#journal entry 20

[mylittle-babe]

May 21st, 2018

I was in a really bad place after my concert I went to Friday night. When I go to these concerts, I am brought back to how I feel when I was in high school. Standing in the crowd, I feel small, scared, and insecure. I have grown so much since that point. I have become more confident, and brave, and bold. I hate feeling like that scared, stupid, idiot. I was insanely depressed my freshman year, and I was a scared, insecure girl. I didnt know who I was, I didnt know if I even had a purpose in life. I was so lost, in friendships that were toxic to my mind as well as my general well being. I was brought back to that point when I went to the concert, and felt even worse when I got home. I got home insanely late, and I was so tired, and feel absolutely awful. 

I called into work, mostly because I just felt like actual shit. I felt like that 14 year old. My daddy had off, and when he came home, cuddled me for a little bit. I just wish he spent more time with me, and less time on his video game. I know its his thing, but I just hate how alone I feel when he is sitting two feet from me. 

I am trying to get over feeling like that, I really want to just feel better, feel close to my man, feel happy. I think him taking me out tomorrow will help put me back in the proper headspace that I need to be in. I just really need my partner to spend time with me, to be there for me, to support me when I am feeling like this. I know I need to talk to him, I just have to find time. Hopefully tomorrow. He said he was going to take me to get a stuffie, so I really think spending some time with him, getting to tap into my little space will definitely help me open up and tell him how I feel.

[cutandbledink]

3 July, Afternoon?

My time with Peter was just as I had hoped. He and I went along discussing matters of "The Great Mass" and we reflected on fine drinks.

We went through a swift discussion of the previous days and a glowing forest nearby. It was perfect in my eyes, walking along the dark, run down path. I could see the steps of those before us as we trodded, and certain larger ones always caught my sights.

While "The Mass" left warmth in the surrounding light, Peter knew how best to keep it cool. He always told me his dislike for harsh heats, though I sometimes didn't mind tougher temperatures. He asked why I ever decided to reside at the edge of the ring Durinsoul.

I never put much thought to it. I loved Durinsoul like any other. The other regions weren't filled with such fascinating beings. The work, which I currently realize I must hurry to get to, was better than any other opportunity I could have been given.

Perhaps I had decided on a place this far near the end because it was just comfortable. Back in "the Realm," where my family was poised to work, I lived a bit further into the ring. It provided some stability between my mother and father's health, and by the time I was set upon departure, I was far accustomed to the habitat.

He understood, though he found himself preferring a place closer to the inner ring. He momentarily mentioned how my connection to Die would ever work, since she was one of our companions who stuck to the inner ring. I brushed it off without an actual answer. I would never be sure.

We dislike the inner ring, that much I'm sure. It must be more than that, because even I have some struggle being around the area. I'm truly unsure of what it could possibly be.

It seems I've been left with something, though I have no time to examine what the package is. Another moment, and I'll discuss it in a later shift. I leave.

-Nife