperated.
“I do! Even if it’s 0.0001 chance it’s not impossible! She’ll survive!” Taeyong let his friend heave in silence. He did not speak, leaving Doyoung with his thoughts and concerns. “They said she wouldn’t have been awake for so long, but she was. She’s strong enough to get through this.”
“She did that because she wanted us to go see her. Doyoung if you see her state—”
“No! I don’t want to! She’ll be fine,” Doyoung yelled and let his tears run freely. He could barely see Taeyong through his blurred vision, but tried to look him straight in the eyes. “I need her to be fine, Taeyong.”
“So you just won’t see her? Why?”
Doyoung sobbed as he tried to answer Taeyong, who seemed eerily calm, but the truth was he just felt so lost and scared he didn’t know how to act. “I don’t want the last time I see her to be like this. I want to remember her being happy,” Doyoung whispered to broken cries.
“Doyoung,” Taeyong called out for him as he placed his hand on his arm. “I know it's hard, but… This could be the last time you see her— alive,” he choked on his last words. Just as he said it, Doyoung had looked up to make eye contact once again, but upon hearing those words, he fell down to his knees and shook his head.
“No, no, no…” he chanted to himself in pain.
“I’ll be by your side okay?” Taeyong whispered comfortingly and caressed his friend’s arms. The two sat there for a bit before deciding to finally get up. However, just as they were about to turn to the hallway a group of people started rushing through the hallway.
“Doctor! Room 245!” Doyoung and Taeyong looked at each other with horror in their eyes as a group of doctors and nurses headed towards the called room, the number being too familiar.
Taeyong and Doyoung both stood frozen before Yuta and Johnny walked out of the room with extremely pale complexions. “What—”
Before Taeyong could even ask his question Yuta shook his head. “I don’t know, I— I don’t know, I don’t know,” like a broken record he kept repeating the words. Even when Taeyong told him to pull himself together, all he could say was “I don’t know”.
“Defibrillator needed in room 245!”
Doyoung stopped right in his tracks as he tried to walk towards the room before. He felt his body become instantly cold and he felt his breath get taken away. His palms were sweaty despite feeling freezing cold and his body started shivering. The tears that ran down his cheeks felt as if they were burning the skin beneath them. All he could do was watch as doctors ran into the room behind big medical equipment. Doyoung fell to his knees, not realising the blood curdling scream he let out yelling for his little sister, before his whole world became blurry and then turned black completely.
Chapter IX:
“I’ll stay with you no matter what,” JiHo smiled brightly as she traced shapes in the palm of Doyoung’s hand. “You don’t think you can get rid of me do you?” She giggled.
Doyoung didn’t respond, neither did he look at her.
“I don’t like it when you ignore me and you’ve been doing that a lot lately,” she pouted, but it was soon followed by another giggle.
Doyoung sighed. He felt exhausted, but he knew this wouldn’t stop. So he opened his eyes and looked at the girl sitting on the side of his bed. She immediately smiled upon catching his gaze and commented on it, “you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
The boy hadn’t slept in days, his complexion was void of its natural colour and his eyes were dull. “Are you still not going to talk to me?”
Again no answer.
JiHo dramatically sighed, throwing her head back before leaning in really closely. All Doyoung could see were her eyes. The colours were still familiar and bright, but something wasn’t quite the same as before.
“I won’t stop bothering you until you answer! I won’t leave you alone! Even if you get sick of me!” JiHo sang in a childish voice as if she was testing his patience. Doyoung only blinked at her. “I promise you! I won’t leave you alone until you talk to me. Will you not talk to me?”
Doyoung wanted to answer with a no, but he didn’t. He didn’t want to talk to her. He didn’t want to give in even if his whole body, his heart and mind were telling him to talk to her.
“You won’t talk?” JiHo nodded her head before sitting back up straight. She tucked away her hair behind her ears and patted down her white dress before quickly reaching out for Doyoung’s hand again to continue tracing her nonsensical patterns. “Then I’ll stay here and continue to bother you,” she sang to no one in particular, but with a raised brow and a sly peak in Doyoung’s direction he knew she said to get a reaction out of Doyoung. “Fine… I’m not leaving though.”
Doyoung closed his eyes, to suppress the tears in his eyes from falling and smiled softly to himself. Don’t leave. That’s all I want. For you not to leave.
Epilogue:
“They found JiHo’s letters,” Taeil said as he walked inside the dorm. He dropped a stack of envelopes—some looking rougher than others—on the table. “JiHo’s biological parents sent the rest over that JiHo had sent them. I haven’t read them yet. Yuta has and he said you might want them.”
Doyoung’s eyes followed Taeil’s figure as he sat himself down on the couch. He took a few moments before turning his gaze to the envelopes. “How did they find them? I mean the letters that her biological parents didn’t send.”
The question wasn’t so heavy, yet the answer was and Taeil wasn’t sure how to bring it. Johnny was with him when he heard the news and he was angry yet collected. When he went to tell the news to Yuta—Shotaro was with him at the time—he reacted very badly. The younger Japanese member had to calm him down which was a struggle.
Now he was facing another obstacle. He was sure Doyoung wouldn’t take to the news well. “They caught the guy,” he stated simply.
“The guy? Who?”
Taeil pressed his lips together, not wanting to actually say it, but Doyoung needed to know. “The guy that caused the hit and run. Well… He’s actually the guy who caused the fire in JiHo’s apartment that time—” Taeil flinched at Doyoung’s loud gasp. The older of the two was almost afraid Doyoung was going to hit him with how he suddenly jumped up to the front of his seat towards him. “He—uhm—did it on purpose.”
“How did he know where she was going?” Doyoung asked and Taeil was actually surprised, yet confused, with how calm Doyoung was.
“He’s a sasaeng. Had so much stuff on JiHo. I don’t know the details, but he was either following her or he must have had a tracker on her. He’s put into custody right now.”
Doyoung jumped up and pulled at his hair in frustration and disbelief. “Sasaeng?! All he did was attempt to kill her! Why would he even—UGH!”
Taeil sighed and put his head into his hands, propped up against his thighs. “I don’t know— Doyoung,” he called out when he noticed him pacing in front of him. “The police will do their job, but I need you to read this. Shotaro and Yuta translated it, but I think the other thing that’s inside is more important.”
