#jon matteston

[oh-theatre]

Paul: The four hour simmer begins

Emma: Like emotionally, or are you making soup?

Paul:

Paul: Yes

[dragonfly-creative]

The Starkid House Episode 4

All right, Ladies, gentlemen and non-binary, folks, it's time for our next chapter of The Starkid House! *happy confetti* after we saw our beloved and crazy Team Jeff Blim during their lunch time, we will watch now a very different team trying to get to know each other with the great help of yours truly. Have fun! And remember that's the show is based on @im-gonna-liveforever‘s original idea! And that all rights reserved to Starkid Productions! And that English isn't my native language so some constructive criticism would be very helpful! One more thing, I am not going to include Black Friday characters until the musical is released by Starkid on Youtube. I hope you don’t mind!

Hermione Granger was alone.

She appeared in a weird, white, empty room and no one joined her. She listened attentively to the voice of the tv host with no interruptions, out of the wall came a single name tag, and she ate her lunch unaccompanied. She could no longer take the solitude.

"Come on, that Bonnie couldn't play the role of one more character? One. More. Character!" she cried in frustration, "Wizard God, even a dumb stupid idiot is better than these walls! And the only thing I got to read here is that useless list of characters! Which I've already memorized!"

Hermione started pacing around the room.

"Maybe it's all just a bad dream. Maybe if I quit, I will wake up."

She brought her middle finger close to her thumb, ready to snap and announce her leaving, but she hesitated. Even though the chances of the prize to be real were slim, Hermione couldn't bring herself to give up on getting it. Her heart's desire could come true.

"But what is my heart desire?" Hermione asked herself quietly.

To be beautiful and popular, a voice inside her said.

"To be beautiful and popular?" she repeated, then sighed. She thought she was past it, but no matter how much character development she had been through, she still got back to this point.

"I want to be beautiful and popular…" she murmured.

"It is time," the voice said, then paused, then continued: "to do an activity together! What's better than having fun with your new teammates?"

Hermione scowled.

"Sadly, some of you don't have teammates at all. But don't worry, you will not be alone this time! For my fun activity I will unite all the one-person-teams into one: Team of loners!" the voice cheered, "Just open the door and you will find the thrill of together! Yay!"

A rain of colourful confetti fell out of the ceiling and decorated the floor, the lunch table and Hermione's hair. She took out of her hair as much confetti as she could and went to open the wooden door that appeared in one of the walls. She entered a white room, much like the room she just left, but bigger, and more importantly- more crowded. Eight more people entered the room right after her: Harry Potter, The candy lady from Hogwarts Express Train, A blond girl named Luna Lovegood, Another girl, named Vanessa, a 30-years old man named Paul Mathews, a silver skinned creature-alien-robot named Chorn, a cavewoman named Tiblyn and a great big, muscly, super big, super-hot Neanderthal named Clark.

"Now, for our activity," the voice said, "Board and card games!"

A shelf full of games came out of one wall.

“let the games begin!” the voice announced.

Harry Potter walked over to Hermione with confused smile on his face. “Herman? Why are you five years old?”

Herione rolled her eyes. “Actually, I am twelve years old, Harry. Our age gap doesn’t surprise me, because I realized it was going to happen as soon as I saw the list of characters. You see, my character was taken from a musical about our second year at Hogwarts, and your character was taken from a musical about our senior year at Hogwarts, a year I haven’t reach yet.”

“I don’t get it,” Harry said, “Why are we from different musicals?”

“It’s a trilogy, Harry,” Hermione explained impatiently, “Your actor appeared in all three parts but mine only in two of them.”

“That makes no sense, Hermione,” Harry said, still confused, “you were in senior year too.”

“It was another actress then,” Hermione replied, “Another Hermione.”

“Another Hermione?” Harry repeated, shocked, “You say there are two Hermiones in this house?”

“Chill, Harry,” Luna joined the conversation, “This is not very strange. Imagine there were two Lunas. That could be something to freak out over!”

“Hey, guys,” Vanessa called out, “As much as your discussion is fascinating, we’re still supposed to play games. We wouldn’t want Miss Starkid Show to give us bad points, right?”

Harry Potter went to check out the games.

"Monopoly? Uno? Four in a Row? How old does she think we are, six?" he scoffed.

"Let's play Cards Against Humanity," Chorn suggested.

"you know this game?" Paul asked, surprised.

"Chorn knows everything about humanity," Tiblyn explained and raised her hands toward the ceiling for some reason.

Clark frowned.

"Wait, what cards are? How can they destroy humanity?" he asked.

"No, it's just a game, let me teach you," Chorn said and touched Clark's forehead gently.

Tiblyn took a small, black box from the shelf. “Cards Against Humanity: Starkid version,” she read, “While The black cards remain the same, the white cards now have Starkid quotes and references written on them.”

“Yeah, but what are those black and white cards anyway?” Hermione asked.

“Don’t worry, I’ll teach you,” Chorn said and touched Hermione’s, Luna’s, Harry’s, Vanessa’s and Candy Lady’s foreheads.

