A/N: Damn, it's been too long since I posted a fic but here I am. I have been writing this probably for 6 months, getting involved with life and stuff but I'm kind of back. Kind of.
Check the first parts on my masterlist <3
XX
In a world, where your youth should be spent living your best life, you were tended to mop the floor in a bar. Your days being treated as a lady of a good, now gone in a single blink of an eye. You were a working girl, not that you minded, you loved to work but sometimes the little glimpses of prestige and elegance called your name like a moth to a flame. You knew you were made for something more than to mop the floor, yet this was as much as a freedom as it was prison. Your father was a fair man, that was why everybody loved him. Fair and might. Those who didn't love him, feared him and you? You were quite the opposite. It wasn't the fact that you hated that world- it was just... that you saw more to life than that. You saw more than just magic, you simply fell in love with normalcy. It seemed simple, calm... and you simply enjoyed that. Of course, everybody gets homesick but there was more value in what you created with your bare hands than what people told you what was for you.
You sat on the corner of the cafe. The moon started to wane and you lit your cigarette and looked out. It burned your throat, probably your tenth by now, if not more. You only had two more left and you sighed in desperation. You sat back on the chair, one leg crossed and your eyes on the street.
Yes, you definetly loved this.
"Miss Perfect smoking a cigarette?" you saw the familiar blue eyes appear from the shadows, following a dark clothed figure. "What's next? A gun under that blouse?" he pulled up a chair and sat in front of you.
You smirked. "Life's tough, what can I say?" you said as your finger tapped the bud and spark of ash flew from your face.
"It suits you." he said as he pulled out his black Sobranos and lit one himself.
"Excuse me, Mr. Elite over here with the Sobranos." you laughed and he huffed, grinning at you. "They're weak."
"They're stronger than yours."
"They're weak."
"Does your family know?"
"What do you think?"
"You're 21... I think you're old enough."
"They'd mock me till the rest of my life." you rolled your eyes. "I was always the annoying little brat who kept being smart about cigarettes and shit."
He laughed, looking away as he took another inhale of the cigarette.
You leaned back on your chair, your leg crossing the other and your hand leaning over the arm rest, flicking another spark of the ash over. You stared at him with a little smirk plastered on your face. "How are you and Regulus?"
"Fine."
"He doesn't look fine."
"Well, he's Regulus, when does he ever look fine?" he looked up at you, flicking his cigarette bud.
"Fair enough." you said, looking away. "How's the little Potter?"
Immediately, his face expression changed, lighting up at the mention of him. "He's James all the way... Lily's eyes though." he grinned even more. "And he's so small... like tiny."
"He's a baby."
"He's a really tiny baby- and Lily's always stressed, so he isn't eating a lot... you know... because of the breast milk."
"And James?"
"He mentioned the formula once and Lilly realesed all havock on him." he looked up, smiling. "Really, you should have seen him- white as a wall." he laughed.
You smiled but both failed to be quiet, the vision of the war falling into your sight. He lit another cigarette and looked at you through the flame. "How come you chose this life?" he said. "Dissapearing on us all."
You furrowed your eyebrows. "I didn't disappear." you said.
"You come back only for those fancy balls, disappear on the rallies, the battles..." he said and before you could say anything he cut you off, his voice stern. "You used to be all for justice back in Hogwarts and now you hide behind these Muggles, like you're one of them."
"I was a child in Hogwarts." you said firmly. "Those weren't serious situations and I don't hide from our world, I'm still part of it- I just want to explore some normalcy, some peace."
"There won't be peace if they win the war." he kept a flat expression. "This world would be erased and all the normalcy you wish you had- peace- gone. And you'd be just as dead as the rest of them."
You found struggle in finding words to speak but all you could say was: "I'm not hiding."
"Your whole family dead or enslaved."
"Stop. I'm not-"
"Alice and Frank are both incapacitated in St.Mungo's, did you know that?"