Doyoung’s eyes darted from Taeil’s to the letter and back at him. The older one gave him a nod to urge him to grab it. He hesitated for a few more seconds before taking it. It was a clean letter, no tears or creases, just a simple ivory envelope with a bit of weight to it. Aside from the main letter, Yuta and Shotaro’s translation was added on a separate piece of paper. Doyoung chuckled, comparing Yuta’s still neat handwriting to JiHo’s elegant one. JiHo always had great penmanship even back in 2018 when the letter was dated.
Mr. and Mrs. Dubois
You still haven’t answered any of my letters. At first I was disappointed, but I understand now. You gave me up because you didn’t want children, so maybe you despise the fact I’m writing to you now. Or you moved into another building and my letters aren’t reaching you—I have reasons to believe otherwise though, because my niece is still in contact with you and told me this is not the case. Whatever it might be that makes you ignore me, today it doesn’t bother me as much.
As you know I have debuted in my group now. At first I was a bit jealous of how close they were to their families and each other, but recently I started to feel like I belonged. I used to send you letters because I wanted a family that was close to me and didn’t lie about not being able to visit—I’m sure my parents have their reasons, however, that doesn’t change anything about me not being able to see them in real life.
Yesterday me and my group members had dinner together and Doyoung called me his little sister. Yuta said he would still bother me like an older brother when we grow old and Taeyong said I’m part of the family now. Maybe I’m living in a temporary state of delight and tomorrow I’ll face the reality that I’m just some girl who these talented people have to deal with, but today I’m feeling happy. It doesn’t matter, because I saw the sincerity in Doyoung’s eyes. He might have laughed after he said it, but he seems to really care about me.
Johnny as well! He looks like a big scary guy but he’s the sweetest. He promised to let me drive his car when I’m older, but I’m guessing papa told him about aunt Danny because Johnny was a bit hesitant when I asked him about it again. You do know about aunt Danny right? She died in a car crash when she was really young. If you didn’t know, I'm sorry to tell you right now… SO, papa told me I was never allowed to have my own car and that if I died in a car crash he would kill me. Pfft, that sounds a bit dumb no? Hahaha, I know he’s just worried, but something like that doesn’t happen as much as people think.
I’m getting a bit off topic, so I’ll wrap it up quickly. I’m super happy being around my members lately. They take good care of me and I feel like I’m at home with them. That’s why I wanted to say that as long as I’m feeling this way I won’t send any more letters. I always send you letters because I want a family, but I feel like they are here for me more than any of my actual family has ever been. That might sound a little rude, but I can’t apologise for it. It’s the truth.
Stay well! I hope I don’t have to send you any more letters
- NCT’s Lim JiHo
Doyoung smiled sadly and pulled out the last item out of the envelope. It was a collage of pictures of her and the members of NCT back in 2018. Doyoung laughed when he saw the picture of JiHo and him wearing matching shirts with one of them saying “sister” and the other “brother” and JiHo’s unamused face. At that time, he absolutely despised those shirts as well, but seeing JiHo hate them even more was amusing to him.
Doyoung bit back a teary smile as his eyes scanned all the pictures of JiHo with him and his members. Taeil had taken notice of that and sighed softly, “you’re allowed to be happy and smile at those memories.”
Doyoung nodded, but continued to force his smile back down, “I know. It just feels inappropriate at the moment.”
“You’re right,” Taeil said as he stood up. A confused look was plastered on Doyoung’s face as he eyed his older friend. “Let’s go visit JiHo.” Doyoung smiled softly and picked up his coat that had been thrown over the back of the couch.
The two weren’t so quiet as they made their way to the front door—not that they were trying to be—garnering someone’s attention. One of the bedroom doors in the hallway swung open, revealing a dishevelled Haechan. He eyed both men before his eyes widened. “Are you going to visit JiHo?” Taeil hummed in response. “I’m coming with you!”
The older two smiled as they watched Haechan stumble across the living room, grabbing his jacket from where he had abandoned it earlier. “Why do you so eagerly want to come?” Doyoung inquired softly.
Haechan gasped and placed a hand on his chest. “Why would I not want to come?” he countered, but both of his members didn’t answer. “I just—” Suddenly Haechan had become a bit more bashful. “I had a dream about JiHo yesterday and I just felt like singing for her today. Maybe it’ll make her smile,” he explained with red cheeks.
As Taeil cooed, Doyoung scoffed in amusement. “You know she can’t smile— nor hear you, right?”
Haechan nodded, but after putting his shoes on pulled both of his hyungs out the front door. “I know, but maybe in spirit she will hear me and she’ll smile.”
Although Taeil—and the other members—knew Haechan was hurting just as bad as the others, he couldn’t help but admire how positive and strong Haechan had been. He really had become a source of strength for all the other members, even though he sometimes also needed a person to lean on.
Taeil looked at both of his younger members and couldn’t suppress a smile and as he ruffled the youngest’s hair he answered him with, “I’m sure she will”.
---
masterlists: main masterlist || jiho.writings masterlist
This is NOT part of the same NCT addition!JiHo AU. This is a "part 2"/spin off kinda post following Trust Me One More Time. Reading that post first is highly recommended.
❀ Almost 10 years later, Haechan still has troubles moving on from the past
“Appa?” Haechan hummed softly in response to his son’s call. The two were walking hand in hand towards the school gate. It had become a bit warmer in the last few weeks so Dongmin was only wearing a sweater instead of a jacket and his bright yellow scarf.
“Where is my mom?”
Haechan stopped abruptly at the question, very surprised that his son suddenly brought up this subject for the first time in the almost 10 years he’s been alive. It took Haechan a little longer than expected to collect himself, yet Dongmin didn’t seem to mind. He didn’t even bat an eye as his father squeezed his hand a little when he dropped the question. By the time Haechan was back to reality, Dongmin had already asked his follow up question.
“Is JiHo my mother?”
“Why— Where did you get that from?” Although Haechan wanted and tried so hard to keep his composure, he couldn’t help but stutter. With wide eyes he looked at his son, who was now pulling him towards the school gate
“My friends showed me videos of you and the uncles from NCT. They told me this aunty, JiHo, left the group suddenly. She said that by the time she left, it would be the time I was almost born.” Now it was Dongmin who stopped walking and pulled his father back to look at him. “Is Aunty JiHo my mother? Is that why I never met her?”
Haechan didn’t know what to say and only looked at his son.
“If she’s not, that’s okay! I just thought she was really cool,” Dongmin said with a bright smile. Haechan chuckled—trying his best to hide the sadness he felt at the same time. He picked up his son and placed him on the bench next to him so they were eye to eye.
