#journal 2024

[futurewriter2000]

12th August 2024

Adoration

I look at people with adoration. I look at them and I see- see beyond the physical exterior. It's impossible to word it but when you pay attention to the smallest of details; what somebody says or does not say, the quiet, oversaught gestures they make and how their eyes react to actions, words or movements, you see.

People tell me that my eyes are special. They always mention that my eyes smile at them- that is adoration- and that means that in that specific moment, I love you. It is then, your choice… your choice to make whether you want me to love you more, love you continuosly and further, to love you infinitely- like the world revolves around us. I will give you love, I will love (such a short yet strong word) when you are in the depths of hell or the hights of heaven- I will stand by you, protect you, take care of you and your soul. I will make you see the light in every corner, I will pull you on your feet when your knees are giving in… I love unconditionally but it all starts simply with adoration. I look at you with my eyes- smiling eyes because I realise at that moment how important you are to me, how gorgeous your soul is, how bright your future is. I look at you with my dark eyes and I decide that you are worth it.

Then you make a decision- YOU DO- whether you want to explore my love or not and you make it by loving me back. You make that decision by being by my side, by asking me simplest of questions- oh yes… I am not that needy or complicated. I am humble, therefore, I do not need much to survive, neither to show my love but I do need something. Not breadcrumbs, not one word, I need you to want me. For you to want me for me, not for my love- to need me not only when you are going through the depths of hell, but to want me by your side when you are in the hights of heaven. To hug me tightly, not because I said so, but because you missed me, because you love me or adore me. Sincerety.

When you don't experience that type of love from me, it is simply because you are giving me nothing… nothing at all. I've been through family, friends and lovers that had taken my love for granted, so I never showed it much- see, they simply didn't deserve to see it.

I see… and people do not understand that. Sure, I bring joy and light but oh, if you only knew how much love I can bring when you come correctly. Like a movie, you are the character that makes the story greater or you disappear as fast as you came and you make no impact. If readers read the book, they would go »So stupid of them to leave, I wouldn't.« but so would they because nobody sticks long enough to see beyond the physical exterior.

If you think you know me, you had seen only a small piece of me. Why? Because I am there for you and I see more of you but when it comes to the other way around, there is simply nobody there for me and I process my pain, my hurt and thoughts in private. My love is so great that I will listen to you, be there for you and try to make you happy when I am in so much pain that I am barely breathing, and when you are there and don't notice that, you make more pain than anybody. To sit side by side, I look at you with adoration because I love you but you don't look twice at me to notice the pain inside me. I carry a wound, a deep wound- so do other people. I know I am not the only one but you have a wound I'd take care for in a minute and I have a wound that hasn't been taken care of for years. Nobody asked, nobody cared because I am simply a joy to be around. I hide parts of me, a big, large parts of me that make me myself. I hide them because nobody deserves to see them and one of those large parts of me is also the love I can give. To protect, care for, hold, lift you up when you are low. I will be your biggest supporter, your life-long partner in everything- not necessarily in romance- simply to go through life together.

When there is silence from me… then you will get nothing more but a fleeting moment of adoration. That one, small moment of love but you will miss out on all the love I can give. I know my worth, I know my love, I know my power, I am simply the best thing in your life and if you decide to reject that, to walk away from that… you are the one that is missing out and I give all that love to myself. So I glow and I fly into the hights of the Universe- because that is love. Love is what Universe gives me. It holds me up, it shows me it's there and it doesn't give me everything but it gives me enough when it's enough.

You simply do not know the life you are missing on when you decide to not be by my side… because in my life… there is nothing but magic.

[yellowsubiesdance]

got home from my last hangout of this trip home, and i’m feeling what i can only describe as mourning for the last night of this little trip. i got to spend so much time with people i love, and people i haven’t seen in a while who i also love. it’s gonna be so hard to drive back tomorrow. it’s so hard to be in a space that feels like a safety blanket, especially when it feels like i’ve been without one for so long. it’s not that i haven’t had one, but that it’s so much smaller in pittsburgh compared to here.

i know that all of this is all part of the growing pains of becoming an adult. i find myself longing deeply for the last fourteen years again. if given the chance to do it all again knowing what i know now, i absolutely would change so much about it. but at the same time, the trajectory of my life at this moment has put me in a beautiful spot. i can appreciate who i am at this moment in my life, and i want to keep working at what i’ve built.

i know that at the end of the day, i will be exactly where i’m supposed to be, and that everything will come together. i just so badly wish that i could see what was ahead of me, but unfortunately life doesn’t come with a walkthrough. i just have to carve my own path, make my own magic, and create my own dream life.

[yellowsubiesdance]

i can’t believe this day came and went so fast, it’s just so insane to me. it was the beginning of the month two days ago, and i was thinking how i couldn’t wait for this production to be over, and now we’ve closed and it’s all done, and i’m stuck wishing it would go on forever. these shows come and go, but i always forge such a wonderful family every time and it changes and adds to my life every time, and the thought of not being with these people every weekend causes me physical pain. it’s not the show itself, but the community that i end up mourning.

[yellowsubiesdance]

two minutes ago, it was june 2nd. now we’re almost halfway through the month

i’m not complaining, bc honestly i desperately want to get through the summer and get back to my schooling (good grief who AM i), but it’s crazy how quickly it’s all moving for me. i was JUST starting this production, and now we’ve finished our opening weekend, with two weekends left. and before i know it, i’ll be moving on from this cast and onto the next production, and then i’ll be job training on campus.

i’m feeling all over the place in terms of being grateful at having such a productive summer of getting to work on all these amazing projects, and eager to get through the rest of summer so i can continue working on my craft. given how much i learned in my one year of schooling, i’m eager to gain new skills and start applying them ASAP.

[yellowsubiesdance]

i smoked the last couple of nights and i can already see the way it’s affected the way i behave in the mornings

as fun as it is to be a stoner, it also does nothing for me beyond a fun night in. plus, it causes me to eat a bunch which i also don’t need.

i think i’m gonna have to give it up for the most part. i’ll save it for fun times, but honestly i like who i was when i wasn’t smoking this whole semester, and i don’t want to ruin my summer by being high every night. i also don’t want to ruin my voice, bc two nights of smoking is affecting my throat as well.

it’s time for me to grow up

[post-it-punk]

[yellowsubiesdance]

i didn’t do any of what i said i would do earlier. i ended up going to see my friends perform, and we went out to eat together and all got free chipotle. so clearly i lived a better life than the one i had in mind.

now i’m torn considering going to celebrate my friend’s birthday. i’m feeling pretty tired, but i’m also feeling a tad lonely, so i’m not sure which i want to do yet. i know i have to stop at my apartment and drop off the food i didn’t eat in the fridge, so i’ll make the decision then.

[teleconhaikus]

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say to any of this. I don't want to analyze the relationship or anything like that, it just feels really simple. I asked if you wanted to date me and you said you didn't know. I've spent almost a year trying my best to put your needs ahead of my own while you figure out if I'm who you want a future with and in the end, I'm not even a person you want a present with so why analyze why you don't want me or did but couldn't make it work? Love isn't that complicated, it's just effort you put in day in day out to make the other person happy as best you can.