22.01.2018
I just want somewhere to let my thoughts roll off of my fingertips. Last year was a year that woke me the fuck up. I had experienced two of my most difficult situations, but they have done nothing short of transform my awareness of the world around me. I have a true, intimate relationship with the fact of death and dying. I understand I am going to die, as are every single one of my family members and friends. No longer am I afraid of death itself, but the uncertainty of not feeling accomplished or making the most of my life in the time I am here with the next day not promised to me.
As my days continue and my consciousness grows wider, I am finding myself happier with my over active mind. All of my life I have found myself trying to silence my thoughts and fit in with the world around me; I was trying to fit into the wrong puzzle. I do belong, and I do not need to try and dumb down my insane imagination. My dreams should not scare me, but I should pay attention and value the fact my mind can wander and obtain such bazaar information. I don’t feel special necessarily, but I finally feel home in my own brain.
The “new year” has brought me the ability to cut out all the dangerous and harmful habits I had flooded my daily or weekly life with. There is nothing I want more than to wake up each morning and take care of my body... Take care of my mind and give it a safe and healthy place to live. My soul is finally beginning to take its true form of light and love. I have met somebody.... indescribable, really. They mirror me in all the ways I can’t see in mine. The glow of their being makes this world finally feel like home.
Although a few variables of my life are on hold at the moment, I am not going to dwell and swell my days with the negative aspects of the conditions. With all of the hardships and struggles, I will continue to use the pain as strength and reciprocate the energy into building an empire for myself of happiness and love. I hold the blessing of furthering my educations, slowly but surely, and I know that I am going to make the most of this semester. The next few months of this year I will be pushing myself as hard as I can in order to practice and study Art.
I can see my dreams finally unfolding... After all those days of pain and sorrow, the years of feeling like it wasn’t going to get better... It f i n a l l y has. The world is beautiful and I can see how it is in every aspect. I am a part of nature. I am ever changing. This universe I live in is finally giving me what I feel I deserve. As altruistic as I can, I will give back the love I am receiving. I can say I am finally happy. I finally feel home. I finally am not afraid to feel myself.
I can’t wait to see what the rest of the year holds, whether it be good or bad, I know I have the strength and the stability to take on any battles. I will never lose the war. From here on out I will be taking care of myself as intimately as I can, and taking care of the one I feel a genuine connection with. Here’s to a year of being clean, strong, and ready to finally LIVE, instead of just getting through.
Promising myself I will not be hard on myself. Promising I will go out into nature and see more of the world. Promising myself I will not have problems with harmful substances. Promising myself to go to more concerts and museums. Promising myself to be true to myself and the boy of my dreams. Promising I will spend more time meditating and practicing my spiritual beliefs. Promising I will make more art, and not be so hard on myself with creating. I promise to finally be ME and be happy with what I have.
Here’s to loving life, not just for what it is, but for what I am able to do with it.