“JiHo wa— she’s really cool isn’t she?” Haechan asked, earning an excited nod from the young boy. “I’m pretty sure she would think you’re pretty cool too.”
“Really?”
Haechan couldn’t help but smile even wider looking at the excited twinkle in his son’s eyes. A sight he had been very familiar with for years. “You two have a lot in common.”
The two continued to look at each other with bright smiles, but Dongmin noticed his father’s expression wasn’t one of complete happiness. He noticed how Haechan’s eyes seemed a little glazed over. The corner of his lip was twitching slightly and the way he held onto Dongmin’s small hands was a bit more possessive.
“Appa?” Without missing a beat Haechan nodded his head. “I love you.”
Haechan chuckled once again. He pulled his son into his embrace before the young one could catch a stray tear falling down his cheek. “I love you too, buddy,” he whispered. Before pulling back he quickly wiped away his tears. “Before you go,” Haechan began pulling something from beneath the collar of his shirt.
“I’m gonna be late,” the little boy whined, causing Haechan to laugh.
“Here.” Haechan handed Dongmin a necklace. It was a simple chain with a ring attached to it. The boy looked at it confused before eyeing his dad questioningly. “It’s something I want you to have.”
It seemed like Dongmin understood what his father was saying even if the words weren’t coming out. “Appa,” he began and placed the necklace back in his father’s hands. “I don’t want to lose it in school. It’s important so give it to me when we’re home.”
Haechan let out a little exhale. Every day he was surprised with how intelligent his son was. His mind and temper reminded him so much of his mother.
“Have a good day and school, hmm?” Dongmin nodded with a smile and Haechan leaned down to place a kiss on the little guy’s nose before letting him run off towards the school gate. “And don’t go annoying your friends!”
The little boy stopped and turned around. The teacher who was about to close the gate looked down at Dongmin before he looked at his father. “Appa! I’m not like you!” the boy teased before running inside leaving his father an embarrassed blushy mess and the teacher giggling at his antics. The two adults’ eyes met and Haechan gave the woman a polite smile before walking towards his home.
“Wait!” Turning around, Haechan saw the teacher from earlier run towards him. She smiled brightly, though she seemed a bit tired from the quick sprint. “Dongmin looks a lot like you.”
Haechan politely waved her off. “He looks more like my wife,” he responded.
“Wife? I— I don’t see a ring,” she said after scanning his hands quickly. Haechan rolled the ring he was holding from the palm of his hand to between his fingers. “Oh, I’m sorry—”
“No, don’t be. I slipped, she— I don’t have a wife. Dongmin looks like his mother is what I meant to say.”
“Recently divorced?”
“Never got married.”
The teacher frowned hearing the words, but it quickly settled in when she remembered overhearing a conversation between Dongmin and his friends. He had told them he never met his mother. She clasped a hand over her mouth, barely cutting off the loud gasp of realisation. “Did she—”
“I don’t know,” Haechan commented, returning the look of pity she gave him with a tight-lipped smile. “I don’t want to know. All I know is that she isn’t here anymore. Not where I can see her at least.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. Dongmin is strong. He’s a lot like her. I know he’ll be fine. I’ll have it a bit harder,” he chuckled.
The woman reached out, softly touching Haechan’s hand but he pulled it away at her touch. “If you ever need someone to talk to. We could go out for coffee and—”
“Miss, you are a beautiful lady. I just… It’s been 9 years and I haven’t moved on yet. I don’t think I’m ready to move on.” He held the ring up to show it to her. “I desperately want to believe she’s still out there. I’m not ready to give up on her yet.”
The two looked at each other and maybe it was the look of pity on her face or the look he didn’t want to accept yet—a look of understanding—but Haechan let the tears flow freely down his cheeks.
“She isn’t out there anymore, is she?” the woman whispered as she took a step closer.
Haechan fiddled with the sweater he was wearing and felt a wave of emotion take over him as he shook his head. “No,” he mouthed.
“She isn’t out there anymore.”
---
S/N: I caved and did a part 2 regardless which is pretty much still as open for interpretation as the first part. There's also an "Easter egg" in this, although very vague, but if u spot it u might have some theories. To the person who finds it- idk u don't really win anything, but maybe u can get an explanation? 😬
masterlists: main masterlist || jiho.writings masterlist
cw: alcohol consumption, strong language || era: September 2022, after filming the ❮질주PUB🍺❯ video
❀ The rejection wasn't what hurt JiHo the most, it was the following days and weeks that hurt her like salt put on an open wound. Slowly burning until she couldn't take it anymore.
Another round of drinks filled up the table as the cameras were turned off, signalling the end of filming. Half of the boys decided to take their drinks to sit with some of their close staff, leaving only Doyoung, Taeyong, Johnny, Haechan and JiHo—with her sitting between the last two—at the table.
As the 3 older members continued with their animated conversation, JiHo played with her eating utensils—stabbing at some of the leftovers on the plate in front of her. To her right she had noticed Haechan gulp down another beer and slowly losing his grip on reality. He’d interject happily with mumbled comments no one could distinguish, but no one paid him much mind, besides Doyoung warning him with a half-hearted “you should slow down”.
He did not, and not even a second after he downed his glass he was already reaching for another. As he went to grab it however, Haechan noticed it wasn’t there anymore. A pronounced pout formed on his lips and he had never been so confused, so that, even in his drunken state, he questioned if he hadn’t drank too much. It was only when he took note of the loud protesting yells next to him that he saw what had happened.
Next to him JiHo had downed the full glass of beer in one go, before placing it down in front of her. Doyoung, Taeyong and Johnny all looked at her with wide eyes as if they witnessed the most horrific thing that could’ve ever happened to them.
“That was mine.” Haechan’s whine barely reached audible volume levels, as his eyes stayed trained on JiHo’s lips. It wasn’t a deliberate choice to look at her lips, but he couldn’t help but notice the drop of beer—his beer—dripping down from her lips onto her chin before disappearing as she wiped it off with her sleeve.
“What was that? Why are you drinking all of a sudden?” Doyoung yelled at the girl as he studied her face. “You never drink! And you downed that so quickly! Do you—”
“Doyoung,” Johnny held his hand up towards his younger friend, stopping him in his scolding. “It’s fine, it’s just one beer.” He then turned to JiHo, who had not paid anyone any mind and continued to stare at something “more interesting” in the distance. “You alright?”
With a nod from JiHo, Johnny went back to the conversation he and Taeyong and Doyoung were having.
