#letters-fromtheinside

[letters-fromtheinside]

Sunday, August 16th, 2015

Day 122 - I haven't been posting these much lately, mainly because of stress level has been astronomical. Knowing my fate rests in one person's hands makes my stomach turn. My appetite is next to nothing, I cant sleep. I REALLY don't want to go to prison, but that's not up to me. Since I've posted last, I have a new cell made. The one who I did have, Paul Stambough of Parma, OH, is serving a one year prison sentence for choke slamming his wife into the ground. Drunken train wreck or not, you don't do that. At all. He seems to think he can get out in 90 days since it was in the violent crime, all because it was charged as "attempted domestic violence". Yea, no sympathy for him, none. As it stands, I may be eligible for judicial released within 180 days of getting to the sorting location, Lorain Correctional Institution. Which means I'll be spending at least 6 months in prison, on top of what I already have, so nearly a year total. April of next year or so, I'll be able to request a release. I'll still have to serve the time under certain guidelines, but at least I'll be out. Let's hope, at least. The people on here have been amazingly supportive, I can't say that enough. I've made some really great friends, ones who I hope I continue to stay in contact with once I get out. For now, I try to remain positive, as hard as it is. I can't help but wonder where I'd be if I just stayed home that day. Sincerely, 0306743

[letters-fromtheinside]

July 8th, 2015

Today has been a test of my patience, and my faith. The counter offer to the plea agreement we proposed was presented to me yesterday, and was literally so awful, my lawyer said that for him to suggest taking it would be malpractice, more or less. As much as I don’t want this to drag on any further, I’m really not ready for the concept of trial. I don’t want to speak on the events that happened, I don’t want to drag anyone through the mud, I just want it all to go away. I just want my life back. I want the few bad decisions I made along with the consequences of them all, to fade into the sunset. 13 months ago, a mistake was made. I did not act alone, in any shape or form. I just want this to all be a bad dream. I just want to go home. On the upside, the family and friends who have showed their love and support continue to lift me up, and if I ever feel alone, I can pull out their letters and see that clearly I am not. My conditions here are less than desirable, and some claim they’re actually illegal to an extent. One man cells are forced to house 2 inmates, The food portions are skimpy to say the least, there’s black mould on the ceiling where the roof leaks, gnats occupy the shower area, staf and MRSA infections are not uncommon, medical requests aren’t answered sooner than 4 weeks later, it’s literally impossible escape the overhead lights, which stay on 24/7… The list goes on and on. All I can hope for is a desirable outcome on my case. I realise this post does not reflect my usual bright and sunny nature, but it straight from the heart. I’m scared. I’m not cut out for this. If anyone who has any influence on the outcome of my case happens to read this, consider it a cry for help. Please. I can’t do this alone. Please.

Sincerely, and desperately, Me.

[letters-fromtheinside]

July 5th, 2015

Sunday night is upon us once again. I thought for sure we would be locked in all weekend due to the holiday, but thankfully we were not. Last night's fireworks weren't within eyesight, unfortunately. But I was able to hear it, and catch a glimpse here and there of a show off in the distance. As usual life and here comes to a screeching halt on the weekends, but first thing in the morning will come back, and we'll do it all over again. Depression has been bad this week, and the lack of information only compounds things, I've found. I hate being in the dark, but at the same time I have a small anxiety attack everytime I meet with the literal team of lawyers I have on my side. I can't seem to find the happy place I once had, The calm and serenity I tell people to find, has left me entirely. It's hard, knowing that life is continuing without you, and there isn't anything you can do about it. I recently started doing crossword puzzles and sudoku, just to distract myself. My writing has suffered, everything I touch seems to crumble. The less I think about life beyond these concrete walls, the better off I seem to be, but it's hard. Also, all of my phone calls now come out of one phone card, that I have to pay for. So the daily requirements of calling my parents now affects my ability to call other people. There are some people have been less than understanding of this fact. But that's okay I suppose. I can only affects so much of what goes on, and the rest I just have to let go. My cellmate has reached a new level of boundary crossing. I've been asked to rub ointment all over his back, on the fungus growing under his skin. Publicly. It sucks that he has that, I'm sure, but that falls outside the scope of my responsibility, frankly. He's managed since he was 18 without my help, I think you can do you a little longer. How are sub-par dinner is here. Until next time. Sincerely, 0306743

