(10.05.13/12:34A.M.)
Why did you come back?

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@journaldator
(10.05.13/12:34A.M.)
Why did you come back?
(9.18.13/11:52P.M.)
It's been a long time since I've been here and express how've I been managing my life without you in the picture. 21 years of age later, and I'm ready to say that I am no longer sadden at the fact that we're no longer friends. I have learned how to walk my own road and I'm very glad I did. I still miss you and think of you from time to time. Honestly, I am more happier with myself because I only think about the positive times we've had knowing from one another. I don't need to sound cliche or anything but I've learn how to move on from our stupid argument that I started, and forgive myself. It took a very long time to realize that everything is going to be alright and it has.
From time to time, whenever I wonder about how you're doing, I go through your archives. I'm glad you're back in school, and doing quite well. I am proud of you. You've finally met an amazing person in your life that has made you very happy and I'm honestly happy for you because you deserved to be loved just the way you are. You still make me smile and very happy and I don't regret knowing you.
I hope in time we can cross paths again like old friends and talk about all the things we've missed out on. It's been too long and I know that some day, some how we can meet each other again and exchange hellos.
(6.6.13/12:34A.M.)
I've lost count on the days I've missed you. Not that it really matters anymore, I still want you to know that I miss you. Still. Everyday and I feel like I've come to a point where I feel like I've learned so much from my mistakes. But I still feel like I haven't mustered the strength to finally talk to you and tell you everything. About how sorry I was and how idiotic I acted towards you. I was too emotionally invested into you from the start and it wasn't right for me.
I just want you to know that I miss you, Sofi. I miss you so, so, much. I don't think about the horrible text message I last sent you that made you feel so disrespected but it took me months to finally forgive myself for what I did. I just wish you can find it in your heart and forgive me too. You know, I think about you from time to time about the short-lived memories we had together as best friends. Sometimes I even wonder if you think about me too. I hope life is treating you with kindness. You've always said that sometimes two people need go their separate ways to water their roots so that they'll meet again someday. I've certainly watered mine. I just hope the part where we meet again someday is true.
(11.27.12/10:23PM)
15 days. It's been fifteen days since I've poured my feelings onto here. A lot has gone by since. I don't even know where to start. I guess I've realized how everything falls and come to an end feels, you know? The pain is all too familiar but you on the other hand made it seem like it was the end of the world for me. I guess I got too attached to you and ended up paying for it because I was becoming compulsive, and jealous because I desperately hoped that you'd have at least of those feelings for me as I did for you. Sofi I want you to realize something and I want to you pay close attention. I am very, very sorry for everything I've done, and said. The night I sent you that final text messages was the night where I had to tell myself that I have to move on if there's nothing left for our friendship. Days after, I'd furiously go back and forth debating whether or not if it was the right thing to do until I just finally stopped doing so because I don't debate about it anymore. I'm staying in one spot trying to figure out if I did or did not regret sending that message to you when I'm actually suppose to be moving forward.
And that's what I've been doing lately. I've been moving forward in life without you. You may very well dislike me and I don't blame you at all. As far as that goes, you can hate me forever, I no longer worry about it because I fully accept everything as it is now. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think I've come to a point where I've finally relinquished all the feelings I had for you. I'm pretty positive that I'm over you. I'm over our fights, disagreements, whatever it is that doesn't put us in the same page. I feel that way because I can forgive myself for all the things I've done, for all the stress I've put you through and finally go my own way. You even said it yourself that we should go our own way since we need to water our roots and in time, we will meet onto the same road someday. Well here I am, I'm watering my roots, are you watering yours? I'm consistently learning and observing how everything works when I'm on my own.
I'm learning about life in difference places and love with different people. I've learned to love myself now and trust who I am, and what I'm capable of because I'm confident in who I am. I won't go around getting all attached with different people because I finally know how it feels for you to fall in and out of love.