“Why did you do that?” Haechan whispered after a while. JiHo didn’t answer, causing the boy to pout again. “I wanted to drink that…” he sang, reaching out for another glass which someone had left behind but was only half-full.
Haechan flinched—albeit a little late with his slow reflexes caused by the alcohol—when JiHo grabbed his wrists stopping him from getting to the glass. “You’ve had enough.” Her tone was cold yet there was still enough concern there for the drunk friend to pick up on.
In a normal scenario this would be where Haechan would get scared or whimper at the hostility in JiHo’s voice, but instead Haechan retracted his hand with a happy sound rumbling from his chest.
“What?” JiHo asked, confused as she finally made eye contact with her same-aged friend. He had curled up into himself and held a goofy smile.
“This is the first time you acknowledge me today,” he said proudly—more to himself than to her. “It’s also the first time you looked me in the eye today.”
“You’re surprised?”
If Haechan wasn’t surprised before, he definitely was now—not expecting the bluntness in JiHo’s tone. His smile fell and he almost resembled a kicked puppy at that moment. “I—“
“You’re an asshole, you know that?” JiHo didn’t wait for an answer, as she pretty much kicked her chair back and walked outside, leaving everyone in the room either surprised, confused or worried.
“JiHo?”
In Haechan’s mind everything happened pretty quickly, but in reality JiHo had been sitting outside for about 4 full minutes as Haechan stumbled his way to get to her. “There you are,” he breathed heavily as if he had just run a full marathon.
“What do you want, Haechan,” JiHo sighed. It was clear that she didn’t really want to talk, but the wringing feeling in Haechan’s head and heart—possibly the alcohol if he was being honest with himself—couldn’t let him leave things like that.
“You just drank my beer, told me you hated me and ran out.” JiHo rolled her eyes and scoffed at his words, thinking he was joking. When she turned, however, it was clear that Haechan was being serious.
“I didn’t tell you I hated you, I just— You know what, let’s have this conversation when you’re sober,” she told him and returned her gaze to stare at the night sky. “If you’d speak to me at least.”
It wasn’t meant for Haechan to be heard, but somehow he managed to catch every single word JiHo said. “What’s that supposed to mean—”
“You know exactly what that is supposed to mean!” JiHo yelled and jumped up to her feet with a frustrated stomp. “You’ve been acting like the biggest asshole after you rejected me! You said we would be fine. You lied—” JiHo choked on her last word as she tried her best to contain her emotions. “What’s wrong with you?”
Haechan shook his head, trying to think back of the past month and a half. “I thought I was giving you some space to process—”
“‘Process’? Haechan we left things off saying we weren’t going to feel sorry for each other. That we would move on. Sure I didn’t like the rejection, but I hated it more how you started treating me afterwards. Were you that appalled by my confession?”
“NO!” Haechan jumped up from his place now, but had a hard time keeping himself balanced. JiHo just watched him struggle until he finally could stabilise himself on his two feet. “I wasn’t. I promise I wasn’t.”
Haechan sounded desperate for JiHo to take his answer as the truth, but JiHo’s expression didn’t change. She looked so hurt and it caused Haechan’s heart to shatter in a million little pieces. “That’s the last thing I want you to think…”
“I don’t get it, Haechan. I’m so sorry I confessed to you. I’m so sorry if I made you think a certain way about me for you to act like I’m a stranger. You never talk to me besides when it’s really necessary or if we are in front of the fans. Yet, at the same time when I’m around people you don’t know, you look at me like me talking to them is the biggest betrayal. You watch my every step but as soon as I look at you, you don’t want to make eye contact with me,” she sounded so defeated and confused. “And it took you getting piss-drunk for you to have a conversation with me that didn’t end in just 30 seconds.”
The two stared at each other. The friendliness of a 4, maybe 5 year friendship was nowhere to be found. It felt like looking at a stranger, or an old friend you hadn’t seen in over a decade.
“What’s wrong, Haechan?” JiHo asked, feeling defeated, as if it was her last chance to turn things around, to fix things.
Just at that moment the door opened revealing a slightly worried Mark and Taeyong. “JiHo? Have you seen—”
“I’m so fucking sick of this! I’m sick of you,” Haechan yelled, suddenly. His eyes were wide and red with angry tears brimming in them. It took a few seconds for JiHo to register the words, but as soon as they did, she felt confused tears of her own in her eyes. Her tears, however, were not afraid to spill and roll down her cheeks.
“Haechan,” JiHo called out for him with a tremble in her voice. She didn’t know whether she wanted to run away or run to him and beg him to change his mind.
The days, weeks, almost months of Haechan avoiding JiHo, staring daggers at her, they all started to make sense now. He really hated her? Although he just said he was disgusted by her confession, he just contradicted himself. Did he not?
“I’m sick of everything. Of how you make me feel, of how you—” he scoffed with a sad chuckle. “Of how you don’t leave my brain for even a second!”
All of a sudden the atmosphere changed as JiHo looked Haechan in the eyes. There was no hatred to be found, rather his eyes were swarmed with feelings of guilt, fear and sadness. “What do you mean?” she barely was able to say as quiet sobs obstructed the air in her lungs.
“JiHo, I like you so much it fucking hurts,” he choked out before falling to his knees. “I tried to act like everything was fine, so you’d be able to move on, but I know… I know now that I was being a horrible person to you.”
Hot tears streamed down Haechan’s cheeks as he felt all his bottled up emotions finally escape his body. His body shook with loud and painful sobs.
Taking a step closer JiHo started lowering herself to his level, “but if you like me—”
“No, JiHo, you don’t get it.” Haechan removed his hands from his face and looked at JiHo, who had taken her place kneeled in front of him. “The boys are right, if I’m with you I wouldn’t be a good boyfriend. I wouldn’t be the boyfriend you need or deserve.”
“That doesn’t make sense,” JiHo whispered, taking Haechan’s hands in her own. “You’re probably still really drunk and tired. We can talk about it tomorrow.” She started to pull Haechan to his feet. He let her, but he didn’t move once they had stood up fully. He pulled her back, keeping her from walking back inside.
“You’d be hurt being with me more than I already hurt you JiHo. Even though I could’ve avoided all of this, I just—”
“Shut up Haechan, you’re speaking nonsense.”
“JiHo!” He yelled, pulling her back once again. “You’re more to me than someone that could’ve been my girlfriend. You’re one of my best friends. My colleague, my member. Someone I can lean on… Someone my friends can lean on. We all care for you so much, and I’m scared that if I had said yes to your confession I’d take you for granted. I don’t want to lose you. Even if things would’ve turned out great, there’s a chance it wouldn’t have.”
