#journal 26

[higgsarchive]

Journal #26

Who: Higgs When: Writing year unknown Where: Unknown

I didn't know how to feel after. I spent the night next to him, my mind a blank canvas. In the back of it a nagging voice saying I had to dispose of it. Daddy hadn't told me much, but he had told me about how bodies'd go necro, pop BTs and all that. Made for a good bedtime story. So I knew what would happen if I let him lie. Death'd come into our home and turn it into a crater.

His stink was starting to fill up the room. I had to deal with him, had to get him out. Get him as far away as possible. So I got my arms under his and dragged him out into a new world with a new sky.

Bigger. Emptier. Bare rock dotted with bushes, all around. Mountains, fucking mountains, off in the distance, chiral clouds hugging their peaks. My knees started getting wobbly, and the world began to spin, but I knew the clock was ticking. Eyes down. Gotta deal with Daddy.

I'd been moving at a steady clip when I saw it. Chiralium coming off Daddy, little motes of shimmering light. I was out of time. I laid him down in the dirt, but before I let go, I had a vision. My hands, still resting on his body, disappeared. Vaporized into fine mist— poof. And then I felt another presence. A BT, coming slow but sure, like it'd been walking since the beginning of time. Daddy's keeper.

That was the first one I sensed, but it wasn't the last. For a long while after, I remained awakened to their presence. A sixth sense— Daddy's parting gift to me. Over time, it'd fade. But I knew how I got it, and I knew how to get it back. All I needed was another body— and I got real good at making them. Death for life. Theirs for mine. A fair exchange.

Previous || END

[scorpipy99-blog]

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Everyone sleeps(Green) during the midterm(Silver+Purple) exams(Silver+Black).

[kvngxziz]

Journal #26

Its been forever and 3 days... Again. I'm sorry.  I mean, its not like y'all read these anyway, but  whatever.

I have a shitload to talk about tonight so get ready.

My friend is leaving for college today... He spent the night over my house on Tuesday and we hung out a good portion of the day yesterday... I won't be able to see him again until the holidays. I can't spend his birthday with him... I can't see him.  He can't come over. Its true what they say... You never really appreciate something until its gone.  Bryan is one of the greatest friends I've ever had. He still doesn't know about me and I had plenty of chances to tell him but I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I just felt so awkward about it.  Of all the people I've been able to tell so easily, I expected him to be one of the easiest.  I've known him for almost 8 years now.   That's half of my life! We've been friends half my life and I couldn't even bring myself to tell him one minuscule fact about myself that he may not have known.  That brings up another point. He may know already and just not give a damn, like most people.  I can't tell though... He's so chill and nonchalant about things that sometimes I can't even tell when he's being serious.  Its just the type of person he is, ya know? My cousin is leaving for college too... And next year I get to do the exact same thing to my friends and family.  So much leaving... So much time passing and I am so overwhelmed by the speed of it all.

I'm a fucking senior in high school.  My 8th grade promotion feels like it was yesterday.  The tears and smiles from that day still feel fresh in my mind. Sadness and Happiness mixed up in the parents and the students.  We loved each other.  And then we all ended up staying at the high school. Then I started getting close to Rodell...

I've never told you guys about him, really.  The feelings that I have for him transcend any connection I have ever made with another human being.  I know that even more now from the talk that we had the night before we left Harvard. And the following morning when he tackled me and said that we were now comrades... more than best friends.  And that was the first time I can think of him actually calling us besties... I say it all the time but I don't think I've ever heard him actually call me his bestie... In that moment I had wished that I could have just cried right there.  I was happy that he said that...  

During our talk I reminded him of back in ninth grade when I was trying to get to know him and he told me he wasn't that complicated a person.  He said that back then he wasn't.  But I mean, really, how complicated can a bunch of 14 year olds be? We all knew each other, we were all pretty together... I don't understand what happens to us in high school but we change... My change had to happen a little earlier because I was... in a tough position but it happened regardless.  So yeah, we talked about our complications.  He understand me... at least, I think he does.  He seems to at least.  First person who ever really has.  First person I've let get close enough to have.