If there was anything I ever wanted to say to your face, I'd have to say to take care of yourself Sofi. I don't ever think we'll meet on the same lane ever again like we did in the beginning. But if we do, I'd like to give myself one more chance to you to start our friendship over. I'm finally letting you go and leaving you alone because it's you that need this more. You've gone through so much in the past and it has led up to this point. You're finally going continue your education and follow your dreams and goals. You're finally going to prove to yourself that you're better than this. But if you mess up and get caught in the web that distracts you from your goal even in the slightest mistake; everything you've worked for, will be gone in a snap. Just like that. So, I hope you know what you're doing is the right path for you and not just some misplaced feelings for some guy you want to be in an relationship with, because that's not who you are.
(11.12.12/10:54PM)
I've never felt so defeated in my entire life by what your ultimatum. The response you left made me die a lot inside. What do you mean by how I should stop acting like a bitch  and acting like I'm the one innocent here. I'm not. I totally am not innocent. I just wanted you to listen to me for a few more times so I could just tell how I feel now. I'm really sorry Sofi. I'm sorry you feel this way but I never meant to tell you "fuck you" when I walked out of your life.
I get it now. I'm just going to take that message as your last and final message and just move on. If we really don't have any chance in salvaging our friendship then so be it. I need to move on and stop talking to you and stop thinking about you. If you really want to go our separate ways and not turn back, then I guess it's fine. Be it as it may, it is the hardest I've ever done and I just wish I could tell you face to face that I do regret walking out of your life and I know that there isn't a chance for us being anything anymore. Not even as a friend. I've died so much inside after reading that because how you act like I don't exist anymore. You were never that type of person to anyone.
I have failed you, Sofi. I really have failed you right from the start. I shouldn't have gotten my emotions in the way. I should've never liked you more than a friend from the start. I should have never met you. But I did, and I lost you. That's just the way things are from now and I'm trying to accept that. If there's anything I've learned about our friendship that ended too soon, it was that it doesnât take much to ruin any type of relationship; even something small and petty can destroy a bond between people. Unfortunately, Iâve fell on my face and I woke with a scar. Itâs just another mistake Iâve made thatâs living deep in my heart. You still me everything to me but now, you're just a stranger. It hurts a lot because I'm paying for my actions and this is probably a debt that I'll never have the ability to pay back. For that, I fault myself so much. I think I'm going to have to live with the fact that I'm a failure and that there is something wrong with me.
I know you'll never forgive me and I don't expect you to, but if there was just one final thing I could relay to you, it would be that I hope you learn how to find happiness again. Happiness in yourself, and in others. If you ever find someone you like, you go after that person and you tell them how you feel. Don't ever give up on your dreams and passion no matter what obstructs your path. Separate yourself from what's negative and be your own person. Accept loneliness as an old friend if believe love isn't for you. There is nothing wrong with that. And always, be patient, be fine, be balanced, and be kind.
I really don't know what to do at this point. I know I have to go my way and I have many questions to ask but they'll never be an answer for any of them. Do I still hope and for you to go far in life? Do I still use a little bit of your given motivation I have left to just keep pushing? Do I still keep you in my prayers to live and maintain a good and healthy life? I don't know. I just don't know anymore. You were my only best friend and I selfishly lost you forever. All I really hope is that years from now I hope we unintentionally bump into each other one day. You probably would remember me, but I know I could never forget your face. I could never forget your stories, your past, your deepest darkest secrets, your goals, your fears, everything. Everything you have told me about you since day one. And if we do bump into each other fatefully, I know I'm going to muster everything I have and start over with you.
(10.10.12/11:59PM)
I might just repost this during New Years to reflect upon one thing that Iâve learned about our past friendship during 2012.
But anyways, Iâve learned that it doesnât take much to ruin any type of relationship; even something small and petty can destroy a bond between people.
Unfortunately, Iâve fell on my face and I woke with a scar. Itâs just another mistake Iâve made thatâs living deep in my heart.
And, the more I keep thinking about it, the more I feel like you'll never forgive me and give me a chance to start over.
(11.09.12/11:59PM)
How are you today, Sofi? I've thought about you all day when I was at work. Yeah, I feel like when I'm talking to you anonymously, I feel a sense of comfort. I mean I still keep in contact with you without having you to know that it's me. Sometimes I really wonder if you really know it's me or not.
It's okay if you don't know if it's me. In fact, I'd hate to say it but I'm probably the last thing on your mind. I know you're more focused on other things in life and that's fine. I get it because it's your future and I know you need for than anything. That's why I respect you and I need to get out of your way.