JiHo’s eyes looked from Taeyong and Mark who had been standing at the door to Haechan. The former 2 quickly headed back inside to give the two some privacy.
“Why would you say that? I know you would’ve been great.”
JiHo’s tears hadn’t stopped falling, earning a sad smile from Haechan. He reached out for her face, which he held in between his two hands, and pulled her closer until their foreheads were touching.
“I know that’s what you think, and I promise you I wouldn’t be a bad boyfriend on purpose. I’m just a very greedy lover when it comes to you,” he smiled with tears flowing over and around his lips. “I know how hard it has been for you to get even to this point, for us to be able to touch you like this, hold you like this, without you freezing up or pulling away.” He let out a soft giggle that JiHo couldn’t return in her confused state.
“I love you, JiHo, so I need you to trust me that what I’m telling you is the right thing. There will be someone out there that will satisfy your every need. Someone like Hen—”
“Is this what this is about?” JiHo tried to pull away from Haechan. His hands dropped to rest on her shoulders as she took a step back. “Don’t bring Hendery up in this, I don’t want to talk about that—”
Haechan laughed softly again before bringing JiHo back to him. “I’m sorry, I won’t bring him up. I promise you this isn’t about him either. I just want you to know that you deserve someone to love you without having to go through all the shit we’ve been through. You deserve someone who’ll treat you like you’re the most amazing, best person in the world.”
“You wouldn’t?”
“No… I will.” His right thumb moved to wipe away the tears underneath JiHo’s left eye—barely getting all of them. With a whisper he pulled JiHo closer, “I’ll treat you like that even if we aren’t together.” And he placed a kiss on her forehead, pulling her into his embrace and swaying his and her body from side to side.
“Like I already should have.”
---
masterlists: main masterlist || jiho.writings masterlist
❀ Having to spend her birthday alone, Jiho doesn't expect much of it, but suddenly someone comes along and promises to make her biggest birthday wish will one day come true OR the official start of Johnny and Jiho's friendship
“Happy birthday to me,” the girl sang. She was crouching in the corner of an empty room with two long birthday candles in her hands. “Happy birthday to me.” She pressed her eyes close as if she was preparing to make her wish already. “Happy birthday dear Jiho.
“Happy birthday to… pathetic me.”
Forgetting to make a wish, Jiho opened her eyes and blew out the candles. She set them down and wiped off the melted candle wax which accidentally burned her whilst she was holding the candles. It was dark in the room now that the candles were blown out, but Jiho still had enough vision to make out the tiny cupcake she had gotten from the bakery earlier on her way back from school.
The baker she had gotten in from had given her a sad smile when she handed her the cupcake. The old lady had asked her who’s birthday it was—since Jiho asked for candles she knew it must have been someone’s birthday—Jiho had answered with a simple “mine” before handing the lady the money she owed. At first, the baker wanted to refuse the girl’s money, but instead she handed her a cookie and called it a birthday present. It was the first and only present she had gotten that day.
“Hey, Lim Jiho,” she started talking to herself. “No need to feel sorry for yourself, you should be happy with your cupcake and free cookie.”
Taking a bite she quickly frowned at the overly sweet pastry and sighed once more. “Ahh… the cakes mémé makes are so much more tasty.” Pushing herself up from the floor, Jiho started collecting her things to leave, but as she fully stood up, a tall dark shadow engulfed her.
A little scared by the sudden presence, Jiho took a step back before looking up to find a friendly face smiling down at her. “W—What are you doing here?”
The tall person chuckled, finding the flustered state of the girl rather adorable. “I saw you here all alone and— I’m Johnny by the way. A friend of Doyoung.”
Jiho nodded. “I know who you are.”
“It’s your birthday? Are you celebrating it alone?” Jiho nodded once again in response. “Don’t you want to celebrate with friends?”
Jiho stuttered rather awkwardly. “I don’t really have any friends,” she confessed sheepishly. “But, it’s fine. Since my parents couldn’t come, I think I would rather celebrate alone.”
Johnny nodded, trying his hardest to hide the sad smile on his lips. “Hmm, I understand. Did you at least get a present? Or make a wish? I saw you blow out those candles.”
“You saw?” Jiho’s eyes widened, afraid that Johnny might have also heard her sing for herself. She would be so embarrassed if he did.
“Yes, but don’t worry no one else saw you. So did you make a wish?” Jiho shook her head from side to side. “Is there anything you want to have?”
Jiho thought about it for a while before answering, “once I’m old enough I want to get a car.”
“A car?”
“Yes, in my neighbourhood I learned to drive a car and a tractor. They said I was pretty good at it, but once I’m old enough I want to learn to drive properly immediately and buy a car!”
Johnny chuckled once Jiho started to sound less guarded and more freely excited. “You want to buy one, or get one as a present?”
“Well my dad doesn’t actually want me to drive at all. He thinks it’s too dangerous so he said I won’t be allowed to buy my own car. So I must wish that one day I’ll get a car as a present. But now… I forgot to wish for it this time.”
Johnny put a hand on Jiho’s head, patting her head adoringly. He noticed, though, that JiHo flinched a little at the sudden touch, so he quickly pulled his hand back. “Don’t worry, if you ever need a ride you can always ask me to drive you around,” Johnny offered.
“Really? You can drive?” Jiho’s eyes had widened twice in size causing Johnny to chuckle as he nodded.
“And once I get my own car and you have your licence and drive safely, I’ll allow you to use mine.”
“Really?” JiHo repeated and this time Johnny couldn’t stop himself from laughing out loud at her excitement.
“Yes, really,” he assured. “Now you should probably head to your dorm, it’s getting late.”
Jiho nodded as she grabbed all her stuff. She was already heading out the room when she remembered something and stopped in her tracks. She turned around and pulled something out of the small paper bag she was holding. It took a few seconds for Johnny to make out what it was since the lights in the room were still off, but when he did a smile broke out on his face. “Here, this is for you.”
“Thank you.” Johnny took the cookie from Jiho’s hands. “Are you sure you don’t want to keep it to yourself?”
With a shake of Jiho’s head she answered, “it’s for you. It’s a token of your promise to let me use your car once I get my licence.”
With a playful smile Jiho ran out of the room, leaving Johnny speechless. “Wow…” Johnny chuckled to himself once he came back to his senses. “You really are an interesting character Jiho.”
