#journal 2014

[lacedletters]

So I've been hanging out with an old friend again

Reconnected, after about 2 or 4 years. He is the loveliest dude, and I understand now, that he just has a really good sense of priorities, and allocation of effort; discernment. But mostly that that the reason for our distance was a destructive relationship he was in. Now, he is the lovely, happy, chirpy, sharp-witted (in a pleasant way) guy that I remember and admired from when we first met. We both have this active, attentive passion for music. It is soo cool! Of course both playing instruments too (he is a master-professional compared to me though. And also not compared to me, but in general). Also he's a chef so we gna have dinner next week. And I work in the wine industry so I'm gna have to bring the wine lol (hopefully I make a good match!) The coolest thing is probably that we've got to that stage where we've established a reasonably comfortable friendship. You know when you first meet someone really cool and amazing, there is that curiosity between you of romanticism? Well it it didn't work between. All too soon. All riddled with complications, but also the simple implications of being teenagers trying to figure out who we are. Anyway, what I really wanted to write about, is this super-fond memory I have, of during these times. I'll post it in a new post now though, so that it's relevant on its own

[squeezylemons]

I've been thinking a little bit recently (always dangerous haHA) about my family. Not just my immediate family, but the lot of 'em. The whole clan is a lot more dysfunctional than I used to think. Obviously as a child you don't notice things and people don't tell you jack about current drama, but I used to tell people how normal and sane my family were all the time. I thought I was the odd one out, with the emotional problems and the artistic pipe dreams, I was the the vaguely insane, depressive, bad egg type. I still think like that occasionally in my down periods, partly because I liked to think of myself as special and different, as most people do, even if it's in a bad way.

But now, especially after an painfully in-depth look at my childhood with my mother, I see that my various issues are very common in my family. Alcoholism, depression, suicide attempts, anxiety, panic attacks, bipolar syndrome, stunted emotional development, compulsions are all things that have gone on in my family (not all in me, thank fuck). And I think that's true of all families, actually, that mental health problems are so, so much more common than we're told they are, and they're mostly ignored in favour of pretending things are fine. A product of English culture, I suppose. Things are changing a little bit, what with my cousin's alcoholism actually being talked about and not ignored, and my mum and I talking properly about why I am the way I am. Families are really hard and complicated and there's no way around it. I wouldn't change much though.

[ruvaginamonoblogs-blog]

I can't believe its over. Rehearsals are done with and the curtain has fallen. I am happy that I got to be a part of it, but sad that all good things must come to an end. The Vagina Monologues at RU 2014 was one of the best experiences I've had, and I won't forget a minute of it. All the laughs, all the moments...I wouldn't trade it for the world. The best part? Getting to work with six of the funniest, best, most caring women ever to hit Virgina. I am going to miss this, and can't wait to see what other great things these Vaginas go on to do.

Courtney, one of our lovely Vaginas.

[ruvaginamonoblogs-blog]

And, just like that, it's done.

I am so honored to have been part of this amazing cast of wonderful women. I can't believe this journey has come to a close, but I am so glad I was a part of it. I have learned so much and met amazing ladies. This show continues to touch my heart, and it will always be a part of me. I hope that I was a part of changing someone's life. If even just one single person walked out of that theatre with a different perspective on women's rights, how to treat women, or realized that "vagina" is not a dirty word, then I feel like I did what I was there to do. Spreading awareness is so incredibly important, and The Vagina Monologues is such a beautiful way to do it.

Tonight, I have put my "Princess Pussy" sash on my bookshelf as a wonderful display. It also will serve as a memory of the stellar times I had with five of the most amazing, accepting, beautiful women I've ever worked with.

Thank you all for being alongside of me through this journey. I hope I'll see you all next year!

Love, hugs, and so many kisses,

Brenna. <3

[ruvaginamonoblogs-blog]

We've had great shows thus far! Thanks to everyone who has come out to see it! I (Brenna) took some pictures tonight of all us gals getting ready before the show, and I plan on posting them tomorrow!

Thank you all for your support! GO VAGINAS!!

[ruvaginamonoblogs-blog]

Final Dress is TONIGHT!

Got those butterflies flying around in my tummy already!

[uncrowd]

i wore a sheer top today without realizing it

it was clearly sheer. i was at my uni reunion lunch where all that came was this set of people who has always been this set of people. not much of a reunion. against my bad feeling about it, i went and exactly as i anticipated, it was not only discouraging but the first thing that i was being welcomed with, "sis you came alone?" "yes, why? can i not?" "no. hahahaha" it is hilarious. i mean seriously. therefore, there i was single, 4 years older among almost all but one and i mingle in conversations, listening attentively, and occasionally people keep asking me about my work. like its a mystery. like being a daughter of a businessman is. like working a family business in a wide range of things, plus working with a company as well as being a board director for a cooperation is an alien job. well, i left me being a board director part out. i left many things about my job out, for many reasons. but particularly to these people, i just don't want to share that part of my life with them. and so, they remain clueless, confused on what else to ask about me. instead, they went on talking about lack of sex life, birth control and difficulty to conceive. i get it, they are all young parents. as amazing as they are, so are everyone else. i don't know how i managed to have such diverse set of mentalities when it comes to friends. but this one is by far the oddest one i still trying to keep alive. why is that you ask, frankly i'm in the dark too. rewinding back, the reason they were friends was that they were young, free and full of heart. now they are young and full of heart exclusively for their own. i'm obviously on the border of being judgmental. setting them in compartments is not fair at all. but i wore a sheer top today without realizing it and at the end of the day, i was the one left embarrassed. after this reunion, i went to see one of newest and closest friend, then to my oldest friend's house to see his niece, which have the same name as my niece. it's a two world apart and now i am here writing. i am by far the one ended up being torn apart in different directions. i am a 10 of me when it comes to my job and family. and i am also a 10 of me being with friends. God is the only one that knows the 1 true me. Only God. And sometimes i wish there is another human being that can see me as 1 too. i really do.

[uncrowd]

i want to be happy for it but i can't

i've spent years thinking yet every day combining all these thinking equals to absolutely nothingness. zero. my soul is spent. wisely? i thought so. i hoped that it did and yet here i am in this cloud of misery trying to shield myself from someone else's shining light. i am being blinded by someone else's happiness as i am speaking now. incredibly annoying, incredibly heavy and an immense dark spot is hitting me right in my chest. i never felt so much unhappiness for someone else's happiness. never when my ex got married. never when my crushes got married. never when my oldest best friend got married. and yet here is a friend who i barely knew, traveled with, she became my newest good friend and yet day by day i find her incredibly fake. it's like she's lurking behind this good intentions and matched it with clueless attitude as an excuse to bigger herself. this type of person is dangerous. i find myself puzzled with myself and this sense of hatred, uneasiness, insincerity. it felt like i had choked myself with so much water, being poured down while i was sleeping and left me awaken in the last minute, having living in a nightmare for so damn long. maybe this is an over exaggeration. but i don't feel it so. and my head hurts trying to think my way out of this bad feeling. my heart hurts so bad. i want to clear my heart. i want to scratch her out of my life for good. but no, my friend keeps calling, pretend to share tiny details as if sharing that means she cares for the little me. i don't give a fuck anymore. what i want is for you to be happy, to be gone and leave me be. i don't need your fake in my life anymore. seriously, goodbye.