Everyone set down in a circle.

Tiblyn opened the box and placed in the center of the circle the two stacks of cards: black and white. Each one of the group members drew ten white cards.

Hermione looked at her own cards. She got 

I have a very low blood sugar

 Something incredible, like a fiend Fyre Fighter or a magical astronaut or a ballerina!

 Buddies, bros, homies, amigos, pizza, Nintendo, wooo wooo wooo, let's go!

Paul and them

You're a fucking elf! 

Kill kill kill kill kill

Telling the kids not to bother mommy while mommy is busy

Someone who is auditioning for Jabba even though they have no experience

Snake… I'm a ssssnake… Where did my arms and feet go? Just kidding I'm a sssnake 

I would shrink myself to the size of a mouse. I'd leave the world of men behind me forever and live amongst the mice, And I would bring technology and art to those uncultured swine. And I would build tiny tools for their mouse hands, made from toothpicks and marshmallows, And I would be their king. Nay! Their prince!

Hermione frowned at the sentences. They didn't make sense on their own, let alone as answers to some random questions.

"All right, who was the last one to poop?" Tiblyn asked.

"I think it was me," Luna answered immediately, "I pooped right after the lunch. I really like the bathroom in here."

Seeing that no one argued with her, she took the top card from the black stack. "When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a fifty feet statue to commemorate," she read.

After a short consideration, Hermione picked a card and passed it, face down, to Luna. The rest of the players did the same. As soon as Luna got eight cards, she picked them up and read them out loud, combined with the sentence on the black card:

"When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a fifty feet statue to commemorate The Old Snatch. Is it, like, a giant statue of an old lady? It's not very funny, no offense."

"Non taken," replied Candy Lady.

"Next one," Luna continued: "When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a fifty feet statue to commemorate Something incredible, like a fiend Fire Fighter or a magical astronaut or a ballerina!" Luna giggled. "I would love to see a great ballerina sculpture," she said.

Hermione gave a small smile. It was her card.

"When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a fifty feet statue to commemorate A giant Warheads candy," Luna read.

Chorn snorted.

"Ron would love that one, he loves candies," Harry said and Hermione nodded in agreement.

"When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a fifty feet statue to commemorate Noodles," Luna read.

Chorn and Tiblyn bursted into laughter.

"What are noodles?" Clark asked and they laughed harder. The others smiled or giggled, except for Hermione. "Noodles are a type of food, made mostly of wheat and water and extruded into long strips or strings," she explained.

"Hey, Hermione, are you trying to earn house points?" Harry teased.

"No, I am just telling Clark what Noodles are instead of making fun of him," Hermione said, offended.

"But no one can understand your explanations, Hermione," Luna said, "Let me tell you what Noodles are, Clark: They are like long, dead, delicious worms. We often eat them in a bowl of tasty hot water."

Everyone in the room stared at her.

"Oh, I get it," said Clark.

"I Think I will never be able to eat noodles ever ever again," said Vanessa.

"Ok, let's continue!" Luna said cheerfully, "When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a fifty feet statue to commemorate Tiger Fucker"

"What the fuck?" Paul commented.

"That could be the ugliest statue in the world," Vanessa added.

"Or the most beautiful one," Harry suggested.

"No," Hermione replied and gave Harry a scornful look.

"When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a fifty feet statue to commemorate the story of how Krypto the super dog ran off on superman," Luna said, "good one."

"It's more sad then funny," Vanessa said.

Clark seemed confused, but Hermione didn't explain this time. She didn't want Harry to laugh at her again.

"When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a fifty feet statue to commemorate These Mike's Hard Lemonade that I can't seem to get rid of" Luna read the next one.

She, Harry, Tiblyn and Paul chuckled.

"I suppose there is no point in asking what Hard Lemonade is?" Clark said.

"They are supposed to be some kind of tasty water, but people hate them," Tiblyn explained.

"And here's the last answer, A surprise phone-call from Barack Obama," Luna finished, "What do you say?"

"I like this one," Vanessa said.

"Me too," Chorn said.

"Me too!" Tiblyn said.

Clark seemed lost. "Does a phone call have anything to do with tasty water?" he asked.

"Choose the tiger fucker," Harry advised.

"No, I am going for the one with Krypto the super dog," Luna answered.

"Yes!" Tiblyn shouted and raised her hands.

"Congratulations, Tiblyn, you got the first point!" Luna said happily, "Who wants to take a black card next?"

"I think we should go counterclockwise," Hermione answered.

"So, it's my turn," Chorn said and drew the next black card.

"What turned me into a Republican?" was the question, and the answers were:

The sneers and the glares of my cousin, my uncle and my aunt

I have a very low blood sugar

Evil King Arthur

Wizard God

Getting by newborn bugs

Damn that G.L.E.E, they're always making twisted abominations of everything!

Schwoopsie!

I'm sorry. I fell asleep because that was so boring.

