#journal entry 10

[stuckintmrw]

My heart so sad itll never go

bad. i love me just as much as

i love trees. we are earth as

well. sometimes it is just hard to tell.

[earthgangs]

journal prompt: in relationships I always find myself playing the role of _____.

The caretaker. I have previously been in a lot of unhealthy relationships so quite usually the dynamic in most of my relationships have been the same from my family, previous relationship partners, and friends. I often find myself bending over backwards to attempt to meet their needs while disregarding my own. With my ex’s in particular I sometimes ended up feeling like I’m some sort of parental figure.

I strongly disliked feeling as though I had to hold their hand and guide them. I wanted to be with someone I felt that I could also rely on and be secure with. Instead I ended up doing most of the relationship work and catering towards them. It would become exhausting and I would end up becoming detached from the relationship really quickly.

In my relationship now, it’s different in the sense that I don’t feel like I have to cater towards him or guide him. He has his own strong sense of self and independency, and there are times when he can rely on me but it’s not like how it was before when I was basically carrying my ex’s through the relationship. However, I still feel like I have to hide and disregard my own needs to keep the relationship alive. So I don’t know how I feel about that.

Towards others, I still feel this way. I’m not really friends with people anymore who become too dependent on me or frequent contact with me or overly depend on me for their mental health/wellbeing. It burns me out very quickly. But im still unfortunately stuck in this cycle with my parents. I have to constantly care for their emotional needs that they neglect and act as their therapist when I’m their child. I often disregard and minimize whatever I want in an attempt to less stress off of them for bills and such so I often don’t feel safe asking anything of them besides basic necessities because I know they will use it against me later and say I’m causing them stress.

[travellingczechia]

Journal Entry 10- 7/28/2017

Dvácet osm červenci, Budu psát dnesku protože myslím že víkendu nebudu mít volno. Včera jsem nestudovala, obědval jsme s moje kamaradku a potom nakupoval jsme na hudební obchodu. Poždejí, jsem jela na kickbox lekce a potom jsme jedla s moje tetu a muj strýche který býla na evropu a české budějovice za minulý měsicu. Moje teta ma moc krasné fotky Prahu, česke krumlove, a české budějovice. Měla jsem štěstí a fascinace vidět fotky muj budoucí město!

Dnesku pracuju, a taký sobotu a neděle budu pracovat. Zítru ráno chcí pojedu yoga lekci s moje kamarádki, a pak doufam že pojedeme vegetarianku trh. Po neděle, nebudu víc pracovat. Mám strach že budu ztratit hlavu kdýž nemužu pracovat!

What I said, according to Google Translate...

Twenty-eight July, I will write today because I do not think I will be out of the weekend. Yesterday I did not study, lunch with my friend and then shop in the music business. I went to kickbox lessons and then we ate with my aunt and my uncle who had been in Europe and the Czech Budejovice for the past month. My aunt has very beautiful photos of Prague, Czech Krumlov, and Czech Budejovice. I was lucky and fascinated to see the pictures of my future city!

I work today, and I will work on Saturdays and Sundays. Tomorrow morning I want to go to the yoga lesson with my friends, and then I hope to go to the vegetarian market. After Sunday, I will not work anymore. I'm afraid I'll lose my head when I can not work!

Words I had to look up:

budocí--- future (adj) 

po--- after

ztratit hlava--- the best translation I could find for “lose my mind” or “go stir-crazy”. (I get a little restless when I have nothing to do, so I’m a little nervous for this waiting period when I’m not working and all I can do is sit and wait for my visa!)

NOTE: “mit volno” is an expression which means “to have free time.” So the first sentence is trying to say, “I will write today because I think I will not have time this weekend.” 

[kinzelcomics]

Journal #10: Things I’ve Learned/Things to Steal

For the final journal, I thought I would try to have some fun, and follow a tutorial for how to draw a cartoon body! The tutorial I followed can be found here.

Here’s what my final result looked like:

I decided to go with fanart, because it’s a little more relaxing than drawing a totally new character from scratch. I ended up with Leo from Fire Emblem: Fates; one of my favorites, and the first that came to mind.

Following the tutorial felt odd, since it only became a true step-by-step in the end. It was helpful, though, as far as getting proportions for bodies down a little more solidly. I’d have to look at a few more resources before I became totally satisfied, especially when it comes to building clothes off of the body separately from drafting the skeleton for the body itself. And yes, I know I did conveniently hide the hands, but it’s in-character for him to stand that way.

All in all, a really helpful tutorial! It made the process of drawing the legs on the body feel a lot more natural. I do sort of wish that there were a few more step-by-step examples regarding different body types, since tutorials like this tend to focus on one or two distinct types but ignore many others.

[fuckaname]

Journal Entry 10

May 15, 2016

Trapped in a sea of words and emotions and I’m torn for my starter between ‘I feel so invisible’ ‘I can’t even breathe’ ‘my heart is so cold’ & ‘can anyone even see me?’

