#journal posts

[enby-opossum]

I'm so tired of being in pain y'all. I am exhausted from going to two (2) stores, and I can even enjoy my cat sleeping on my lap fully cuz the heat from his widdle body is making my skin flare. New things just keep hurting or getting injuries and there's nothing I can do about it other than covering my entire body in braces and compression garments, but that would hurt in their own special way. Fuck. I didn't even get the fun party tricks that come with hypermobility. I couldn't touch my toes until I was 22. My body just keeps getting looser and floppier as I age. Fuck.

[a-girl-made-of-stardust]

if i am just made of glitters

If I am just made of flowers,

Instead of thorns,

Maybe you could’ve picked me.

If I am just made of starlight,

Instead of black holes,

Maybe you could’ve seen me.

If I am just made of beautiful words,

Instead of the angry ones,

Maybe you could’ve written me.

If I am just made of rainbows,

Instead of blacks and grays,

Maybe you could’ve painted me.

If I am just brave enough to utter the words,

Instead of drowning in silence,

Maybe you could’ve heard me.

But I couldn’t give you more.

I couldn’t give you the daydreams.

I could only give the little of what I have.

(But how could I give you love,

When I didn’t have any for myself?)

[howtonotfeelnumb]

reading notes pt. 1

(throat-eaters) ((rot, but not really)) When all of myself was there   maybe it was a nightmare, or maybe it was yesterday   I will remember everything   hands are bent backwards at the knuckle   [REDACTED]   [the earth can’t keep us, but the universe just might]    I drowned and I drowned, praying to whatever pool ladder    Once human now not - I knew very few things about who I was.   When the stains set in I took all the mirrors down   thought unthought, touch untouched    We grasp onto anything that holds us   Transparent things cannot be believed   Filled with hay and sage   If you bled it is because you were meant to bleed    I’ve never felt skin so thin    Somewhere you can breathe    Scattered letters of your name   Is there a less strange way to say I want to be a plant?   Time is circular    What do you call this kind of hurt?

[stellaralchemist]

Ele’s Journal (1)

Where we chronicle the long journey from the week before the Contagion to some point in the indeterminate future. By way of setting the scene, here’s a picture of Grace Kelly, which is what Ele mostly looked like before the events that will progress. 

Still trying to get used to last night. I told Evgeni we had to talk this morning. I think he knows. Not about what happened, not the exact bits, but I think he knows that I’m not happy. It’s not like when we were first pledged. We’ve changed now and he wants me to be something I’m not. I know what Mother and Father always say, you can just get a nanny and then send them to boarding school while they grow up. But Mother and Father were both working and Evgeni… isn’t. And anyway why would I want to have children with someone who can’t be bothered to do the one thing he’s good at? His paintings should be so good, they should sell, they have sold. He never puts in the effort, though, am I supposed to carry him forever?

And I keep thinking about last night, about his hand on my knee on the kitchen counter. If it had been timed better; if I had met him first… If I had met Marko first it would have been better. I could love him, I do love him. Maybe cooking is silly, but at least he’s the best at it. Why shouldn’t I be in love with someone who is good at something?

I keep thinking about it and I get a little thrill. It is some feeling beyond words.

[mikaelsontrelbrid]

“I don’t need a letter. I don’t want a letter. Just talk to me, to your friends. We’re right here. I’m right here.”

[mikaelsontrelbrid]

“Valarie, you’re a mess. What happened?”

Journal pages from Earth Day (April 22) and from spring, but more over still have left 2 days in Spring season till it ends within about a week later. Anyhow, Goodbye Spring & for now byes.

Onto More activities later, that is we shall see in time.

[mikaelsontrelbrid]

“We make our own rules.”