#joshlog

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[Josh]

So, out of curiosity - I’ve certainly heard that it’s common for systems to grow significantly after realizing they’re plural, but how common is it for systems to grow significantly long after? That is to say - we’ve been kind of the opposite. When we realized we were plural we stayed the same for years, and our growth in numbers has been... well, generally quite gradual. Until recently that is, and it seems to be “getting faster” if you want to call it that.

A rough timeline, to illustrate that: there were two of us from the beginning until about 2016, which saw one new of us; then in 2017, perhaps two? Three? 2018 maybe one of us showed up, but in 2019 we got 3 more and in 2020 another 3. And 2021 saw another, and quite a few ‘questioned’, and we’ve had another already this year.

Hmm, maybe that’s not so fast after all. It just feels like it’s been faster. I’m just curious about how that matches with others’ experiences if at all. Thoughts?

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[Josh] Hmm. Do you ever look back at what you’ve written online and you get a sense of how people probably interpret your personality and it makes you want to stand directly underneath a power washer that obliterates you and washes you down the drain? I realize that every 2 posts I make on social media are “oh dear fucking god I’m being perceived”, but oh dear fucking god I’m being perceived

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>our ex was constantly doing shit that presumed things about the fictives in our system in ways that made them feel like they had to be “canon compliant”

>post-ex Josh felt weird and conflicted about things all the time and really struggled to understand his gender and felt weird all the time

>try a new form of communication

>Josh is fronting

>why does it feel like Josh is trying to front . Despite fronting already

OH.

THERE ARE TWO OF THEM.

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[Lio] Me: sees this post

Me: lol, same

Josh: am I the blonde guy in question

(A mental image of text and arrows appear above Josh that say “Barely even blonde” and “Barely even a guy”)

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[Lio] Josh is so funny we will be cute and gay in headspace and then he fronts and he’s like wow I have depression. You don’t have to front if it makes you sad !!!

[Josh] I’m always depressed. Being in front just makes it obvious. But your concern is cute.

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[Josh] I’m not a man but I’m not not a man. I’m not transfem nonbinary but I’m not not transfem nonbinary. The fem part has nothing to do with being female and everything to do with being seen as an effeminate little freak. My sexuality is transgender and my gender is homosexual fag in every way you might interpret that. I’m a gay man and I’m a wife. If it confuses you? You’re getting it.

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[Lio] System momence from today

-we went to a bar where women eat for free, the gimmick is that if you’re a woman who goes there you have to talk to any men who come while you’re there (who are paying for the food). We.. well we don’t really pass as a woman at all anymore even trying to, but the staff let us in and let us eat off the free menu probably because we were a weird androgynous foreigner who came in with two clearly fem-presenting people. But Meis was enjoying it she really liked the concept and even though I was just like “fuck yeah I’ll do anything for free food” she was like “we should come back here when we have a better outfit.... I want to come back”

-went to a different bar and Goro got annoyed very quickly at people trying to teach him how to play pool

-Josh was hanging out in cofront the whole time on account of the booze

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Hunter: (standing around awkwardly in the main room)

Josh: Hm. You look like you stepped out of a VHS tape.

Hunter: I don’t know what that is. (Accesses memory) Oh. Well I’m not old enough for that :/

Josh: (grimacing)