I try really hard to bond with my family. One of the biggest traits that I hate about myself is that no matter how big of a reason not to, or how many chances I give, I always forgive. I can hold a grudge for as long as a year but time eventually runs out and I hand out chances. My heart gets tired of all the anger so I seek out the people who hurt me. It’s as if I’m begging them to give me the apology. I make it so easy for them. Maybe the reason it takes so long is that I’m pathetically hopeful and I think “just one more day.. just one more day.. They’ll come around on their own.” And when they don’t, because they never do, I set it up for them. I make it so easy. Family, friends, boys, anyone who hurts me gets a free pass. I was bred to let others walk all over me.

This isn’t who I used to be. I used to be a hard sturdy rock filled with rage. I got tossed around too much though and all of the dirt that was protecting me was rubbed off and now I’m just a fragile breakable stone. Everything about me is raw. Everything is painful.

I’m used to being alone and minding myself but something about this year.. It’s become so overwhelming. I’m so desperate for someone that it’s to the point that I’m trying to mend ties with my family. Everyday I sit with my mom and beg for attention. Everyday I work at eliminating the obstacles and excuses she uses for not giving it to me. Even when there is virtually no reason and we’re the only one’s in the house though... Nothing. It’s so painful when all my siblings have to do is walk into the room and they’re flooded with it. I literally cry and beg for it but I still have to ask the same question 3 times, and even then, sometimes I get no answer. Tonight though, I discovered a really easy way to get it. 

I tried to sit on the chair next to her so we could talk and I didn’t see her leg resting on it. I accidentally sat on it so she smacked me. I wish someone would’ve told me earlier that’s all I had to do for her to give me a split second of acknowledgement.

[pawnthesj]

Someone once told me that I am always sad because I always draw the sky and the clouds. Now, I'm starting to believe him.

03 January 2016 11:11

[malcolmbuck]

6:49 PM August 27

Vela called me earlier, she suggested I lay low. I would go stay with her, but I don’t want to leave my house…

[cutandbledink]

27 June, Midnight?

The complete idiocy of the idea never occurred to me until I went to consult him.

Felix would have obviously spoken with honestly in hand and mind, so he was not the issue. No, it was the undeniable and obviously overlooked fact that Diane would be there that struck painfully against my soul.

How could I have forgotten this? They have been "similars" (read: friends?) long before I had ever seen them in my existence. I have yet to fully capture the reasons for my stupidity in the jar of understanding. They will likely forever elude me, and I will only have unbuilt conjecture to my name.

Perhaps it was Robert's refusals and trickery that flung my soul back towards Diane's presence. If it was, I will ensure my strike against him in the impending future, though I doubt he will not already have foreseen it.

To the point, I had clambered towards the festive Oristrict region and found the stage where his performance was well into its climax. His voice threw my focus astray, and I was entranced into watching a few songs away. We were the only reason I looked away and found myself backstage, awaiting the finale in desperate silence.

It was always eerily quiet there, where the only sounds that traveled where from the open door or within. I distracted myself with explanation, my next letter to Finn, who wanted to juice a few more details from my perspective.

Then I heard the door open. At first glance, I paid no mind to who entered, because I did not connect who it was to what I was doing. In the next moment, I found myself scrambling to hide the papers and fixing my composure and tail to remove Dia's suspicions from her mind.

She was beyond unconvinced however, and questioned what I was writing and why she could never see it. I hesitated to mention anything. How could I explain to her about something so new and recent without mentioning my attraction in why?

So I remained in the common silence.

Though, that was easily broken as she sat in the seat next to mine, turning it so she could look at me face to face. I was perplexed by her actions and barely noticed the words, the incantations dancing through her voice and to my ears.

I am unsure as to what she found out, but am thankful that Felix entered and broke her concentration. He had her leave, noticing my discomfort under her threatening gaze. The storm that settled upon my shoulders was undoubtedly from her craft. I could feel something in our connection, which still worries me to my core.

I could only explain so much to Felix before he stopped me. According to him, my infatuation is completely unexpected and entirely different from what he predicted I had come for. He did, however, understand what I was going through. I will not indulge his advice, as it is simply for my own use, but I will say it did lift my spirits, if only momentarily.

Diana is a very tricky woman to fall in love with. She no longer trusts me, and I am unsure if she'll ever return these feelings with any response. I even doubt if I will ever honestly tell her, because she never seemed quite as keen on romance. It seemed something unique to her beliefs, as all she ever received was difficulty from such a feeling.

My soul will likely never quell such a thought from mind, and it is debatable whether Felix's advice will aide me in anything.

I await knowledge from Dylan, who contacted me before I sought out Felix. He hopes to give a bit of help in my troubles, along with our other companion, Peter. They will come to my abode in the former part of the next week.

It seems Robert has decided to give matters of my struggle to others as well, who want more than a part in my current debacle before it becomes a mongrel's war.

"Truth" is unable to reply to my kneeling. I am left reserved for the coming day, unable to rest in fear of an enchantress' spells summoning us.

-Nife