Okay, I admit, I’m biased and I may have been rooting for the wrong pairing throughout this movie, but then it wasn’t that farfetched. Even their friends and family seem to agree.
John tried to remember not to run through the halls as he made his way back to the waiting area where he’d sat with Olivia just an hour ago. He found his leather jacket and book still sitting on the chair, barely stopping to scoop them up on his way down to the main doors. His car was where he left it, parked along the yellow curb, although now there was a yellow checkered penalty notice stuck to his windshield. He couldn’t be bothered as he turned his jacket over, digging out his keys from the pocket.
Unlocking the car and opening the boot, he laid down the folder Dr. Parks had given him. Tucked in the back of the boot two small bags lay on their sides, one pink and one blue, only half covered by the blanket he’d thrown over them. John took a deep breath as he reached out and set the pink bag right side up in front of him. He slowly removed the white tissue and then pulled out the small grey baby grow suit neatly folded on the bottom. He let the soft garment unravel in his hands as he read the scrawling description on the front. “Be worthy love, and love will come.” He closed his eyes tight and braced himself against the opening of the boot. Upon opening them he spots the top of the carseat he had installed just yesterday. He had spent weeks doing research, making sure to get the safest one he could. Now it sat useless. The more he stared at it the more panic began to build.
“You’re stalling. You don’t have time for this,” he berates himself. He takes another deep breath as he puts his leather jacket on then carefully folds the baby grow and puts it in his pocket. Without thinking, he grabs the 1st edition Little Women book just before he closes the boot and turns back toward the hospital entrance. The next several moments pass by in a blur. He has vague recollections of using his key fob to lock the car, he murmurs a thank you to the kind old woman who held the front door open for him, he apologizes to a janitor for bumping into him on the way down the hall. Before he realizes what’s happening, Dr. Park is leading him down a quiet hallway on the opposite end of Alex’s room. He’s stopped in front of a pale green door, his eyes drawn to the small discreet sign below the room number.
|The Starlight Suite|
“Mr. Helm?” Dr. Park places a hand on his shoulder, bringing him out of his stupor.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“I asked if you had any questions before we go inside.” She spoke softly.
“Ah. No. No I’m…”
“John?”
“Sorry. No. I’m ready.” He tears his eyes from the door to look at Dr. Park.
“Okay. Grace, our bereavement midwife, is inside. She’ll help you get settled and can connect you with any resources we talked about earlier.”
John nodded.
“I’m so sorry again.”
Dr. Parks opened the door before John had a chance to respond and he walks in automatically. It feels like someone has left the air conditioning on just a notch too high. To his left sits a plush couch and a small coffee table with a small assortment of tea light candles. On the far side, a small kitchenette and an open door that leads to a full bathroom. To his right, there’s a large queen sized bed with a wooden headboard made up with a patchwork quilt, The wall behind it painted like a watercolor picture, pale green and blue fade together like the ocean tide. On the other side of the bed sits a tufted rocking chair and a white cot, a small canopy drawn over one end so that he can’t quite see inside from where he stands. There’s a small tube running out of the back and there’s a quiet hum like the white noise of a portable air conditioner.
A woman he hadn’t noticed before walks around the bed, “Hello John. My name’s Grace. I’m so sorry for you loss.”
“Um. Hi.” He’s about to add nice to meet you when the absurdity of the phrase hits him. He quickly puts his copy of Little Women on the coffee table and wipes his hands on his trousers before reaching out to shake the midwife’s hand. She covers his hand with hers.
“I’m so sorry for your loss. If there’s anything I can get for you, anything at all, don’t hesitate to ask.”
“Thanks. Thank you. I uh, I don’t really know if there is anything. Not yet. I just,” he takes a deep breath, and his voice cracks “I just want to hold my daughter.” He pulls his hand back and scrubs his face. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be John.” Dr Parks says, “I have to go back to my office now, but I told Grace to page me if you need me, okay?”
“Yeah. Thank you. Sincerely.”
John shakes her hand as well before she makes her leave.
“Alright John. You’re in charge here. You can take all the time you’d like, there is absolutely no time limit here, no pressure.” Grace says.
“Her Mu-, my uh, well, Alex and Olivia don’t know I’m here. She didn’t want...” he stammers.
“That’s okay. Dr. Park said she’ll be resting for a while yet, so for now I don’t want you to think about anyone but yourself. You do what you need to do.”
He nods as he looks over again at the cot.
“Would you like me to stay with you? Or would you prefer some privacy?”
“She’s in there?”
“Yes.”
“And I can pick her up? I can hold her?”
“Of course. Dr. Parks said you brought an outfit?”
He nods, not looking away from the cot.
“You can dress her if you’d like. Just be gentle with her. If you need it, I can help.”
“I - I think I’d rather do this on my own.”
Grace walked around the back cot to stand next to the small blue generator. "Okay. If you’ll follow me, I’ll show you how this works and then I’ll give you some space.”
John hesitated before stepping any closer. He kept his eyes on Grace, not ready to peak into the wicker basket.
“This is what’s keeping the mat in the cot cold.” She explained as John came closer. “This cot lifts off the stand here if you want to move it onto the bed. The tubes reach if you place it on this side so you don’t have to move this part if you don’t want to. It’s set for 8 C right now. Every once in a while just give it a glance. If you see it’s gone higher than 12 or 13 C press the down arrow here and it will adjust.”
“Okay.” John still keeping his eyes diverted from the cot.
“You can take her out and cuddle her. Keep her bundled when you do. Every 10 minutes or so though lay her back in the cot. Give her 20 minutes or so to cool down. This is how her body will stay cool. When you dress her, do it here.”
Johns breath shuddered. “Okay.”
“Last thing. This,” she points to the ornate box placed on the bed side table, “is a memory box. There’s a few things inside for you to use if you’d like. An ink pad and cardstock for prints, a few clay imprints, a small kit to save a lock of hair. Nice thing to do between cuddles. Use any and all that you want. You’re free to take any photos with your phone, there are chargers in the nightstand, or we can have someone come in and take any you want.”
“Yeah, okay.” He understood the woman was just trying to do her job, but the longer he stood there listening to her, the faster his heart raced. She seemed to pick up on this and made her way around him to the door.
“If you need me for anything, use the phone by the bed.” She said as she paused by the door. “Just press zero. I’ll be right across the hall.”
“Thank you, Grace.”
She offered him one last warm smile before leaving the room and closing the door behind her.
Finally alone, John took a few deep breaths and slowly walked around to the front of the cot. He sunk to sit on the edge of the bed and pulled the cot closer. Swaddled in a pink and white hospital blanket was the smallest, most beautiful baby he’d ever seen. All of the panic he’d felt moments before, now faded away.