Chorn chose Luna's card, Wizard God, even though only the Very Potter Characters laughed at it. The idea of Wizard God amused Chorn a lot, apparently.

And the game went on with laughter, some awkward silence, disgusted noises, bad combinations, good combinations and some gems like " Son, take it from someone who's been around the block a few times. Nothin' puts her in the mood like Being petrified", "You know who else liked Umbridge's twisted humor? Hitler.", " What is George W. Bush thinking about right now? Peanuts, the pocket squirrel", and Hermione's personal favorite: "It's finally happening! I'm finally doing it! Yes! It's time for Falling in love with Hermione Granger!"

Tiblyn won the game.

Author note: The reason I was late with this chapter is that my hyper-focusing ass made the whole damn Starkid Version of Cards Against Humanity, so if you want to play it too just ask and I'll send you all 376 Starkid quotes and references I picked to make the white cards (Yes, 376. I wish I was joking). It can be played with the original black cards.

[oh-theatre]

Sycamore High: First Day (Chapter 1)

A/N: I know this chapter is bad and short but its the first one so enjoy! (This is the high school/tgwdlm AU)

summary: Paul and his classmates receive some shocking news on the first day of school  

words: 792

warnings: Cursing

Ao3 link

“Gonna be late, gonna be late” Paul rushed through his closet, grabbing the first thing he put his hands on. He quickly pulled the shirt over his head, it smelled of sweat. He pulled his sheets over the bed and grabbed his bag. He rushed his hand through his hair and made his way into the hallway. He heard screaming coming from the room next to his, he rolled his eyes and made his way past. 

“God why?!” A shrill voice cut across the hallway “He's such a-”

“Language!” Paul joked outside the door. He heard an annoyed groan from inside and a few moments later his sister made her way into the hallway. Paul gave her a quick smile before running downstairs into the kitchen. Paul set his stuff on the counter and sighed sitting down. He looked up to find his mom cooking what smelled like salty heaven. She smiled down at him handing him a plate of fresh eggs, he gave her a grateful look and started chowing down. She laughed.

“God, could you be any grosser?” A voice approached from behind. Pauls mom laughed before receiving a quick kiss on the cheek from his sister. “Mom, don’t forget I have debate afterschool” She reminded

“Nerd” Paul muttered, his mother sighed and gave him a look. 

“Paul” She said annoyed, clearing up the kitchen

“Asshole” His sister retorted. Paul glared at her, as she stuck out her tongue. 

“Alice Matthews!” They all stared before bursting with laughter. “Alright, come on, let's get you two to the car. Can't be late on your first day” Their mother ushered them out of the door and into the car. Alice placed her self in the front passenger seat and began talker her mom's ear off about school. Paul listened for a while before putting in his earphones and listening to music. The car ride was nice but Paul couldn't shake his nerves. He felt his phone buzz in his hands and turned it over to reveal a message. He gave himself a small laugh looking at the nicknames. 

SB: Hey loser, you almost here?

FU: Yeah.. pulling up now

He grabbed his things, said goodbye to his mom and made his way into school Alice by his side. She nudged him quick good luck before making her way to senior hall. Paul made his to sophomore, to be greeted by his best friend Ted, waiting by their locker. He pushed Ted aside and opened his locker. Shoving his things into what free space was left. His nose scrunched at the reeking odor coming from the locker. He slowly turned to face Ted who stood with an all-knowing smile.  Paul gave him an annoyed glare and he simply laughed.

“Happy First Day” He giggled. Paul groaned knowing the locker was going to smell like that for the rest of the year. He shut the locker and opened his agenda, he felt a finger push the agenda to create a flat view of it.

“What's your first class?” Ted asked. Paul checked and showed Ted who looked over it. He watched Teds face fall disappointed.  

“Musical Theatre? What are you a nerd?” Ted shoved his agenda back into Pauls' hands. Paul took a double-take and looked down at his schedule. He rubbed his temples looking through his classes.

“You have Musical Theatre first too?” A shy voice piped up behind Paul. He smiled turning to face Bill. His soft excitement layed perfectly on his face. Pauls friend stared expectantly for an answer, Paul shook his head and showed his schedule. Bill looked it over for a quick second before showing Paul his own. Ted added his own to the mix, each took a moment to look over each others. 

“Looks like we all have the same classes… well mostly” Bill informed. Paul and Ted agreed hearing the first bell ring throughout the school. Paul said his quick goodbye to Ted before Bill grabbed his arm and made their way to the auditorium. They took their seats upfront and playfully talked back and forth before the teacher cleared his throat. They turned their focus to him.

“Good Morning class” The class mumbled a ‘good morning’ back. “Before we begin, every first-period class is to be informed that-” He cleared his throat before pulling a crumpled paper out of his pocket and read “Hatchetfield High has unfortunately gone through an incident over the summer that has made it uninhabitable for students and lessons” There was a mumble of confusion and anxiousness throughout the seats.

“What does that mean?” A student perked up. The teacher looked at the student and back at his paper.

“It means that Sycamore High and Hatchetfield High will be merging” He finished.