[letters-fromtheinside]

July 2nd, 2015

Oh happy days, letter from my father containing money from my commissary arrived. I've been stressing out all week, since normally it takes eight days for any and all mail to be processed, and was only three dollars, I would have little to no food for the upcoming week. Not to mention, no phone calls at that. The fact that I haven't heard from my lawyers at all since the 8th of last month is worrisome to me to say the least. Surely there has to be some sort of developments, even small ones. This upcoming weekend is 4 July, which means we'll be locked in our cells the entire weekend, as shortstaffed as we are. But that means I have more time to write, I guess. NANOWRIMO Is coming up in November, and, if I'm still locked up, I'm going to participate. With as much as I write as it is, it would be silly not to. I have three months to prepare a theme, and then 31 days to make it happen. With an ink pen, no less! I'm trying to stay positive, and distracted, but it's hard to do, really. Letters from friends and family help, they really do. And when I get sad and distracted from the discouraging nature of this place, I can open them up, and lose myself in the kind words of those who support me. Lunch was Salisbury steak, and unseasoned pasta, which is entirely better than "cop out sandwiches", or bologna, cheese, and mustard. I also had to peanut butter and jelly sandwich is, because I'm 5. And some chips. I was hungry, okay? Dinner is horrible spaghetti, so I'll be creating a classic favourite of mine – the news from a ramen packet, pulled chicken in wings sauce, and jalapeño cheese, mixed together on a potato chip bag. Cold. That is a highly treasured meal in here, next to what we're usually served. In other news, and inmate was led out in handcuffs yesterday for making sexual advances towards his cellmate. I wish I was kidding. This was after he walked up the stairs with his ass hanging out of his pants. Entirely. Just another day in 11B. Naptime for me, dear reader. Sincerely, 0306743

[letters-fromtheinside]

June 30th, 2015.

It seems that some people must love being in jail, based on the amount of repeat offenders we have on here. One gentleman in particular, was released yesterday, and went to the library. To look up the home address of the C.O.. He went to his house at 9 PM last night, asking for work, and begged to be allowed to sleep in the garage. He was asked to leave, and the C.O.s wife called the police. They immediately knew who he was. The person in question then called the cops racist and then spit on their shoes. He was blessed with more than justified beat down by Lakewood police. Why, would you look up the address of a guard, and visit his home at 9 at night, expecting positive results? What makes you honestly think anything good could come out of that situation? Today was intentionally quiet for me. we were locked in our room is for the first half of the day, and I slept through the second half intentionally. The more you sleep, the less time you have to think. This is a mixed blessing, really. When it all seems like too much, sleep helps things. But at the same time, the quiet solace of your cell is comforting in the sense that you're afforded an opportunity to reflect on your past, your present, and your future. My case is starting to get the best of me, I fear. My happy demeanour is often replaced by sadness and depression. A lot of it has to do with my cell mates demeanour, since I am locked in a room with him on a nightly basis. Admittedly, it's difficult to maintain my faith with him using religion to justify his actions. At times, it makes me not want to believe at all. But, I'm reminded by the little things throughout the day, that I am in fact loved, blessed, and cared for. I will survive this, and come out a stronger person. It's just going to be hard. Tomorrow is a new day, which means a chance for more mail, more experiences, and an opportunity to better myself. I know this blog isn't the cheeriest at times, but what it is, is sincere. I promise never to convey feelings which aren't true, or to paint my situation as anything other than what it is. Thank you all for reading. Sincerely, 0306743

[letters-fromtheinside]

