No… none of them sounded right… not to them, anyway.
…He was in his house that he inherited from his newly moved-on parents. Suddenly, the dresses he decided to wear didn’t fit right anymore. Back in the closet they go, then. It doesn’t help that auditions for the Monstropolis Ballet Company’s production of Swan Lake were starting this weekend, and he still didn’t know what part they wanted to play!
On the one hand, Prince Seigfriede was the hero, meant to either slay the evil Rothbart or die tragically depending on what version the director decided to go with. Then there was Rothbart, the villain who turned an innocent girl, Odette, into a swan. Then there was Odette, the cursed heroine whose story may or may not end in tragedy. And then on that fourth hand there was Odile… though Odette and Odile were double cast anyway.
…She was conflicted. She didn’t want to go to her big sister Polly; she was busy trying to plan her wedding… oh right, the wedding! What was she supposed to wear for that?! Tuxedos we’re too stuffy and formal dresses don’t fit her body well enough! Groaning, she face-planted right into her bed, screaming into their pillow.
…Oh yeah. They were alone in the house now. Polly moved out years ago and is now living with her two fiancées, and their parents… are gone now. They didn’t even have anyone willing to move in when them rent-free. They’ve been living alone for months now. The last time all four of them were together was during their graduation from Spooky High. Before they accepted a contract from the Company. Before Polly decided to go on a road trip with her partners. Before…
No. No more time for tears. Still, he was frustrated beyond belief. He was fortunate enough to ensure the beginnings of this struggle before mom and dad found out… and then they did. And how did they respond?
“We’ll always love you whether you’re our son or our daughter!”
Some non-response like that… Relieving, but not very helpful. The textbook response to kids coming out to their parents as trans, or even just questioning their gender… But at least it was support regardless. Not every kid gets that from anyone, much less the people who brought you into this world—and in your dad’s case, out of it.
And now they’re gone.
And now they’re alone.
…She wanted to cry, knowing nobody could hear her. But she’s all cried out. How did that song go? No more tears to cry? …She’d grieved long enough, they thought, but it still hurts. Maybe it always will.
And then the phone rings, snapping him out of his thoughts. Gathering the will to sit up, he swiped right to accept the incoming call.
“Hey there! It’s me, your fan favorite big sister Polly! Need a ride to your audition?”
“Heh… hey, Polly.” she greeted. “I think I should be good. But I still don’t know who I wanna audition for.”
“Ooh! Let me help! Lemme see if I can vibe my way into determining what role you should play!” Polly volunteered. They just smiled to themselves. Had Polly successfully overcome her own grief? Was she masking it like they were right now? Who knows? But Polly volunteered to help anyway. At least they didn’t have to ask. “Now… are you feeling feminine or masculine energy? I mean you’ve proven in your ballet classes you’re extremely versatile.”
“That’s the thing… I don’t know,” he answered honestly.
“Well, maybe audition for all the major parts then? Show the company how adaptable you are?”
“That’s not how ballet auditions work.” she argued. “It’s not like Spooky Academy where you can just audition for every role in the script and the Director will match you with what role they think you’ll do best in.”
“…Academy? Did the school go through a name change after I graduated?” Polly asked. “Anyway, that’s beside the point! You can’t make a decision?”
“No… I don’t know if I wanna be the prima ballerina, the leading man, the villain, or what.” they admitted, pacing around in their bedroom.
“I guess… I’d suggest flipping a coin, but you have more than two choices available to you,” said Polly. She was right, though. He did have more than two choices. And that just made him feel more frustrated. “How many roles do you wanna audition for?”
“I dunno… I think the main four? Well, two of those roles are double-cast, so I guess it’s three?”
“Well, either way, just go for it! Whatever role you get, you’ll absolutely crush it!”
“…You really think?”
“Of course. You’ve always been a ballet master. You got all the spirit needed!” Polly cheered. “And I’m not just saying this as your big sister.”
They just sighed to themselves; Polly did have a point.
“I know…” she replied. “You’re right. Just… thanks.”
“Hey, no problem, sib. Does it really matter what role you get anyway if you’d be happy with all three?”
“…I guess not.”
“Anyway, I’ll call you later. Gotta do a work. Phbbt! Love you lots!”
“…Love you too.”
…Does it matter. Why is that sticking with him so much? It has to matter, doesn’t it?
Even when she decided to take a shower, that question still rattled in her mind. The question can only be solved with a concrete answer. She has to be something. He has to be something.
But then they looked into the mirror, still fogged up due to the hot steam. They saw their reflection, a figure of androgyny staring back at them. Their hair not short enough for masculinity, not long enough for femininity. Their facial features not round enough for the latter, not chiseled enough for the former. To be fair, they did die young, having just turned eighteen, before puberty really had a chance to settle one way or another. Is that why they’re so confused now?
Did he never get the chance to know?
…Okay, that’s an existential crisis that she didn’t need at the moment. Groaning, she placed her hand on the glass, leaving an imprint.
…Their hand, still with polish yet to be applied, remained the same.
…And it finally hits them.
It doesn’t matter.
“I’m… both. I’m neither. I’m myself and myself alone. I am an experience, no matter what!” Smiling, he began to draw on the glass, artificially giving his reflection long hair, then trying to chisel her jawline. Who cares about standards?! They can be whoever they want! That’s what their spirit desires!
Hold on… their spirit… like that one movie with the creepy puppets that got a prequel recently… what were they called again?
Spirit… the Spriton… Spriton! They don’t know how, but that name feels… perfect. It’s not what anyone would consider normal, but when has anything about their life been normal? If they want to name themselves after creepy puppets, they can do that! It’s his life. It’s her choice. And even if other people say they need to choose, they know they don’t.
“I like being a boy. I like being a girl. I like being neither. I like being both. And that’s okay.” they’ve declared to themselves, looking in the mirror, finally unfogged, just like their mind. Sure, they might wake up in a week and feel that, again, this doesn’t look right, but now they know that no matter how they present themselves, they’ll always feel right.
