journaling for sanity

[fuckaname]

And I'm rich because I reclaimed my heart and the insurmountable love I had for someone who tortured me grey.

[fuckaname]

I'M EXACTLY WHO I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE....... AND THAT'S PRETTY DAMN COOL.

[fuckaname]

Journal Entry 13

August 1st, 2025

Last time I journaled was 2019. Feels like a lifetime ago. Youth and innocence has slipped away from me yet I still let my inner child lead me with bubbly joy. I'm jaded but you'd never know. The years move fast but life stands still. Still in the same town as when I was a kid. More experience, more studies, more jobs, more countries travelled to. Goals I set out for now accomplished and mental health more secure than before. I smile at old posts and the artistic spirit I let wander aesthetically.

It's a past life filled with beauty but you couldn't pay me to return. Too much trauma and memories I've now burnt. Oh wow. Never would I predict the twists and turns that life ties are your neck. Fate is an opponent you will never overcome, so not much more to be said on the matter.

Is it foolish to state I think it's all so much more predictable now? A routine life with not much wonder left to sprout? I'm alone but I'm not lonely and that's something that teenage me would be stunned to read. I don't regret it though - the choices that brought me here. I'd like to think I'm proud of the lady who gazes at me in the mirror. Self-love bloomed where self-hate used to rule the land. Tumblr appears to be barren but I'm starting anew on tiktok now. It's all just shallow. The depth of me rests on tumblr. Layers so buried down, I don't believe anyone will uncover them.

Until next time,

SO LONG.

[fuckaname]

Today I am grateful for: distractions

Procrastination is frowned upon. However should dread be placed beneath it? I don’t want to dread what’s out of my control. Let me kill the time. Maybe I should pick better channels. At least pick something that will benefit my soul. I’m remorseful for the ways I chose to distract my self but maybe if I pick better next time then it’s okay. 

There’s nothing wrong with taking time. Just don’t take too long. There are some things you can’t take back. Just try not to beat yourself up about it.. Okay?

[fuckaname]

[fuckaname]

Journal Entry 12: Coming back

December 13, 2019

Has it really been 3 years since I last journalled? My teen years are becoming a distant memory. Maybe a movie I watched a long time ago and forgot about. Was that really me? It’s all so far away.

This feels nice. To write down my thoughts honestly. No fear or anxiety over how the people in “my life” will perceive it.. will respond.. if they respond that is. Someone close to me passed away early October. It broke my heart. I cut my grieving off with a bad decision. Something that numbed the pain. I didn’t feel guilty then but I feel guilty now. Something that was meant to be done once and be out of my system is now a habit that dances in the back of my mind urging me to greet them again... and again. Turning my back on my morals. I was really high on myself. Now my morals are a distant memory as well. It’s all so far away.

I made a post for only close friends to see about my pain. Coping with my loss. Some of my “closest” friends saw it but were silent. No condolences. How can people do this? People you thought so highly of. People you thought “hey, this is finally someone permanent” suddenly disappear in your darkest moments. Pain is bad enough- but for people to see it and be unmoved. It’s intolerable. I’m not another post on your feed to scroll past. I was your friend. Are people really so out of touch? Are we really so desensitized? D i s c o n n e c t e d . . . ?

I’ve stopped posting on social media. I’ve stopped sharing personal details about my life.. My heavy feelings. Not even to the friends whom I still trust. It’s strange. When one person wrongs us we take our trust away from everyone.

-Creatures never satisfied

[mirayama]

[assassin-bioweapon]

She’s trying

[mirayama]

[fuckaname]

Today I am grateful for: My absence

Why fix what’s not broken? Why journal what’s not hurting?

I can blame my busy schedule all I want. I can blame laziness. I can even go so far as to say that there were some moments I felt so down I could’t drag myself to the laptop but at the end of the day I was absent from here. 

Here: 

The place where I toss my sorrows into a void. Here where I let out all of the bottled emotions and scrape the very bottom of the jar. Sure, there may be a million excuses but at the end of the day- There was a solid two months where nothing compelled me enough to come back here. That is certainly something to be grateful towards.

[fuckaname]

[fuckaname]

Journal Entry 11: Too sensitive

July 25, 2016

All of the lightening and all of the thunder should be the worst of the stressors occupying my skies.. but all of this chaos and the life-threatening currents don’t even make the list.

What a cruel world. When the people whom are supposed to be closest to you, knock you down more than the people against you. When you try and ask for respect and are made to be a villain for it. When your friends constantly put you down, insult you, and hurt you. You’re not allowed to stand up for yourself. You’re not allowed to say you’re hurt. The second you say you’re offended or upset by something it’s always “You’re too sensitive”. What a fucking cop out. I hate how people throw that word at me to try and victimize themselves. To make me look like the problem in the situation. You’re the one who took things too far. You’re the one who hurt me. I’m in the wrong because your words made me sad? I’m supposed to turn off my emotions? I don’t know what a real problem is because your words made me cry?

