I want to live;
Just when you thought your life was over in less than a second, something within you stirs. Was the beast? Was it Hydaelyn herself? Or was it the sheer will to live? It could honestly be all three combined and I still do not want to believe in it.
Two powerful beings against one another, fighting for survival, for freedom -- the need to feel alive. The adrenaline that flowed through my veins just days ago is still there, I can feel it.
I refuse to forget the time between the seconds with that… that monster.
Ah, but I cannot say that. Aren’t I a monster, too…?
She stopped writing, and placed her quill down. Emerald eyes trailed over her right hand, and saw it shake slightly, then, her left hand. They were bruised, battered and still hurt to type -- it was obvious by her horrid writing, but she did not care -- and still continued to try and write on paper.
‘I want to preserve this moment.’ J’lihmu took a long breath, then exhaled moments after, staring at the mirror that was next to desk. She had forgotten how horrid she looked as well. Scars littered around her face, arms, and hands while her face seemed a bit bruise, purple blotch marks appearing on her neck and her whole body seemed to ache every time she moved.
She wasn’t supposed to be up and about yet. Lyse would kill her if she found out, but Li had the sudden urge to write her moments with Zenos. ‘The moment where I truly felt scared for my life, and the people around me.’
But, before she was able to pick up her quill once more, the door opened. Her eyes widened, and quickly getting up to defend herself only to realize it was none other than her young elezen companion.
“Alphinau--woah…” The miqo’te trailed off, feeling her world suddenly moving while she stood still. Alphinaud quickly ran to her side, making sure she used him as support while slowly attempting to bring her back to her bed. In this moment, Alisae entered the room and her expression went from one of surprise to a frown.
“Li! You know you’re not supposed to be up!” The young female elezen rushed over immediately as she said those words while Alphinaud looked at the Warrior of Light with a disapproving expression.
The female warrior looked at both of them back and forth before shrugging her shoulders, knowing fully well she’s defeated in this state. “I’m defeated,” Li said, sighing as she raised her hands up in mock surrender.
“So you say, but you’ll be back to the desk as soon as we close the door, won’t you?” Alphinaud ask casually, squinting slightly as Li chuckled nervously. The twins looked at each other, coming to some kind of understanding without saying words to one another. Alisae walked over to them, sitting on the bed while her brother looked at the Warrior of Light.
As soon as those words came out of Alphinaud’s mouth Li frowned and laid back onto the bed and let out an aggravated sound. After a couple of moments of silence, she dejectedly nodded towards the young elezen male.
“I can’t sit still,” was her answer. She turned her attention to the ceiling, her expression growing dark as she extended her right hand out towards it.
“...It feels like it’s been hours since then.” It was a statement; a statement both twins know very well in what she meant. While none of them talked, she continued.
“The time between the seconds, right and wrong, light and dark, beast versus beast… it all lead up to this. I was ready to die.” The crimson haired woman closed her eyes and let her hand fall back onto the bed before continuing.
“But, while I wrote those moments, it also made me realized I didn’t want to die. The power bestowed upon me will probably never let me die. But…” She trailed off, opening her eyes and looking at them with a fierce determination in them.
“I don’t want to give this burden to anyone. No one needs to know the suffering of losing someone by the ties that bind them, no one needs to feel how heavy their shoulders are when all of the world is depending on them, no one needs to have the nightmares that plague me since Haurchefant’s death. I could go on and on and on and there’s lots of things I would never give up to any of you.”
Alisae and Alphinaud were shocked to hear her confession, as J’Lihmu tended to keep her heart closed off. To let them know how she felt, hear fears, her need to survive… it moved them both dearly… but it also pained them to know the truth hidden behind that smirk she always wear, or that confident smile that seemed to calm them down when they needed it.
She needed people there for her, too.
“Li…” Alisae started, but Alphinaud cut her off. “I, for once, am glad you survived and did not die. I would like to hope you’ll never die so as long as me and my sister live. You’ve done nothing but shone light upon our lives, helped us at our lowest…” He positioned himself so he was looking directly at her face, her green eyes wide eyed at the male elezen and his words.
“We love you, truly. Please don’t take take the burden of the whole world on your shoulders.” He grabbed her hand as Li’s eyes seem to glistened with fresh tears and yet he continued on.
Alisae was more shocked seeing Li suddenly cry, but it is not the first time, nor probably the last. However, she move, placing her hand upon her brothers, which had Li’s hand in his. “It’s as he says, you know. You’re the only one brought up into this mess, and you have friends and loved ones in Gridania, Ul’Dah, Limsa Lominsa, Ishgard and now Ala Mhigo, Doma and the Azim Steppe!” Li snorted at that, thinking of her friendly Oronir warrior rival as a ‘friend,’ but she let her continue.
“Everyone you’ve touched… you’ve given them hope. Hope that they no longer had, the strength to move on and fight, the strength to live and the will to fight. You’ve grown so much from the first time me and Alphinaud met you and I for once couldn’t be happier at your growth.”
A small sob, a slight whimper and her ears flopped over. “S-Stop. That is enough out of both of you!” The Warrior of Light grabbed both of them and pulled them into the bed, adjusting slightly so one was to her left, the other her right while she was smack dab in the middle of them, snuggling her chest onto Alisaie’s.
The twins smiled warmly at the scene playing before them, while it was surprising but it was to be expected. J’Lihmu has put up walls upon walls only to have it torn down seconds before her apparent death, and realize her worth; her need to protect her friends and loved ones.
Alphinaud and Alisaie continued to talk to her, giving her the necessary love and affection she needed but she did not hear them for a moment. Her thoughts took her back to the fight with Zenos, where he almost took her life, and everything from here and suddenly she remembered his words.
“You live for these moments -- when all hangs in the balance… when the difference between life and death is but a single stroke.”
While he wasn’t wrong, he wasn’t right, either. If she could go back to the past and talk to her old self, she’d probably punch her in the face for any future transgressions that were about to take place. But also, she wouldn’t change a single damn thing about herself -- as that is who she is today.
Everything she went through -- from the day she almost lost her eye, to the day she finally killed her ex-friend, to the days of right and wrong, happy and sad and angry. She’s learned from her many, many mistakes and being able to bask and enjoy these moments with her friends truly makes her feel alive.
“I am different than you, my friend. My enemy.”
“I have friends by my side who remind me every day what it is to live, to cry, to laugh and enjoy every second as if it was my last. But I refuse to give in. I refuse to die. My light will shine as far as it can reach, and touch any corner where your shadow lies.”
“I will fight, because I want to live. Because I want to live.”
