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July 12th 2015 - Day 107
Today was another volunteer shift which did not sell well and it was incredibly hot as well which wasn't nice either. However, I did get to watch a few shows with one of my friends and catch up with her. It was an okay day but I'm honestly looking forward to being done school. I'm just so excited to finally be able to relax.
I've been on tumblr so many hours, days, weeks, really, I feel that I've been here even more lately, and that's bad, cause here almost everything is stupid and rude. I mean, I laughed at my last post that is dumb as fuck. I read here a lot of feminism, society, and stuff, and when I go out to the real world, I am like "WTF" this site make me forget that the boys are boys, that you're not as free as you think, that you have to do the things that you're supposed to do. I have to spend less hours here. It's not good for me.
What questions are you most hoping will be answered in tomorrow’s episode?
playlist journal - July 11th n 12th
L8 CMMR - lily Allen
no good deed - wicked
aspidistra files - stars
June 28th,2015
Another Sunday, which means another week has come and gone. To be fair, this past week has flown by, truly. I got mail 4/5 days this week, which helps immensely, including some from a likely source. Expected mail is awesome, surprise mail is a shock to say the least. We got catch up for the third week in a row, and, chocolate pudding! I know some of you may disregard this is trivial, but when you're at the mercy of your captors, any kind of treat or added luxury is the cause of celebration, truly. It's raining and cold outside, which makes being in redzone entirely more bearable. This is the perfect day for a nap, or 3. Hopefully my lawyer has some good news, so maybe I can continue on to the next leg of my journey, and eventually back home. At the moment, I have to take things one day at a time, and focus on keeping the dark thoughts at bay. It's hard, I won't lie. The concept of ending it all seems so easy, any instant relief from the ever present impending doom that awaits me, not to mention the time involved in the aftermath. I've lost felt friends and loved ones to read this entire ordeal, people who vowed to always be there for me, simply turn their backs. No one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. It's not true what they say, you can always go back home, but apparently you're not welcome down certain streets. My porch light was always on, why isn't yours? It is what it is, I guess. This has truly been a learning experience, that is for sure. "My eyes are open wide, by the way, I made it through today" if you're reading this, and you want to write me, you may. No matter who, no matter our past, if you know me. Just sending ask, and the fantastic person who runs this blog will help you get the message to me. Until we meet again, I hope this finds you well. Sincerely, 0306743 P.S. you're a really good hider.
June 25th, 2015
Wow, is it Thursday already? Time flies when you're wearing orange… Ha, jokes. I've got an male 3/4 days this week so far, which is nice. Tonight's dinner is supposed to be spaghetti, but they have a history of changing things without notice, so I won't get my hopes up. But, just in case, I'm preparing my noodles, and quite literally sitting on the bag of "Pulled chicken in wings sauce" in preparation for the meal I'm creating. I also have some rice from the other day that I'll be mixing in, just to make it more feeling. To accompany this, I've got tortilla chips as well. Depression is prevalent today, but it seems to come and go in waves. I don't want to walk in circles, I don't want to watch TV, I just want some time in my own little world, and to be happy, and at peace inside. I called my parents early this morning, because I was under the impression we would be locked in our cells for a majority of the day. Thankfully we weren't, but it was nice to hear from them regardless. It seems my mother is more lucid and coherent in the morning is. I equate it to not being at work all day, undoubtedly. Plus the mental and physical training of watching my siblings at night. It can't be easy, and I commend all the mothers who manage to keep their sanity. There are some days when I question whether or not I'll be a good father, if I truly have what it takes to be a dad. But, as with anything, there is a learning curve, and it will come to me as time progresses. I've just finished my meal of cold ramen noodles, pulled chicken and wings sauce, jalapeño squeeze cheese, and tortilla chips, and I'm not one to break tradition, so I'll nap now. Goodnight. Sincerely, 0306743
June 24th, 2015
Today, I was scheduled to have yet another pre-trial. I wasn't really expecting to be called to the courtroom, or even a holding cell, but there was a glimmer of hope that my lawyer would come see me. It's the annoying part, that bothers me. I just like to know something other than my next court date, which I don't even know at this point. But, I just need to be patient I suppose. Every day that i'm in here is a day that I don't spend in prison, if I get any time at all in the first place. Today, an S.R.I. sergeant visited our pod, and on his side was it done. Not a normal gun, either. I was informed that fired special balls, that's when they landed and burst, they would cover and 4000 ft.² area with pepper gas, and was the poor ventilation, it wouldn't disperse for several hours. Scary stuff. My day was going well, until I spoke with my father, who kindly reminded me that things can go horribly wrong in a matter of moments, and that I'm not out of the woods by a long shot. Not exactly what someone who is already stressed out wants to hear, especially from a family member. I haven't been sleeping well lately, I can't seem to get comfortable, and I've spent a lot of time wondering where I went wrong, and just how I let myself get to this point. Tonight's dinner was the "veal" patty normally reserved for Sunday night, which begs the question – what are they planning for Sunday night? Enquiring minds want to know! Another ceiling tile fell today, and of course, no chance of fixing the roof any time soon. So, we'll just deal with the leaky ceiling, the constant slip hazard, and the black mould spreading across the wall. It's safe, right? It's little things like this to make me appreciate being out that much more. Until tomorrow, stay safe, and hug your parents. Sincerely, 0306743
June 23rd, 2015
All in all, today was a good day. I got a letter from Greg, the guy who went to prison on Monday. It broke my heart to read that he was sad, lonely, and depressed. During intake at least, he is on 23 and 1, which means he is locked in his cell for 23 hours, only allowed out for one. I can't imagine how awful that must be. Tomorrow is pre-trial for me, and hopefully my lawyer will be presenting me with a counter offer from the prosecutor. We have compelling evidence for my defence, and my lawyer is very, very good, so I have high hopes. My depression has been in check today, which is good. The Celexa they have me on seems to be doing its job. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks being here, but the medication they have me on helps keep the bad thoughts in check. Tonight's dinner was beef stew, and for being county food, it wasn't too bad. Lunch was chicken tenders, mac + cheese, and pudding. That is actually the height of culinary expertise here. Yep, it's that bad. The food is supplied by Sysco, and the truck that delivered is labelled "Grade D" on the side. Which, is the same grade as dogfood, as I understand. But like all things, I will survive this too. If these blog entry seem short, I apologise. There are some days are even writing, a passion of mine, is not an easy task. It's less about sitting down performing the act, and more about getting my mind to focus on one thing only. As I've stated before, I love each and every one of you, and I'm very grateful for anyone who takes time to read this. Sincerely, Deano
