#journaldator

[journaldator]

(9.18.13/11:52P.M.)

It's been a long time since I've been here and express how've I been managing my life without you in the picture. 21 years of age later, and I'm ready to say that I am no longer sadden at the fact that we're no longer friends. I have learned how to walk my own road and I'm very glad I did. I still miss you and think of you from time to time. Honestly, I am more happier with myself because I only think about the positive times we've had knowing from one another. I don't need to sound cliche or anything but I've learn how to move on from our stupid argument that I started, and forgive myself. It took a very long time to realize that everything is going to be alright and it has.

From time to time, whenever I wonder about how you're doing, I go through your archives. I'm glad you're back in school, and doing quite well. I am proud of you. You've finally met an amazing person in your life that has made you very happy and I'm honestly happy for you because you deserved to be loved just the way you are. You still make me smile and very happy and I don't regret knowing you.

I hope in time we can cross paths again like old friends and talk about all the things we've missed out on. It's been too long and I know that some day, some how we can meet each other again and exchange hellos.

[journaldator]

(6.6.13/12:34A.M.)

I've lost count on the days I've missed you. Not that it really matters anymore, I still want you to know that I miss you. Still. Everyday and I feel like I've come to a point where I feel like I've learned so much from my mistakes. But I still feel like I haven't mustered the strength to finally talk to you and tell you everything. About how sorry I was and how idiotic I acted towards you. I was too emotionally invested into you from the start and it wasn't right for me.

I just want you to know that I miss you, Sofi. I miss you so, so, much. I don't think about the horrible text message I last sent you that made you feel so disrespected but it took me months to finally forgive myself for what I did. I just wish you can find it in your heart and forgive me too. You know, I think about you from time to time about the short-lived memories we had together as best friends. Sometimes I even wonder if you think about me too. I hope life is treating you with kindness. You've always said that sometimes two people need go their separate ways to water their roots so that they'll meet again someday. I've certainly watered mine. I just hope the part where we meet again someday is true.

[journaldator]

(11.27.12/10:23PM)

15 days. It's been fifteen days since I've poured my feelings onto here. A lot has gone by since. I don't even know where to start. I guess I've realized how everything falls and come to an end feels, you know? The pain is all too familiar but you on the other hand made it seem like it was the end of the world for me. I guess I got too attached to you and ended up paying for it because I was becoming compulsive, and jealous because I desperately hoped that you'd have at least of those feelings for me as I did for you. Sofi I want you to realize something and I want to you pay close attention. I am very, very sorry for everything I've done, and said. The night I sent you that final text messages was the night where I had to tell myself that I have to move on if there's nothing left for our friendship. Days after, I'd furiously go back and forth debating whether or not if it was the right thing to do until I just finally stopped doing so because I don't debate about it anymore. I'm staying in one spot trying to figure out if I did or did not regret sending that message to you when I'm actually suppose to be moving forward.

And that's what I've been doing lately. I've been moving forward in life without you. You may very well dislike me and I don't blame you at all. As far as that goes, you can hate me forever, I no longer worry about it because I fully accept everything as it is now. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think I've come to a point where I've finally relinquished all the feelings I had for you. I'm pretty positive that I'm over you. I'm over our fights, disagreements, whatever it is that doesn't put us in the same page. I feel that way because I can forgive myself for all the things I've done, for all the stress I've put you through and finally go my own way. You even said it yourself that we should go our own way since we need to water our roots and in time, we will meet onto the same road someday. Well here I am, I'm watering my roots, are you watering yours? I'm consistently learning and observing how everything works when I'm on my own.

I'm learning about life in difference places and love with different people. I've learned to love myself now and trust who I am, and what I'm capable of because I'm confident in who I am. I won't go around getting all attached with different people because I finally know how it feels for you to fall in and out of love.

If there was anything I ever wanted to say to your face, I'd have to say to take care of yourself Sofi. I don't ever think we'll meet on the same lane ever again like we did in the beginning. But if we do, I'd like to give myself one more chance to you to start our friendship over. I'm finally letting you go and leaving you alone because it's you that need this more. You've gone through so much in the past and it has led up to this point. You're finally going continue your education and follow your dreams and goals. You're finally going to prove to yourself that you're better than this. But if you mess up and get caught in the web that distracts you from your goal even in the slightest mistake; everything you've worked for, will be gone in a snap. Just like that. So, I hope you know what you're doing is the right path for you and not just some misplaced feelings for some guy you want to be in an relationship with, because that's not who you are.

[journaldator]

(11.12.12/10:54PM)

I've never felt so defeated in my entire life by what your ultimatum. The response you left made me die a lot inside. What do you mean by how I should stop acting like a bitch  and acting like I'm the one innocent here. I'm not. I totally am not innocent. I just wanted you to listen to me for a few more times so I could just tell how I feel now. I'm really sorry Sofi. I'm sorry you feel this way but I never meant to tell you "fuck you" when I walked out of your life.