(11.08.12/11:32PM)
Just another post. Telling you how I miss you so and I hope you're doing fine. Â
(11.07.12/11:35PM)
Iâve noticed that youâve been keeping track of all of my anonymous messages. Youâre getting more suspicious by the day. Thatâs okay, I donât leave much evidence that point to me all along that youâve been talking to. Iâm going on a limb and Iâm going to say that you were never a good detective. I know, and youâre right. Women do have adequate deduction skills but you know me well enough that Iâm just the same. If not, maybe a bit more professional. Youâre probably wondering who this âanonymousâ is for the past couple of days but I donât think thatâll be revealed any time soon. I need to speak you without being âBrian.â I have to be filter, or like the white noise. It gives us a comforting position since weâre not friends anymore. You should also know that whatever Iâve told you so far, that is all me. It came from my heart and mind. Those were some of the things that I tried telling you but it just never came out the way I wanted to. I really hope you heed my words because all I want to do now is to give support as much as I can. You have the ability to do so much better than you are right now. Itâs time to buckle down, and start working.
(11.06.12/11:56AM)
You've been so happy lately. I finally have a little piece of mind that you are doing better. I am in love with your new spectacles. They suit you very much. I miss you. I have my phone on me a lot more. I'd like to think that maybe you want to text me just to check up on me so, even though that's unlikely to happen, I still keep my phone with me. I wait for a text from you. Please text me, Sofi. I miss you very much.
(11.05.12/10:45PM)
I miss it when you call me bribri, or bboy, and when you tell me "yo get'em tiger."
I don't know what it is but you always get me with that.
I just want to make things right again.
But I'm scared that nothing's going to change.
But I have to play my part as Mr. Anonymous. I have to continue on with being there for you because I really really care about you. And I'm so in love with you, and your mind, and your heart, and your soul. Everything about you just makes me smile.
You have to come back into my life. You need to come back into my life away. I'm so sorry Sofi. I'm so selfish of letting you go. Please, just come back home to where you belong. In my heart.
(11.04.12/10:43PM)
Sofi, I want you to know that I appreciate you. I appreciate you for who you are from the bottom of my heart. I know I'm no good at expressing these types of things to you but I want you to know that it takes a lot of commitment and courage to be the person you are. You have been through hell, and you're probably still going through hell. You're a fighter and you always make me so proud. I wish I can tell you all of this to your face so you can at least have a genuine smile. Whether it may last for a couple of second, or five minutes, a real smile from you will always light up my day.
Please Sofi, don't ever change into someone you're not. You are perfect to me in every single way. I love your positive attributes as well as your flaws combined.
(11.3.12/11:46PM)
I feel like I'm a ghost when I'm communicating with you being anonymous. It is as if I'm trying to reach you with warm regards over on the other side or something. I've checked up on your archives extensively because the truth is, I just can't seem to walk away from you. I tell you that I'm leaving you but I feel like I just can't do it. I'm too ashamed to tell you all of this because I'm afraid of what you'd think of me afterwards. I know it feels to soon to feel this way but I've noticed that you've been feeling down for the past week.
I read all these things like how you're so mad, unhappy, and you have thoughts about how you want to be dead. You've been consumed with so much dark negativity that you don't know how to control it and I just feel so, so terrible because that is the time where a good friend would step up to the plate and reassure you that everything is going to be just fine. And, that long post that I sent you, those were from me. I heard your cry and I acknowledged your apathy. Here I was, being a friend to you without actually being your friend because it was my own damn fault for walking out on you.
I just wrote about everything you've been feeling and I turned it into something that could be positive. And as every good friend should know what to say to a friend in need, "Everything is going to be just fine, believe me." I reminded you of all the things you love doing that made you who you are. All the times you told me that you love star gazing, and appreciating the crisp sound of rain tapping onto the window, and tea. You loved drinking tea and I had to remind you of your purpose. And it's etched onto you. Your tattoo. It's everything you and other people out there should stand for.