Ya know, you can have a lot of friends and you even may talk to all of them and be close with all of them but there will always be that one friend who knows you better than all the others do. I don't know if I'm his in this case but he is mine.  He knows me probably more than all the others together.  He has learned all there is to know and probably more than he ever wanted or needed to know... And he accepts me for it.  He accepts me completely and totally.  I asked him one day if he had a problem with me being gay and he told me that he was slightly uncomfortable at first, which I can completely understand I was acting like a stupid, horny, 14 year old and always saying things to him and about him that made him uncomfortable... And I paid for it. But he said that he was completely okay with it now... That made me happy to.  It would suck to have a Comrade who didn't completely trust you, ya know.

I'm having that empty feeling a lot again.  Like there are time when I just don't care about anything.  Where I'm just there and I don't feel anything... And there are certain things in life that I don't care for.  I don't care to volunteer or to help people most of the time... Its not that I'm not sympathetic, ya know, its just that I can't force myself to want to help someone.  I just can't fool myself that way and honestly I don't want to.  If I have to trick myself into enjoying something, then it isn't worth wasting my time over.

My mother doesn't understand me. And I can't bring myself to tell her everything.  It would just be too awkward to sit across from her in her room and just tell her all the things that I want to.

Okay, on to things that aren't totally sad and depressing.

I have decided to keep my hair a certain length so that it is not too out of control but I can still play with it.  I miss my hair from the summer, to be honest.

Here comes the nerd in me.  I did my first Hard Mode Operation on Star Wars: The Old Republic.  Operations are missions that require 8 people that are level 50-55, the highest levels in the game.  I just recently got my Sith Juggernaut, Necrolai to level 50 and took him through his endgame.  Necrolai is specialized to be a tank but being a new level 50 and with the level cap just raised, there wasn't much gear I could obtain just by buying it or doing missions.  So my guildmaster got together 7 other guildies and we went and did an operation together.  I got 4 new armor pieces and one of my guildies made me a bunch of mods and a weapon to use. It was really fun doing that mission with them and I didn't die at all! It was great.  I was the baby Tank of the group so, I acted like a Damage player for most of the time but I got to level 52 and will be getting better and better.  I already have a second character at level 20 and a few other characters on the way to join Necrolai. 

Okay, enough nerd.

Okay, a little more:  I'm going to see City Of Bones tomorrow and I swear I will die in the movie theatre.  I will.  Y'all think I'm joking.  I love those books and I love the cast and I just...  can't even!

Okay, nerd/fangirl moment over.

I'm kinda ready to go back to school... Not for the work but just to see my friends in our usual setting.  I hope we'll have even more memorable times on the shuttles this year... I am going to be photographing my last year with the best people I've ever met... 

[ask-british-chris]

Journal 26

I went to the Lima Bean to try and work through it and I lost her.

We were honest and I lost her.

I've only got Trent and his family and my own now...I'm alone again.

[ask-joey]

Journal #26

I've got the best presents for him...I'm singing to him, he sings to me all the time but I've been working on this for a while. Of course it's a song from NSYNC, This I Promise you, but it fits the way I feel about him, especially lately after the whole Trent thing. He's gotten self-conscious and second guessing himself. It breaks my heart, this song it's gonna tell him that it's him I want.

As for the second part of his present, oh you know just two tickets for us to spend a week in Florida over spring break! My parents are in Florida a lot for conferences and stuff, it's cheaper to have a house there on the beach. So we'll be there for a week we'll probably hit up Disney and Universal, the beach. A whole week just for us, we can probably go to a club too. Did I mention it was on the beach?

This is going to be just an amazing weekend, we really need it. Sure we're back together, but we need to reconnect. We need some Sammy/Joey time, with no interruptions or distractions. It'll be good for us. I can't wait, just us together snuggling up by the fire. It's going to be perfect. God, I love him so much.

[sixfourseven-blog]

Journal 26

Wow, well this is.. kind of depressing... Even when I joined an online dating site I still can't seem to get a guy's attention. Well, an attractive guy at that. I have to admit, I am shallow when it comes to guys, but that's just because I know I can do better than them LOL.

Ugh I just made my self sound like a douchebag LOL.

But yeah, idk man. There's this function on the site where you can see who has glanced at your profile, and this person who I messaged looked at my profile but didn't send a message back.

Self-esteem, loooooooooow.