I get it now. I'm just going to take that message as your last and final message and just move on. If we really don't have any chance in salvaging our friendship then so be it. I need to move on and stop talking to you and stop thinking about you. If you really want to go our separate ways and not turn back, then I guess it's fine. Be it as it may, it is the hardest I've ever done and I just wish I could tell you face to face that I do regret walking out of your life and I know that there isn't a chance for us being anything anymore. Not even as a friend. I've died so much inside after reading that because how you act like I don't exist anymore. You were never that type of person to anyone.

I have failed you, Sofi. I really have failed you right from the start. I shouldn't have gotten my emotions in the way. I should've never liked you more than a friend from the start. I should have never met you. But I did, and I lost you. That's just the way things are from now and I'm trying to accept that. If there's anything I've learned about our friendship that ended too soon, it was that it doesn’t take much to ruin any type of relationship; even something small and petty can destroy a bond between people. Unfortunately, I’ve fell on my face and I woke with a scar. It’s just another mistake I’ve made that’s living deep in my heart. You still me everything to me but now, you're just a stranger. It hurts a lot because I'm paying for my actions and this is probably a debt that I'll never have the ability to pay back. For that, I fault myself so much. I think I'm going to have to live with the fact that I'm a failure and that there is something wrong with me.

I know you'll never forgive me and I don't expect you to, but if there was just one final thing I could relay to you, it would be that I hope you learn how to find happiness again. Happiness in yourself, and in others. If you ever find someone you like, you go after that person and you tell them how you feel. Don't ever give up on your dreams and passion no matter what obstructs your path. Separate yourself from what's negative and be your own person. Accept loneliness as an old friend if believe love isn't for you. There is nothing wrong with that. And always, be patient, be fine, be balanced, and be kind.

I really don't know what to do at this point. I know I have to go my way and I have many questions to ask but they'll never be an answer for any of them. Do I still hope and for you to go far in life? Do I still use a little bit of your given motivation I have left to just keep pushing? Do I still keep you in my prayers to live and maintain a good and healthy life? I don't know. I just don't know anymore. You were my only best friend and I selfishly lost you forever. All I really hope is that years from now I hope we unintentionally bump into each other one day. You probably would remember me, but I know I could never forget your face. I could never forget your stories, your past, your deepest darkest secrets, your goals, your fears, everything. Everything you have told me about you since day one. And if we do bump into each other fatefully, I know I'm going to muster everything I have and start over with you.

[journaldator]

(10.10.12/11:59PM)

I might just repost this during New Years to reflect upon one thing that I’ve learned about our past friendship during 2012.

But anyways, I’ve learned that it doesn’t take much to ruin any type of relationship; even something small and petty can destroy a bond between people.

Unfortunately, I’ve fell on my face and I woke with a scar. It’s just another mistake I’ve made that’s living deep in my heart.

And, the more I keep thinking about it, the more I feel like you'll never forgive me and give me a chance to start over.

[journaldator]

(11.09.12/11:59PM)

How are you today, Sofi? I've thought about you all day when I was at work. Yeah, I feel like when I'm talking to you anonymously, I feel a sense of comfort. I mean I still keep in contact with you without having you to know that it's me. Sometimes I really wonder if you really know it's me or not.

It's okay if you don't know if it's me. In fact, I'd hate to say it but I'm probably the last thing on your mind. I know you're more focused on other things in life and that's fine. I get it because it's your future and I know you need for than anything. That's why I respect you and I need to get out of your way.

[journaldator]

(11.08.12/11:32PM)

Just another post. Telling you how I miss you so and I hope you're doing fine.  

[journaldator]

(11.07.12/11:35PM)

I’ve noticed that you’ve been keeping track of all of my anonymous messages. You’re getting more suspicious by the day. That’s okay, I don’t leave much evidence that point to me all along that you’ve been talking to. I’m going on a limb and I’m going to say that you were never a good detective. I know, and you’re right. Women do have adequate deduction skills but you know me well enough that I’m just the same. If not, maybe a bit more professional. You’re probably wondering who this “anonymous” is for the past couple of days but I don’t think that’ll be revealed any time soon. I need to speak you without being “Brian.” I have to be filter, or like the white noise. It gives us a comforting position since we’re not friends anymore. You should also know that whatever I’ve told you so far, that is all me. It came from my heart and mind. Those were some of the things that I tried telling you but it just never came out the way I wanted to. I really hope you heed my words because all I want to do now is to give support as much as I can. You have the ability to do so much better than you are right now. It’s time to buckle down, and start working.