June 29th, 2015

I'm incredibly homesick, and I can't seem to shake this weight off my shoulders tonight. I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss my house. I miss my truck. I miss my cats. I miss my dog. I miss my fish. I miss my yard. I miss painted walls. I'm sitting on things that weren't made of steel. I miss the sun. I miss carpet. I'm miss feeling the wind in my face. I miss rain. I miss the warm smile of a cashier. I miss phone calls that weren't $0.21 per minute. I miss opening my own mail. I miss being able to cross the hall without being frisked from head to toe. I miss showering alone. I miss toilets that weren't made of stainless steel. I miss looking in mirrors that were actually mirrors. I miss drinking out of a straw. I miss eating off of a plate. I miss having lights that turned off. I miss windows are opened. I miss beds that were semi-soft. I'm miss going to bed when I wanted to. I miss falling asleep on the couch. I miss making my own meals. I miss watching movies when I felt like it. I miss the sound of birds. I miss watching squirrels. I miss music. I miss soaking in a hot bath. I miss the smell of cologne. I miss the taste of juice. I miss the crunch of leaves under my feet. I miss the texture of grass. I miss the sound of a dog lapping at a water bowl. I miss the feeling of being held. I miss the feeling of a soft hand on my back while I'm half awake. I miss being smile that. I miss comfortable silences. I miss being on Skype for hours and hours. I miss going on adventures. I miss getting shakes. I miss exploring cities. I miss riding in the car, sometimes 10 hours at a time. I miss running. I miss biscuits and gravy every weekend. I missed calling biscuits "scones". I miss telling you that a song reminded me of you and I. I miss zoo trips. I miss smiling in the morning. I miss little moments. I miss you.

[letters-fromtheinside]

June 28th,2015

Another Sunday, which means another week has come and gone. To be fair, this past week has flown by, truly. I got mail 4/5 days this week, which helps immensely, including some from a likely source. Expected mail is awesome, surprise mail is a shock to say the least. We got catch up for the third week in a row, and, chocolate pudding! I know some of you may disregard this is trivial, but when you're at the mercy of your captors, any kind of treat or added luxury is the cause of celebration, truly. It's raining and cold outside, which makes being in redzone entirely more bearable. This is the perfect day for a nap, or 3. Hopefully my lawyer has some good news, so maybe I can continue on to the next leg of my journey, and eventually back home. At the moment, I have to take things one day at a time, and focus on keeping the dark thoughts at bay. It's hard, I won't lie. The concept of ending it all seems so easy, any instant relief from the ever present impending doom that awaits me, not to mention the time involved in the aftermath. I've lost felt friends and loved ones to read this entire ordeal, people who vowed to always be there for me, simply turn their backs. No one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. It's not true what they say, you can always go back home, but apparently you're not welcome down certain streets. My porch light was always on, why isn't yours? It is what it is, I guess. This has truly been a learning experience, that is for sure. "My eyes are open wide, by the way, I made it through today" if you're reading this, and you want to write me, you may. No matter who, no matter our past, if you know me. Just sending ask, and the fantastic person who runs this blog will help you get the message to me. Until we meet again, I hope this finds you well. Sincerely, 0306743 P.S. you're a really good hider.

[letters-fromtheinside]

June 25th, 2015

Wow, is it Thursday already? Time flies when you're wearing orange… Ha, jokes. I've got an male 3/4 days this week so far, which is nice. Tonight's dinner is supposed to be spaghetti, but they have a history of changing things without notice, so I won't get my hopes up. But, just in case, I'm preparing my noodles, and quite literally sitting on the bag of "Pulled chicken in wings sauce" in preparation for the meal I'm creating. I also have some rice from the other day that I'll be mixing in, just to make it more feeling. To accompany this, I've got tortilla chips as well. Depression is prevalent today, but it seems to come and go in waves. I don't want to walk in circles, I don't want to watch TV, I just want some time in my own little world, and to be happy, and at peace inside. I called my parents early this morning, because I was under the impression we would be locked in our cells for a majority of the day. Thankfully we weren't, but it was nice to hear from them regardless. It seems my mother is more lucid and coherent in the morning is. I equate it to not being at work all day, undoubtedly. Plus the mental and physical training of watching my siblings at night. It can't be easy, and I commend all the mothers who manage to keep their sanity. There are some days when I question whether or not I'll be a good father, if I truly have what it takes to be a dad. But, as with anything, there is a learning curve, and it will come to me as time progresses. I've just finished my meal of cold ramen noodles, pulled chicken and wings sauce, jalapeño squeeze cheese, and tortilla chips, and I'm not one to break tradition, so I'll nap now. Goodnight. Sincerely, 0306743