---
masterlists: main masterlist || jiho.writings masterlist
❀ It's odd how things end up going sometimes. As people grow their views change, their hearts start to ache for different things, they grow curious.... It's only when JiHo acts upon her new curiosity that she learns what the world has in store for her.
JiHo had never been this confused before; about anything really. To the point she deemed these thoughts and feelings she’d been pondering over as pathetic. They were so out of the ordinary for what was normal to her. Her heart ached more and more as those thoughts populated her mind.
She’d blame her members for it as well—especially Jaehyun. If it weren’t for his stupid drama JiHo started watching—initially to support her friend but slowly she grew invested in the plot, in the characters, even the romance.
It’s almost impossible, since the thought of kissing someone would make her want to throw up, but now… She was curious.
And after thinking about it for a little she wanted to throw up again.
An amused scoff sounded from the left side of JiHo and she turned around to find her manager smirking at her. With a mouth full of chips JiHo tried to utter a “what?” whilst detaining the crumbs of her snack inside her mouth.
“This is the second time you’ve watched this drama,” Sihyun laughed at the younger girl. “I thought you hated romance shows?”
JiHo just glared at the older woman, deciding it was better to ignore her than to indulge in her teasing. Besides, the idol didn’t want to correct her and admit this was actually the 3rd time she was watching Jaehyun’s drama after watching another overly-sappy drama earlier that night.
“Whatever.” Sihyun took a step closer to the girl, propping her arms on the back of the couch JiHo was sitting on. She reached over JiHo’s shoulder to grab some chips out of the bowl. “Since you’re interested in stuff like this now, let me give you some advice.” JiHo perked up after hearing those words, giving all her attention to her roommate now. “Stuff like that”—she pointed at the TV screen—”it’s all fake. Real romance doesn’t look like that. So, don’t get your hopes up. Hmm? Real life might have some big plot twists as well, but usually those don’t go the way you plan them to go.”
With that, Sihyun hoisted herself up straight again and with a pat on JiHo’s shoulder, she turned and left to her room.
A pout had made its way on JiHo’s lips unknowingly as the girl thought deeply about Sihyun’s words. Ultimately, she shook her head as to shake away her thoughts before her eyes zeroed back in on the screen before her. “Don’t get your hopes up,” JiHo scoffed at herself, repeating Sihyun’s words. “What’s she even talking about?” JiHo laughed before shoving another handful of chips in her mouth.
“Haechan!” JiHo’s smile sounded through her voice an almost uncanny amount once she spotted said boy walk through the practise room.
The room was pretty busy—more so than usual—which is probably why no one had heard her. All the members and staff were occupied with their own thing which is why no one as much as turned their head towards the chipper girl.
JiHo sighed, removing the excited grin off her face and replaced it with a soft smile as she neared Haechan. “Hey, Haechanie?” she sang to get his attention. Her smile pretty much faded completely as Haechan only hummed in response and bent down to grab his bottle of water. “You good?”
When the boy stood up he gave her a simple nod before urging her to continue speaking with an almost empty look. It caused JiHo to be a little taken aback, but she quickly brushed it off. Haechan had been pretty busy preparing for the upcoming events in the following months, he must’ve been tired.
“So I’ve been thinking of starting an Instagram account,” JiHo beamed before she fished her phone out of her pocket. “Would you maybe help choose a good profile picture? Or—”
“I’m sorry, JiHo.” Haechan pushed himself off the wall he was leaning against. “I’m a bit too tired for that now,” he said before walking to one of the couches in the room.
Annoyed? Hurt? JiHo wasn’t quite sure what she felt. She could understand that Haechan was tired, he had double the workload she had, but something felt off nonetheless. Haechan along with some other members was a big supporter of JiHo starting her own Instagram account. He had urged her to make one the day he made his own. So, naturally, JiHo thought that the boy would show interest the minute she mentioned it, but alas. Haechan didn’t even bat an eyelash at her plan.
“JiHo!” Doyoung motioned the girl over when he noticed her standing alone, looking somewhat lost. He had actually seen the interaction between the two youngest 127 members and felt something off about it. Knowing JiHo, he was sure she was getting in her head about the odd encounter and decided to call her over to take her mind off of it. “What are you doing?”
JiHo’s face lit up in a sheepish grin the second she got closer to him. She eyed both Doyoung and Mark, who was sitting next to him, with an excited glint in her eyes. “Do you guys want to help me with something?”
Doyoung laughed seeing JiHo this playful; a childlike amount of playful. Mark had only just noticed the girl’s presence, but upon seeing her expression as well as hearing Doyoung laugh he agreed to help JiHo with curiosity flooding his thoughts.
The girl sat herself down between the two boys before pulling out her phone. “I have been thinking about starting an Instagram account and I need you to help pick a profile picture.”
“Really? I thought you didn’t want to have an account,” Mark recalled.
She hummed affirmatively in response, “I’m still thinking about it, but when I was with WayV yesterday they were helping me brainstorm about account names and which my first picture would be.”
Doyoung gasped dramatically before placing his hand on his heart. His face started to contort in a painful expression which caused the two younger friends to look at him a little concerned. “Hyung! Are you okay?”
“No Mark, I think he’s just acting,” JiHo whispered. “But not doing a great job at that.” The quip earned her a slap on her wrist from Doyoung and a barely suppressed giggle from Mark.
“Ya! I’m just offended you went to WayV to talk you into getting an Instagram account while I’ve been telling you to make one for over a year now!”
JiHo shrugged her shoulders with a fake smile before turning her attention back to her phone. “Now help me choose.”
The three members alternated between giggling and then full-on laughing whilst they scrolled down the youngest’s photo library earning the attention from the other boys.
“What are you guys doing?” Taeyong asked, walking towards the three. “Seems like you’re having a lot of fun.”
“Hmm,” Doyoung agreed, before pointing at something on JiHo’s phone causing them all to laugh again. “But, you’re not allowed to know!” Doyoung childishly teased the leader.
Quickly the two started to bicker, which surprised nobody. Mark and JiHo went from looking at the two members fighting to sharing a look causing the both to break out in big grins. “We’re not getting hyung’s attention back anytime soon,” Mark said. “Let’s get back to choosing your photo instead.”
Jaehyun on the other side of the couch let out a deep chuckle as he watched Mark and JiHo unconsciously move closer to each other. “Cute aren’t they.” Just as he turned to look at Haechan, the boy quickly focused his attention back on his phone, acting as if he didn’t just get caught staring at the two members on the other side of the couch. A smirk formed on the older one’s lips as he leaned into the 00 liner. “Maybe if you didn’t give JiHo the cold shoulder you’d be sitting there instead of Mark.”
