Giving my life away piece by piece
Last night I decided to go to Large Group. Or rather, I decided to actually go in. I haven't been feeling the motivation to go in for some reason. I'm not really sure why. I just wanted to isolate myself from everybody.
For me, one of the problems that I have is that I tend to isolate myself from others and as a result, I tend not to tell people the problems that I'm facing. Eventually those issues start to consume me until it affects everything I do. I've been reaching this point for a while and I've actually told a few friends what the issue was. But it wasn't until last night that I feel like I took a step towards resolution.
I told my co-leader for LaFe, Paloma about what was my issue. I initially didn't want to because Paloma is close to the situation so it felt a bit awkward but I'm glad that I did. Paloma gave me really good advice. It made me rethink the whole situation. I hadn't thought of looking at my emotional attachments through a spiritual lens. Paloma prayed with me and then we went to Large Group.
I stayed outside but then I decided to go in because Anna was speaking. She talked about how after Peter denied Jesus, Jesus asked if Peter loved him. Basically, Jesus redeemed Peter's failure. Throughout this whole time, I had this overwhelming urge to go pray. So I went outside. While there, I told God that I was ready to give everything up to him including my relationships which is an area I'm weak in. I felt like God was asking if I truly knew the cost. What if nobody ever came? Or what if it took years? Or what if I had to go through more emotional pain? I told God that I would put it in His hands no matter what that might mean. Afterward, I got to talk to Jonny who prayed with me and reminded me that Jesus was a single man who focused on doing God's will. He also told me how our culture glorifies relationships but there are some things that a wife can't give you but that God can. It felt really good to hear that from him.
I don't expect these emotional issues to go away overnight but it's a relief to be able to place it in God's hands and have Him take control. I know it will still be a struggle but it's by God's grace that we get through the storm. And no matter what happens with this issue, i know that God will be in control of it.