#jng

[notdio]

source (2017-2019)

[hyumjim]

had a dream about her last night, and one the night before i'm pretty sure. back to back. feels crazy. don't think i'm thinking about her anymore than usual. well i am now, but you know. chicken or the egg type of thing.

anyway recently in my dreams there is always some kind of reconciliation between us but i am uncomfortable the whole time because i know something is wrong. i know there's no way she is ever going to come back into my life and apologize for everything, or for anything at all, really. so i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop the whole time. i can't believe in the fantasy even as it plays itself out.

i guess subconsciously the fantasy is still there, even if i know it's impossible. i must want it equally as much as i don't believe in it. even if it were to happen, i couldn't accept it.

to be honest, i'm very angry. and i think that's part of why even in my dreams, when i'm supposedly getting what i have wanted for years, i'm unable to focus. i'm unable to feel joy.

there was a time when all i wanted was a genuine apology. it would have worked on me. one month after the wound. two months. one year. the longer you go without one, the less it matters.

i don't know if time heals all wounds. but it does something to them. i think maybe i am hardened now where i was vulnerable before. but i don't know if that means i have "healed." i still feel sad. if i let myself feel it. horribly dreadfully sad.

almost like my mind is testing me: what if I put her in front of you. what then. where's your resolve. will you melt.

but i try not to think of vulnerability as this bad thing. i don't want to hate my old self, just for thinking someone loved me when she said that she did. can't you be healed and still be vulnerable? can you even be loved if you're not vulnerable? you have to let somebody in. at some point.

and you have to accept maybe this might happen again. and then you have to make yourself believe, somehow, that it won't.

i don't know if i miss her anymore but i know i miss having a best friend.

[billybuttcheek]

Graves pentakill ^-^

[deneene27]

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[pretty-jen]

Rare photo of me smiling

[hyumjim]

Sometimes I’m just hit with the impact she had on my life and the fact that she’s gone forever and it’s like a jump scare. Like I was going through my data and stuff trying to clean up my storage and it divided up my text messages according to who they were with, and there was like 2 GB worth of messaging with her. Which makes sense, she was my best friend for 10 years and we texted every day. It’s just so sad when I look at it in numbers like that. The fact that she is at the top so far above anybody else including my family. I didn’t delete them because, I don’t know, I don’t want there to be no evidence that any of it existed. The idea that it’s so easily erasable makes me feel like I’m erasable too, somehow. I just have to believe that someday I will meet somebody who will surpass that number and who actually love me and who it will be worth loving back.

[hyumjim]

I would say she occupies minimal brain space for me these days especially compared to the past, but every now and then I need to cry about it. I don’t know. She fucked me up, man she really did.

[hyumjim]

Sorry but I can’t take it anymore I’m going to have to block this person or something even though I actually like their posts normally but this makes me feel like the most unloved fucked up person in the whole world and the thing is I know I’m not and there are many people who experience this. There are many people who have the devastating experience of having a friend for over 10 years who you think will never leave you and then you find out that actually they don’t like you that much they don’t value you and they don’t want you around.

So like what the fuck am I supposed to do now. I’m just supposed to believe that people love me. Maybe the things you are saying are a given for other people who are not me. But someone did in fact stay in my life for 10 years as my best friend and then physically harm me and never talk to me again. I don’t even feel confident saying she didn’t like me that much honestly because she did all of these things, all of these things that people will point to as evidence of liking you or loving you. She spoke to me on the phone every day. Every day of our lives for almost the entirety of 10 years even if we had nothing to say. That’s not something someone does if they don’t like you, right? But maybe they don’t like you as much as they like having you around because you’re convenient. And you don’t know better because why would you assume the worst possible thing, that your best and closest and sometimes only friend doesn’t love you. You assume your friend loves you because what else can you do. So I still don’t know. I still don’t know whether or not she loved me. I will never know because she will never speak to me again. This is the fucked up thing is I was willing to be friends again and she wasn’t. I was the only one who was hurt and I was the only one who cared. So yeah. As Toni Collette once said I can’t accept and I can’t forgive because nobody admits anything they’ve fucking done. Aaaaaa lol