My whole existence I’ve been disliked, beat down, betrayed, hurt emotionally and physically. Taken advantage of sexually. Abused in every sense of the word by people of all walks of life. I’m a tormented soul. I tend to have thicker skin than most to be honest and not complain. That’s why I made this blog. As an outlet. But fuck it. I’m stressed out. School is stressful. Family is stressful. My person has left me stranded. The rock in my life for the past 7 years has tumbled away. I’m vulnerable. The last thing I need is my friends beating me down too.

They toss me like a stone and leave me to drown, then tell me I should know how to swim. 

What’s so wrong with a little sensitivity?

[fuckaname]

Today I am grateful for: Absol-fucking nothing.

Every coin has a flip side though.

Even when I can’t come up with something to be grateful for I can still positively look at it like this- At least I have the freedom to express that. There are no rules here. Nothing is right and nothing is wrong. This isn’t fucking school. They can’t fail your creativity until they’ve brainwashed you into their vision and molded you into mediocrity. 

School’s not all bad. I learned a lot. Reading, writing, science.. A lot of great stuff. I guess mental health and sanity is a small price to pay for information which everyone else in the country knows and does absolutely nothing in setting you apart. Almost 20, college educated, and can’t even find a job at McDonald’s. Then again, look at me, I’m supposed to be writing a post on something I have gratitude towards and I can’t set aside my bitterness for one second to complete that simple task. Fucking super.

[fuckaname]

[fuckaname]

Journal Entry 10

May 15, 2016

Trapped in a sea of words and emotions and I’m torn for my starter between ‘I feel so invisible’ ‘I can’t even breathe’ ‘my heart is so cold’ & ‘can anyone even see me?’

I try really hard to bond with my family. One of the biggest traits that I hate about myself is that no matter how big of a reason not to, or how many chances I give, I always forgive. I can hold a grudge for as long as a year but time eventually runs out and I hand out chances. My heart gets tired of all the anger so I seek out the people who hurt me. It’s as if I’m begging them to give me the apology. I make it so easy for them. Maybe the reason it takes so long is that I’m pathetically hopeful and I think “just one more day.. just one more day.. They’ll come around on their own.” And when they don’t, because they never do, I set it up for them. I make it so easy. Family, friends, boys, anyone who hurts me gets a free pass. I was bred to let others walk all over me.

This isn’t who I used to be. I used to be a hard sturdy rock filled with rage. I got tossed around too much though and all of the dirt that was protecting me was rubbed off and now I’m just a fragile breakable stone. Everything about me is raw. Everything is painful.

I’m used to being alone and minding myself but something about this year.. It’s become so overwhelming. I’m so desperate for someone that it’s to the point that I’m trying to mend ties with my family. Everyday I sit with my mom and beg for attention. Everyday I work at eliminating the obstacles and excuses she uses for not giving it to me. Even when there is virtually no reason and we’re the only one’s in the house though... Nothing. It’s so painful when all my siblings have to do is walk into the room and they’re flooded with it. I literally cry and beg for it but I still have to ask the same question 3 times, and even then, sometimes I get no answer. Tonight though, I discovered a really easy way to get it. 

I tried to sit on the chair next to her so we could talk and I didn’t see her leg resting on it. I accidentally sat on it so she smacked me. I wish someone would’ve told me earlier that’s all I had to do for her to give me a split second of acknowledgement.

[fuckaname]

[fuckaname]

Journal Entry 9

April 26, 2016

I feel so annoying and whiny when I write these cliché ass lines but if I’m going to be transparent then I have to say: I feel like my life is a maze.

It’s not just any normal maze, it’s very complex. At least to it me is. Anyone with half a brain can see that it probably looks something like a circle, which I continuously loop and foolishly lose myself in. “How can she get lost in a circle?” They must think. Well, maybe it’s because I’m the only one who can see the poison seeping through the walls. The maze is not so simple.

I haven’t journalled in a long time due to exams. So to start, I’ll say my day went well. (Spoiler alert: the ending differs). I got my last mark for my final exam and I actually got better grades in all of my classes than what I was aiming for. Rightfully so, because I spent a week straight with my ass glued on the couch studying. I also went for an education program at a facility that I’m really interested in starting a career at. I fell for the place. It was good work for an even better cause. Not only were the people so kind and passionate but the facility was breathtakingly beautiful. The beach only a skip away... 

I wish I could share my life with someone.

I asked my family if anyone wanted to hear about my day. My sisters screamed no and my mother "joked” about evacuating. Notice I quoted the word joked because I didn’t find it the least bit amusing. Especially when they should know by now how fragile I am. They proved how serious their statements were when no one flinched as I returned to my room in tears, defeated.

This week I’ve spent hundreds of dollars on useless crap trying to seek a short fleeting moment of happiness. This is a new one for me. I usually use music or sugar but lately my appetite is shrinking by the day. I’ve already lost 3 pounds. Which I’m actually kind of happy about because I’ve been wanting to shed a few anyway. However I’d be lying if I didn’t admit it’s a little scary feeling so numb that food seems so unappealing to me.