You fell back on your chair, your mouth agape. You wanted to say something but something cold washed over your body. Who is he to judge you for your decisions. Sirius Black, a man of bad decisions. You should be the one judging him, not the other way around. "That's sad." you simply said, inhaling another breath of smoke.
He simply stared, speechless. "I hate the way you changed."
"I love the way you changed." you replied back at him, staring at him. "You used to be such a bully."
He smiled to that. "I still can be one." he narrowed his eyes at you.
"Do you hate me because I chose to walk away?" you asked.
"Do you hate yourself for walking away?" he replied with a question.
"No." you replied. "The Wizarding World is too much for me. I can't handle it- I feel like when I decided to walk away, I could finally breathe." you looked from the distance back to him. "So much pressure, so many rules, so much expectations and yes, I used to be all for justice- as you say- but that child is exhausted from fighting. If we win or lose, I accept my fate and I just want to make the rest of my life as good as I could never make it back there."
"Do you practice magic at all?"
"No." you replied coldly. "I gave it all up."
He stared for a moment, his mouth agape just slightly as he could not fathom the idea of life without magic. For a moment you thought he would start to argue with you but he just dropped his shoulders and leaned back. "You don't miss it at all."
"I miss it sometimes." you said, thought for a moment before continuing. You turned your head to him, pressed the cigarette into the ashtray and clasped your hands together. "Last year of Hogwarts I couldn't think. Everything was chaotic- with the exams, with the war, with my father breathing behind my neck- God. I just lost myself for so long and now-" you paused. "- you may think I'm weak or hiding or anything but in reality, I am just putting myself first, without carrying the burdon of everybody elses's expectations."
"You really thought about that a lot didn't you?" he smiled.
"I didn't. It just came after in small waves."
"Well,..." he started but couldn't bring himself to say it out loud just yet. "I used to fancy you back in school." he looked away and you looked at him with wide eyes, laughing.
"No, you didn't." you laughed. "Stop teasing."
"No, I really did." he argued back.
"I was fat and pimply and my hair was everywhere."
"You weren't fat or pimply and I used to love your bushy hair."
"I had a unibrow."
"You didn't have a unibrow." he laughed out loud.
"You were the most popular kid in our house." you laughed. "You didn't even notice me."
"First of all, -" he let out a chuckle and leaned forward, his eyes focusin on you with a corner of his lips quirked up. "James was the popular one- being in Quidditch and all of that." he paused, watching me watch him with a mirrored expression. "I was just there and you really think I was popular after what happened in 6th year with my family - everybody looked at me either with pity or disgust." he said as he put his hands on top of yours . "And you- no matter what you looked like back then- you always had the brightest of smiles when you walked into the room, arguing with the proffessors and looking so lost in life."
You tried to avoid looking at your hands, feeling how warm his were in this cold weather. There was a silent, thick tension between the two of you before you moved your hands away and took a deep breath to cool yourself down.
His face dropped for a moment but the little disappointment that came with it, he still decided to reach for your hands, hold them in his and looking at you pleading. "Come back." he said softly. "We need you, (y/n)."
"Sirius- I." you stopped and looked away.
"(y/n)..." he sighed. "Just think about it."
"I don't know how I would be able to help."
"With your ferociosness." he smirked and you laughed.
I swear, I love haunting my ex. I’m not a petty person but I literally met the guy who’s his idol, I made a promotion video in my gym to which he goes to as well, my sister has classes in his workplace and her best friend works with him and they all hate him. Like I am everywhere and I am going to get his dream job- lmao. That’s how much he hurt me and my revenge plan is always coming true. And he just watches me do it.
Watch me breathe like I am suffocating. Watch me gasp for the air as my throat tightens from the sorrow.
Watch me.
Watch my dark eyes go deeper into the soulless black hole of emptiness- nothing on the other side. Watch me tread around the cave, looking for a sign of hope and light that I forced to dim. Watch my anger burn like the deepest circles of hell, watch it thrive on revenge, on burning thyself into burn marks of cigarettes. Watch it burn the lungs, the skin, the flesh, the sensation of feeling something and still nothing.
Watch me.
