#journal entry 18

[mylittle-babe]

May 14th, 2018

My mom texted me this morning, offering to take me to get my oil changed. She was totally upfront that it was a trap so I could go get lectured about adulting. Which absolutely sucked. She did take me out for lunch, and got my last tire replaced. I felt a little stupid having my mom take care of my car, but I was feeling good. Then on my way to visit daddy at work, she called me telling me I had a $600 bill for the doctor. Then the basement at home flooded, and a ton of my boxes got ruined. 

So I came home, and made a ton of little charms for a few of my friends, and some just for fun. It helped me destress, but my bunny seems a little more lethargic today, so I was hoping my daddy would come home from work and I could attempt to give her fluids, though I dont have great hopes for myself. 

Then daddy texted me saying he wasnt going to be home on time (10:00). He said he was going to come home later, because he was going to have a drink with Kate (the girl who gave Shannon fluids the other day). He said he felt like he owed her. Which broke my heart a bit, because I miss him a ton, and that means its gonna be way past my bedtime by the time he comes home, and I am just so tired and sad. I wont be able to give Shannon fluids, because I am going to be so tired. And I’m only going to get 6 hours of sleep, if I’m lucky. I tried giving myself play time, because I was needy, and I just got a little worked up, and then because I couldnt get myself off, all my leg muscles are tense, and now my tummy hurts. I just miss my daddy so much. Not being able to get into little space in so long, not having some proper little daddy time, it has been stressful.

 I just wish everything could go back to normal. I wish I had money to spend and go out, I wish my bunny was better, I wish I felt better. I just... I wish everything was back to how it was a month ago. I saw a lot more of my daddy, I got a lot more sleep. We had a ton of days off together, and we had more play time. I just like having time with the man I love, and I feel so disconnected with him. He has been so selfish lately, and I feel so heart broken. I think he is starting to see this, because he has been coming to bed earlier, but it doesnt make up for all the selfishness as of late. I hope once we can catch up on bills, it will all go back to normal. I miss feeling little. Daddy called me his little the other day, and it just made my heart break, because I definitely didnt feel that way.

[malcolmbuck]

5:13 PM September 13

I am seeing red. I came home from the video store and the door was unlocked, there was blood on the floor. At least, I assume it's blood. I didn't stop to do a full chemical fucking analysis. There is a mask nailed to my wall. It is red with black and white eyes. By what I've heard from Etrius, this is Exxius' mask. Who is Exxius, what does he want from us? What can I do? There was more blood at the base of the mask. Why is it always blood. It is the middle of the day but I am seeing black and red. I can't be sure what I am seeing. Etrius, Vela... Is this real? Who is Exxius and why is his god damn mask in my house?

[cutandbledink]

July 2, 11:11 AM

I'm unsure as to whether my summer vacation has lead me down the right path. In all honesty, my plans for the break have all scrambled into a sun-bleached disarray. I hate it, not being able to truly control what I do without something nagging me to do something else. I wish I had better self control, better restraint from what I end up doing.

I guess it's all a matter of what I've become in a sense. Maybe I went so far as to paint myself as a victim to an incident I just happened to mold without my knowledge. I painted my downward spiral. It was what I practically intended, the more I think about it.

When I was younger, I strove to be something unnatural. I wanted to be the monsters I read about. I wanted to be independent and mischievous and unpredictable. Here I am now, being that person, and being upset because of it. I want to burn the art I created of myself. The mask I put on became my reality. I dared to be independent yet there, and now I've paid the price.

I became two seperate people trapped in one body, meshed together into one consciousness and praying for stability as I scramble through the days and nights.

It's my own fault for driving people away, and maybe I blame myself too much, but I usually fall to this conclusion when I really don't know what else to think. I don't know who I am anymore, and as days go by, I keep dragging myself through anxiety and pleading for a better day tomorrow that I don't even know what to with myself anymore.

I don't know what companionship really is. I don't know what love really feels like. I don't know a lot of things about other people's lives. I don't know why I assume people really care about my own. I don't know if people would rather hear about me, or Nife. I don't ever know.

I'm tired. I'm tired of loneliness, of self-doubt, of hate, of regret, of ever terrible thing I've made myself out to be. I've been wanting to change myself for years. I've wanted to turn around ever since I realized how much I've changed for people who found they really didn't need me, no matter what they insisted. I never mattered to them, and I barely matter to anyone of my new friends.

I'm a broken toy that just wants to be something better in the eyes of others. I want to be something people really care about as much as I care about people. I want to mean the world to someone. I want to matter again. I want to find something that I can do to make people happy and smile and say that it makes them feel brighter.

I wish something like that could really come easy to me but I don't know. Maybe I'm in denial about something. I'm unsure of what purpose I've really given myself. I've lost myself so quickly that I'm having doubts of my own sanity, my own stability. I don't know if I'm okay. I don't know if I'm good, if I'm a good person that should focus on smiling and knowing that the next day will be better than the last.

Maybe I should quit being so personal about things. I shouldn't focus on these kinds of topics. I never should have written about my problems. They are worthless to think about and review everyday, trying to imagine a what if that will never come true. It was a mistake, all of it, and I'll never be able to atone for anything without having to suffer through it all again.

What more can I do though? My life is so simply put out just like any other person's. It's filled with problems and mistakes and changes, but I don't want things like that. I, like others, just want to be a better person. I want to be human, real and true.

I just want to be happy again, and never touch the mask I've work grooves into ever again.

~Finn