When I got your reply, I just felt a sigh of relief. I hope my message shed some light for you. But the one thing that left me thinking was, you said, "Be my friend. I love you, Thank You." I really do want to be your friend Sofi. I give anything to be in your life again but I still feel like I'm just no good for you. As much as I keep caring on and on and on about you, I feel like one day, I'm going to get out of line and start controlling you and I don't want that. I don't want that at all. But I promise you Sofi, I will always be your friend. No matter what happens. Always.
(11.02.12/11:55PM)
I sent you an anonymous message today. Yeah, that one about how I told you that there is always someone out there thinking about you day after day was from me. And I'm right. there will always be someone out there that's thinking about you day to day and I guess that just so happens to be me. I'd understand if you've began to grow a great distaste in me by now but no matter what happens, I'm always thinking about you.
I just hope you believe that and you shouldn't have to think that no one cares about you. I care about you. It's not about the pictures and your face photos that you have that keeps me crawling back. It's so much more than that. I can't accept the fact that I'm trying to walk my own path but in reality I want to be the one that still stays by your side because I want to help. I want to help you like you helped me. I want to listen to you more as much as you've listened to me. I want to help you pick yourself back up like you helped me. I just want to be your best friend again.
(11.01.12/11:46PM)
One of the things I found fascinating about you when we first talked was your appreciation of video games. Boy, it seems like it was just yesterday when you texted me every time Diddy Kong got the best of you on the Nintendo Wii. You were like a little kid who was determined to get through the next stage. I don't know whether if any of this makes sense to you or if you get what I'm trying to say but it's one of many things that you do that makes me like you the way you are. You've always had that competitive spirit in you.
(10.31.12/10:37PM)
I just feel so unaware of my feelings today.
All I feel is loneliness.
And I don't want to be alone.
(10.30.12/11:54PM)
I've been doing a lot of thinking tonight. I've been thinking about why I left and why it all had to end. I think I realized that we were never meant to be anything more than just friends. To be honest, I don't even know if friend is correct term anymore. But nevertheless, you were put into my life for a reason. You picked me up Sofia. You picked me back up and taught me the fundamental meaning of what life is, and how there is always beauty in everything that is negative. It is, what we make of it. It is how we choose to to act upon it. Whether it may be doing good, or wreaking havoc in not only our own lives, but in others that you hold closest to you, we always have a choice to change. And you Sofia, have certainly changed me. It was as if you held my hand and understood all the pain, grief, and misery I stored within myself for all these years and you replaced it with meaning. With answers to each every single one of them.
I realize that this was your purpose. You taught me the meaning of being a friend when someone else was lonely. When everyone else failed to get through me it was you who took it upon yourself and stripped away every amour I had against the world and you told me that it was going to be alright. Now I know why there was a ending point between the both of us. You were only in my life to teach, as I was a student as you were the teacher. My vice was that I became too consumed. I was out of focus because I was too mesmerized by your philosophy on life and ultimately, I let my emotions get in the way only because I felt a sense of belonging with you. It was more than that, it was a sense of clarity, peacefulness. I was finally happy, alright? You made me really happy and appreciative of all the things that life had to offer. But mostly importantly you made me a happy person because you taught me how to smile. You taught me love and I only wanted to show you love in return.
I wanted to show you love much so because as you've taught me so, I had learned so much about you in so little time. From your full name, to your deepest darkest secrets. To whatever makes you stay up at night wishing that everything was going to be alright after all the trauma you've been through. We were the same Sofia. We were two very misguided souls that happened to find each other to teach one another. We carried each other all the way to the top each and every single day we spent conversing with each other. It was you all along and it had always been you Sofia. I loved you so so much and because of that I just felt so paranoid that you'd fall harder than you ever did someday. I just wanted to protect you from the negatives things that you've fighting against for so long. I wanted to become your comrade, your most trusted ally, and most importantly, your friend.
But none of that matters anymore because no matter whats; whether all the images we have in our head being a friend with each other rewinds back in time, it was all thrown away. You had done your job. You had fulfilled your obligation long ago but you did not leave me as I fully understand that you were suppose to. Instead, you stayed in my life. You stayed all along. Now, I don't know you did that but you did. Maybe it was the fact that I asked you to stay and or, maybe it was my doing that caused you to stay.
But you don't owe me anything, anymore. You've taught me everything you knew. You have given me everything. Everything I needed to stand on my two feet again to face reality.