Haechan’s eyes widened for a split second before he regained his composure. He gave Jaehyun a small nonchalant shrug before he said, “I told her I was too tired.”
“Hmm, whatever you say.”
“I really am.” Haechan completely faced Jaehyun as he defended himself in a hushed tone. “I’m glad they’re having fun doing”—JiHo’s loud giggle caught his attention—”whatever they are doing…”
Jaehyun gave the younger one a quick pat on his thigh. “Sure, buddy. I just think that whatever you are doing and God knows what it is you’re doing, is really dumb and you should just go talk to JiHo—” Haechan looked at him with a shocked expression, ready to defend himself again, but Jaehyun shut him up quickly. “But I won’t pry, since this isn’t any of my business. So, do as you please, but don’t hurt JiHo’s feelings. You know how much it hurt you when she ignored you… Think about it.”
As Haechan’s eyes once again laid upon JiHo and Mark, seeming to have the time of their lives, he gulped painfully. It was like he was taking Jaehyun’s words in to digest. He didn’t have the time to do so, however, because that same moment their dance teacher walked in and called everyone over to start practise.
“You’re an actual idiot!” Haechan pulled the door shut behind him as he escaped the chaos that was his Dream members in the other room. He took a deep breath before turning around, but almost jumped out of his skin as he noticed someone’s figure not even a metre away from him.
“What was that all about?” JiHo was peering at the now closed door with curiosity filling her eyes, ignoring Haechan heaving from the way her sudden presence scared him.
“JiHo, you scared me,” he was finally able to say once he caught his breath. Turning back to the door, Haechan didn’t know quite what to tell her. “You know, just the members being—”
“Nevermind, now that you’re here. I’m actually here for you.”
“For me?” JiHo nodded firmly. “Look JiHo, I don’t have much time at—”
JiHo rolled her eyes and grabbed ahold of Haechan’s wrist. “I promise this will be quick, Haechan. And I promise I won’t bother you with choosing a profile picture for my Insta,” she chuckled, but something was off.
JiHo seemed uncharacteristically nervous for some reason. Haechan couldn’t help but notice the way her bottom lip seemed a bit “worse for wear” from her biting at it and grazing her teeth against the skin. She hid it well behind a soft smile, but still, Haechan just knew something was up.
Without any more resistance, Haechan let JiHo pull him to a small empty vocal practice room. The room was tiny, only being able to fit a desk and two chairs. JiHo propped herself up on the table, patting the spot next to her for Haechan to sit.
“So uhm, I don’t really know how to do this but…”
Suddenly an uncomfortable feeling overtook his whole body. The way JiHo’s voice dropped into a whisper and her hand playing with the hole in her jeans made Haechan feel uncomfortable.
“JiHo, you don't have—”
“No!” she suddenly yelled, causing both Haechan and herself to jump a little. “I mean, I don’t want to wait to say this.” She looked at Haechan, who kept himself quiet by pressing his lips together. “I’ve never done this. I don’t want to sound stuck up, but usually it’s someone else telling me this,” she chuckled nervously. “I don’t quite understand the way I feel about this, but I know this is something I want to explore instead of being scared of it.”
Haechan nodded his head softly, no longer looking at the girl. He had some kind of clue of what JiHo meant, but in his mind he thought he might be mistaken.
“I know at one point you told me you liked me… Or maybe not to me… Or not directly! Or well maybe when you were drunk—” Haechan softly coughed. “Oh, yeah, I’m sorry,” she smiled sheepishly. “Maybe you’ve brainwashed me”—she laughed—”but I’ve been thinking about it a lot. And I really want to try this.”
The two looked at each other with wide eyes—even Jiho was surprised she had said what she just said. “And with this I mean a relationship, because I think… I think I really like you as well…”
JiHo bit her lip nervously. She didn’t want to admit it, but Haechan’s silence was scaring her a little. It was very possible that Haechan had to process what was going on, but at the same time JiHo had a feeling Haechan already knew what she was going to tell him before she even started talking.
She continued to watch him, deciding not to push him for a reaction, but soon enough Haechan casted his eyes on his shoes, now avoiding eye contact with the girl.
“I’m sorry.”
A gasp she failed to contain left JiHo’s lips as soon as she heard the words she didn’t expect to hear. “No, it’s fine.” She quickly regained her composure, responding to him with a smile. “You know I can’t force you,” she chuckled, trying to lighten the mood, but Haechan couldn’t reciprocate a smile from himself. “I just thought since last month you came to my apartment that night—”
“And I shouldn’t have,” Haechan told her quickly, perching himself up on the table. “You know, I was really tired then and—”
JiHo seemed to laugh genuinely at his words. “Haechan, it’s fine, you don’t have to explain yourself.”
“I just want you to know that my feelings during that fight with Ma— during that time, I never lied to you, even though I was still figuring things out.” Haechan couldn’t even feel any relief when JiHo nodded at him understandingly. “But I can’t say the same anymore,” he carefully told her.
JiHo smiled again with a firm nod. “I’m happy you’re honest. It’s better if you reject me now then us starting to date and things not working out.”
The word ‘reject’ falling from JiHo’s lips so easily, as if rejection wasn’t one of the hardest feelings to deal with, made Haechan’s heart ache. “Again, I’m sorry.”
“Please don’t be,” JiHo chuckled while showing him a sad frown. “Although this kinda panned out differently from what I expected, I’m somewhat relieved. Usually in dramas rejection is all tears and screaming and stuff like that, so I’m kinda glad this is how it went. I think you made me realise that relationships really aren’t for me,” she said, causing another sting in Haechan’s chest. “Thanks for being honest. Let’s move on from this now, hmm?”
Haechan couldn’t help but nod at JiHo’s words which made her beam brightly at the boy.
“I’m sorry for putting this on you, so don’t feel bad. Otherwise I will feel even worse,” JiHo told him in a firm hug.
Carefully Haechan placed his arms around JiHo’s waist, his thumb softly caressing her side—his touch so soft Haechan was almost certain JiHo couldn’t even feel it. “Let’s both not feel sorry for each other.”
JiHo agreed happily when both idols pulled away from the hug. It was quiet for a few moments, and the boy didn’t want it to become awkward, so he spoke up again. “And for Instagram? Do you still need help choosing a picture?”