Watch me live the life I’m staring blankly in the face. The first step in the darkness is the very first you can’t see from the fog of his existence. Watch me suppress the scream of jealousy when everybody left me behind to live their life.
Watch me.
Watch me be left by the people I LOVE. Watch me hold onto red threads of connections, each tear by the weight of my sorrow. Watch me fall, crying into the hole I am thrown. Watch me love them, only to be pushed off a cliff- a thread never strong enough to hold me. Watch me fall apart from empty promises. Watch me be left behind- sitting in a dark corner, looking at the people, who promised to be there. Watch me watch them leave me behind.
Watch my mother laugh without me.
Watch my sister thrive alone.
Watch my friends build castles of love.
Watch them looking back at me and frown with pity as they see me being pulled into the tower with a person who created me. Watch them say meaningless words, intending to comfort you. Watch them do things they promised to do with you. Watch them tell you what to do because it’s so easy, isn’t it? Watch them tell you they can give you money- no!
Watch me spit on their money.
Watch me.
Watch my anger burn me with sensations of revenge. Watch my throat tighten, my eyes darken, watch me scorch the ground you walk upon! Watch me turn into the evil spirit, you created! Watch the snakes on my head turn you into stone! Watch me show you what I’m made of! The light you tore away, the hope you exploited for your own benefits! Oh- you just watch me kill your pride and everything I gave you- TORN AWAY! With the fall you shoved me in.
Watch me watch you leave me behind because I am no more the best version of myself- that person was nice- but this person- this person who is sad and begging you to pull me up, no… you have your life right now, peaceful, wonderful,… why bother it with someone who’s bound to fall? Just watch me watch you walk away when I beg for your hand.
But you bit the hand that fed you. So watch me give that back to you.
I hope my black Nissan Qashqai 2+ 2008 with a cracked trunk haunts anyone who did me wrong like my ex’s ugly gold Toyota haunted me before he sold it.
“I didn’t leave…” I rolled my eyes. “I just took some time off.”
“From what?”
“From you, from us, from everything.” I say with exhaustion. My whole body was simply limp, my brain fogged, my nervous system tired.
He stared at me with those blue eyes of his, said “You forgot about me?”
I looked at him, my eyes feeling heavy, my heart filled with love as my hand reached his cheek. “I think about you every day. Don’t think I’ll ever forget about you.” I smile but not as honestly I would want to but again, exhausted. So exhausted from loving somebody too much. Loving somebody shouldn’t be so hard but it is.
He leaned into my hand and pressed it harder on his cheek, moving it to his mouth and kissing the inner side of my palm. “I missed you.”
The words I know he means but mean nothing more to me than his empty promises. I simper and avert my eyes away. “I miss you.” i said. “I miss u every single day and it’s torture.”
I just walked away from my situationship who was also my guy best friend so you’re gonna have to hold my hand when I will be writing my breakdowns right here.
GUYS!!! Help me WIN AN IPHONE 17 by voting for my MCBRAID COME ON!!!
If you ever followed me, for anything- even my harry potter fanfics (check the masterlist on my profile if you want good fics from 16-21 yo me) THIS IS TIME TO COME TOGETHER AND HELP ME WIN!
And if you do I will start writing fanfiction again just for you i swear to my mother (and i love my mother to infinity and beyond)
And the burger is so cute come on - and all u gotta do is like it.
Tvoj burger lahko pristane na Mek meniju. Ustvari ga, sodeluj in osvoji hude nagrade – tudi iPhone 17.
I haven’t written much in the past 2 years but today i poured my heart and soul into writing and I just forgot the relief I feel after it. I forgot how much pressure my brain releases, how my thoughts calm down, how my body feels after the wave of thoughts is put somewhere. The truth, the shame, the darkest parts of you get into a few pages of scrambled words and the release is like an orgasm that makes you want to fall asleep right after.
I grew up with my a confrontational mom, who wasn’t afraid to speak her mind and a dad who avoided confrontation. They made me into a person who doesn’t like conflicts but will tell you a brutally honest truth without hesitation.
