One of my favourite writer, Leo Babauta once wrote about the beauty of joyfear, and how it always happened in the life defining moments in our life. It's like having not a total joy and also not a total fear, it's the mix of having both of them at the same time. For example, having a baby, it's a flood of joy to have a new life in your hands, but at the same time,the fear flooding in, asking what ifs questions that won't spoil the joy. So it's a good mixture of joy and fear itself. It's Joyfear.
Last night, I was doing a quick edit wedding video for a friend. And it took me sleeping at 2 and that was only 70% of the offline editing. So I woke up the next day and finish the rest of it by 1pm, and the party starts at 7pm. So i've reached the checkpoint, I'm saved.
And my first joy is that I get to finish it on time and I do like the video. The fear, of course, what if they don't like it? what if it became a joke during the evening and my pride is on the line. So the evening came, we screened the video, some people clapped after it's finished, I assume some people liked it. Then, some of my buddies starts showering me with compliments. And after the evening ends, the bride and groom also told me that they loved it, my super-talented photographer friend also said it's "awesome". So, they liked it. I was overflow with joy that I've done okay. Then a super flooding fear came, what if I cannot keep up with that one? what if they were just saying those things? what if tomorrow some people copy my work? what if....what if....what if... I was overflowed with questions that I myself are reluctant to find out the answer.
Then, the best advice came from a close-friend of mine. That is, sleep and chew in all the compliments and inputs I got today. Then start tomorrow with a fresh and humble beginning. I guess it's the most sustainable thing I can do. I cannot control the "what ifs" and in fact worrying will make me come up with anticipation (quoted from LaoTzu). It's the beauty of Joyfear. And truly it is beautiful with the mixture of both.