The first box was made of cypress and, along with the pope's body, contained bags of gold, silver, and copper coins. The cypress symbolizes humility – you know, of the guy who’s being buried in 3 caskets as a part of a multi-million dollar funeral.
By: Jim Underdown
Published: Jan 11, 2023
Ask the Atheist
Is it true the late pope was buried in multiple caskets?
R. Tarsi,
Egg Harbor, WI
No one who’s ever been to – or even seen pictures of – the Vatican should be shocked that former Pope, Benedict XVI, was buried in three (that’s right three) different coffins. St. Peter’s Basilica, with its gold accoutrements, bronze columns and doors, and priceless art is the very definition of excess, so why chintz on the pope’s funeral? Vows of poverty be damned!
[ Inside St. Peter’s ]
Jesus (had he ever lived) would have been appalled at the garishness of it all, I’m sure.
When I first heard about the triple coffins, I was incredulous. What? They’re going to chop this guy up and spread him around?! Holey moley! What kind of messed up ancient ritual is this? Are they punishing the guy for resigning before the Grim Reaper could get him? Is he finally going to get his just due for being in the Hitler Youth in the 1940s?
[ List of popes in St. Peter’s ]
I grew up Catholic for a bit and have heard plenty of their wacky ideas over the years – transubstantiation, limbo, the trinity, to name a few – but hacking a guy up seemed extreme even for the Catholic Church. They must be splitting the body up to send it on tour to raise money was one of my early thoughts.
Then I read that the coffins would be nested inside each other like those Russian Matryoshka dolls – which is a bit less gruesome but still excessive. Ok, that does make more sense… than dismemberment.
Here’s how it went.
The first box was made of cypress and, along with the pope’s body, contained bags of gold, silver, and copper coins. The cypress symbolizes humility – you know, of the guy who’s being buried in 3 caskets as a part of a multi-million dollar funeral.
I’m not making this up.
The second box was made of lead and had a skull and crossbones carved into. Ok, that’s actually kind of cool. But lead? The guy who carved the decorations into the lead will no doubt soon follow the pope to the pearly gates… or at least have some cognitive issues. I’d bet Superman sleeps in a similar sarcophagus – probably with his “S” logo on it instead of the skull and crossbones.
The third box was made of elm which evidently represents dignity, and housed the other two caskets. To reinforce the humility theme from box #1, the elm coffin was sealed with gold nails, which any carpenter – even Jesus – would tell you won’t do jack to hold it shut. Gold has terrible tensile, compressive, and yield strengths compared to a common steel nail. Not to mention they’re expensive as hell…
Each of the coffins was sealed with wax and wrapped with silk ropes. Surely the wax will keep grave robbers from all those coins. Again… tensile strength people! Are there no engineers on the Vatican payroll?
If they actually told us about the 3-casket extravaganza, what are they not telling us?
I wonder…
Was he buried in three pairs of underwear under his robes – one Jockey™, one Mormon, and one Orthodox Jewish – just hedge his bets to get into heaven? Those ought to help him get through the pearly gates, though St. Peter will ask him about the Hitler Youth thing. And God is very detail-oriented, you know.
Did each of his hands have 3 pinky rings on it – all perhaps donated by guilt-ridden Mafiosi over the years?
How many of the 135 Swiss Guards will it take to carry that heavy-ass triple load down to the catacombs?
I also wonder if the money bags made it all the way to the tomb. I sorta hope one of the workers palmed the coins before that casket got sealed up. Seems like a waste to bury perfectly good money with a guy dressed in silk and ruby slippers.
==
Queen Elizabeth II’s coffin was far less obscenely ostentatious. And the UK is actually real. For a former CEO of a corporation selling imaginary treatments for imaginary diseases, and imaginary travel to imaginary destinations...?
