#journal entry.

[nocountryforcismen]

It's like. I know I'm a terrible, mean, bitter person so I torture myself and hate myself as a form of punishment so that everyone else knows that I'm acknowledging how bad I am but they don't need to do anything because I'm already dealing out the punishment for being evil. Just let me take care of the ostracization and humiliation for being a bad person and you don't even need to acknowledge my presence. I'm like a self curing cancer.

[codename-wraith]

JOURNAL ENTRY #???

world's edge is an area part of one of the many planets colonized by the IMC before they withdrew from the frontier. unlike kings canyon, this place seems like your standard mining colony. i'm going to draw a map later and detail everything i can find.

i really want to travel outside of world's edge, but i know it's impossible. it's reported this planet was uninhabitable before the IMC arrived, but i wonder if that's true. there's a population of hunters nearby. even if they migrated sometime between the IMC's first arrival and now, what could they possibly be hunting that spawned in the ~200 years this planet has allegedly been habitable for? something doesn't add up.

the IMC is full of lies and deceit. i wouldn't put it past them to spin some kind of narrative that erases the existence of native populations. who knows what the actual truth is anymore. and there's something i've been wondering about... syndicate. why are the arenas for the apex games so closely tied to research bases for the IMC?

i need to do some more digging. there has to be more information here, in world's edge.

i still find it hard to accept the thought that i... supported any of that. that i was willingly a part of it. i wish i could remember something. anything...

codename: wraith -- out.

[hhjs]

being in love with the sea because we could drown or we could dip our toes in, let the waves kiss away the callouses off of our wounded feet- this is where we learn to live again, this is where we learn to forgive ourselves.

[nocountryforcismen]

another one of those days where the only goal I have is to make it to the night. I feel so alone, like I'll never make any friends and that my whole life will be chaotic and anxiety inducing forever. I wish someone wanted to help me and be here for me right now, but I don't know if I'd even want that. Everything seems so easy for everyone else I wish I knew how to handle it like they do.

[nocountryforcismen]

Being an only child and feeling like I ruined my parents happy marriage by being born is such a lonely experience. I didn't ask to have a shitty relationship with them and seeing them get along makes me feel like I made everything up even though they both abused me I can't help but think that there's just something inherent about me that poisons all my closest relationships. Not to mention all the internal gaslighting about my memories since the only other people there were my parents who deny any wrongdoing so I guess I just overreacted or caused all the shit that happened to me even though I was a child!! How could I have manipulated my parents into abusing me? They had 30+ years to figure their shit out and my brain still hasn't fully developed. Idk maybe I am crazy.

[nocountryforcismen]

my favorite part of having a great day is when i get so so depressed because of it for literally no reason :)

realizing that ill never be a person with lots of friends who invite me to do stuff no matter how hard I want it or work at being an outgoing and nice person ill always be a fucking loser and people may find me nice but they'll never want to be my friend and someday the friends that I do have will leave and ill never be able to make a new friend and then I'll be completely alone. I wish I could just kill myself now and get it over with but im at my friends house for spring break so I can't do it here but it so hard knowing that even tho she's one of my best best friends im just one of many friends to her. I wish I could make friends I dont want to be lonely and I think I'm pleasant to be around even if I'm maybe not the most exciting to hang out with yet nobody ever wants to be friends. I'm actively trying to be nice and make conversation to her friends even tho we'll never see eachother again and its like they couldn't care less. idk what I'm doing wrong but I'll probably never get it right. I should never have been born I wish I was dead.

[nocountryforcismen]

today is my birthday I turned 21 and I just feel so empty. I thought I'd be really excited to finally be able to buy alcohol nd shit but I really don't care im almost scared to and I didn't have a party I only have a few friends and only one person made plans it feels like nobody cares about me and I'm such a major fuck up I wish I'd just die cuz I can't change even though I want to ill never know what to say or socialize correctly I'm just not meant to be alive I wish I knew how to be an outgoing charismatic person but im just too awkward and everyone can tell that im so weird but they wont tell me I wish I could move somewhere completely new so that nobody would know me but I'd still be the same cringe fuck up I wish I was dead so bad I hate everything I wish I had friends to celebrate my 21st with I wish people cared but it will never get better no matter how hard I try. I've been trying to do the radio at my college for years and I was supposed to do my first show today and everyone forgot and nobody showed up to unlock the door. nobody gives a shit about me not even on my fucking birthday god I wish even just one person loved me but im just too fucked up to be lovable. I wish I was dead so so so so much what did I do to deserve this I really try to go outside of my comfort zone and text first and make lots of plans with ppl so that im included but nobody seems to see me or care about me how tf do I do anything. maybe I should stop trying.