#journaling ig

[wbluesky]

Got a MacBook. Going back to school this fall.

I guess I'm living out my "white girl" dreams after all. Should I start trying to write?

[vinilsoup]

The only problem is that I'm still having the fears and the paranoia and the anxiety but it's ok I'm going to our public health place you go when you want to speak to a doctor it's not an hospital sorry got caught on details anyway I think I won't be able to go to a psychiatrist soon. Healthcare in my neighborhood specifically is really good, but stills take a while to have appointments with specialists and you can't choose your doctor, it's assigned by neighborhood so it can suck, once I had to wait more than a year to go to an eye doctor and my glasses were so damaged my vision was almost worse with the glasses on. I ended up having to pay.

[liberhoe]

tw: Animal death, parent death, blood, vent

Today is July 17th, 2023,

I found a little hummingbird tonight. He wasn't breathing. On his back with his little wings spread, on the driveway by my sister's car.

I brought him up to the table on the deck and tried to give him cpr(without mouth to mouth). The mosquitos wouldn't leave me alone but i had to try and save the little guy.

I kept at it for 5 minutes or so, until I realized that my fingers had gotten sticky. And when I looked at my pointer and middle fingers, they had little spots of blood on them. I don't know if I pushed too hard while giving chest compressions, or if there was an injury, but i did something wrong.

I buried him in my garden, next to my bearded iris. I hope he rests peacefully.

Yesterday was my father's 3 year death anniversary. Maybe that's why I'm as fucked up as I am right now. My heart hurts so bad rn, i dunno.

He came by the bird feeders every day. And now I'll never see him drinking or flying again. Now when I go water the flowers, I'll have to know that he's there too.