The girl jumped up from her spot on the desk, shaking her head with a happy grin. “I’m not doing it. The Instagram account. I just don’t feel like doing it anymore,” JiHo explained before she looked at the time on her phone. “Oh, you have practise right? You should probably head back, I’ve kept you for too long.”
Haechan nodded in agreement before saying a quiet goodbye as JiHo started to leave the room. “And don’t go telling them it was me! I don’t need to get in trouble now,” she laughed while waving at him and closing the door behind her.
The walls and floor seemed to move as JiHo sped her way down the hallway to the elevators. Her tear-filled eyes caused her vision to be slightly impared with how fuzzy it made everything look, but she held them in until she stepped into a luckily empty elevator.
As soon as the doors closed behind her, hot tears ran down her cheeks, but they weren’t even accompanied with a sob or any laboured breathing. She just stood there, looking at her reflection on the mirrored wall as the tears flooded down her cheeks continuously.
Whether it was the realisation, the denial or the acceptance of the rejection causing her unusual reaction or a mixture of all three wasn’t clear to her. But whilst her heart felt heavy from the conflicting emotions, her mind felt cleared up of all uncertainty she had carried with her for the last few weeks.
“And again, you are an actual idiot,” Renjun told Haechan with a roll of his eyes. The pink haired boy could only groan as he threw his head back against the couch. “You know I have so much to say about this, but actually—”
“I’m glad you rejected her,” Jaemin’s voice cut through, voicing the same opinion Renjun held. Haechan’s eyes opened wide at the words, confusion painting his brows into a frown. “With how easy it seems for you to play with JiHo’s feelings, I’m glad you rejected her instead of messing around with her.”
Jaemin had turned around to gather his stuff, but a loud scoff followed by the sound of Haechan jumping up to his feet caused the same-aged friend to turn back. “Is that what you think of me? I’ve never played—”
“It’s not what I think, I’m just stating facts. You tell her you like her one day, ignore her the other day, be super clingy the next. And I’m not saying this to hurt your feelings, Haechan. I know you care about JiHo and I also think you’d be better as friends. This would’ve been JiHo’s first relationship and I know for sure if you had taken control things would have turned out messy.”
“So what are you trying to get at?” Haechan questioned, moving forward towards Jaemin. “Are you happy I rejected her or not?”
Jaemin pressed his lips into a tight smile and took a step forward as well. “I admit saying ‘happy’ might be a bit harsh, but yes I’m happy you rejected JiHo. I— we all are just annoyed you lied to JiHo.”
“About…?”
“Being ‘honest’? Don’t make me laugh, Haechan.”
---
masterlists: main masterlist || jiho.writings masterlist
cw: none || era: September 2022, NEO CITY: THE LINK in Manila
❀ Jaehyun catches the start of a disaster waiting to happen
Something was different in the air tonight. Tensions were high, dopamine and adrenaline rushing through one's veins. The air was hot and thick. Sweat was dripping down the strands of hair blocking the view of what seemed like a million tiny green lights.
Jaehyun felt like he was hyper focused and moving on autopilot at the same time. He sang and danced with a feeling of excitement he hadn’t felt in a while. The tips of his fingers tingled with nerves that didn’t seem to die down. It felt almost impossible to breathe as it felt like his sanity was hanging on by a simple thread.
No, literally, a thread.
The group was midway through one of their songs. One where the dance was a little more aggressive and energetic. He had just finished his part and was standing a little ways behind JiHo. His eyes zeroed in on one of the straps of her crop-top. The strap had started to fray. It didn’t look as bad only a few seconds earlier—before his part—indicating how quickly the article of clothing was giving up on her.
Trying not to worry about it too much—since JiHo didn’t seem to notice it—Jaehyun decided to focus on the performance more. He couldn’t help but let his eyes dart back every few seconds to check on the strap’s condition, though. It only seemed to get worse.
The song seemed to go on for an eternity once he had noticed the disaster waiting to happen. It felt like even more sweat was gathering at his brow and the tingling of his fingers started to travel up his arms.
Jaehyun tried to signal JiHo about it, but JiHo was too busy focusing on the performance—she seemed to have the time of her life.
Everything about JiHo being blissfully unaware changed in a matter of seconds however.
Jaehyun had just taken a step back, again behind JiHo, when he saw the last thread of one of the straps give up completely. The second strap followed quickly behind and Jaehyun thought he could see all the individual threads rip in slow motion.
In a flash, Jaehyun had reached out for JiHo. His sweaty palm reached for her waist, pulling her back and around towards him. His other hand found purpose higher on her back, keeping the rest of her top in place. His eyes were filled with fear as he kept her close to make sure she was completely covered.
When he pulled her to him, JiHo had let her hand mic drop in the process, garnering the attention of the other members who were taken aback by the unexpected image in front of them. The fans—although also confused—ate up the scene, cheering loudly and making sure to catch the happening on video and taking pictures of it.
JiHo stood frozen in her place, still not aware of the reason for Jaehyun’s actions. He pulled out one of her in-ears and lowered his microphone. “The straps of your top came undone.”
A chuckle left her lips as she mirrored Jaehyun’s action and pulled one of his in-ears out. “I’m not naked underneath this, you know.” Her tone was clearly playful and a smirk settled on her lips, but Jaehyun was still too dazed to take note of that. The fans who had a visual on JiHo, however, were completely losing their minds as the visual was a little more suggestive than they were ever prepared for. “I’ll go off stage and get it fixed,” she told him before pulling away from her friend.
Jaehyun was careful in letting her pull away to make sure she’d be able to be completely covered, but when he saw JiHo’s top, he quickly shrugged off his jacket and pulled it over her shoulders.
Just before their next song could start, JiHo returned to the stage in a new top—this one looking way more secure—and explained the situation to both the fans and her clueless members. “It’s all fine, just a little mishap,” JiHo said and the crowd started yelling again. “Thanks for Jaehyun oppa for helping me though.” This time the smirk from earlier reappeared on her face expecting the loud response from the fans.
“AAAH Jaehyun!” Yuta sang loudly in a teasing manner when he noticed the bright red ears of his younger friend.
“Such a gentleman,” Johnny added and the others began to quickly pile on the teasing comments.
“Okay!” Jaehyun pushed away from his friends. “So our next song…”
JiHo smiled widely at how embarrassed Jaehyun had become, but as soon as they moved to their starting formations for the next song she made sure to make eye contact with the boy and mouth a genuine “thank you” at him.
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masterlists: main masterlist || jiho.writings masterlist
