It’s been awhile since I’ve written and A L O T has happened since I last posted. A L O T .
First off, I moved back home. It wasn’t that I was afraid or scared to have the baby out in the states... It’s just the type of support and environment that I need more than anything. Nothing beats home. Nothing beats the people who have known you for your whole life and who will forever love and support you. It’s good to be home. I definitely feel so much more comfortable going through this pregnancy and having my family, most especially my mom to help me through all this. But as I stay home and mind you, I’m like 200% more emotional and in tuned with my feelings, I feel like I did when I graduated from high school. Guam is great and it will always be home, and someday I do plan on coming back to bring my experience to help progress Guam. But I know there is so much more I could do in the states... (that’s a whole other post really.)
Second, me and Chris are no longer together, as a couple. It’s nothing bad on his part and he didn’t do anything wrong at all. He’s been so supportive and helpful from the minute we found out we were expecting. Just like I said, with pregnancy you are more emotional and I guess for me, I am more courageous to say how I feel because holding it in is just not an option anymore. The effect it could have on the rest of my pregnancy and on my baby is not worth it... So I was honest with myself and was honest with Chris. My feelings for him were just not as strong as they should be and trust me, I wish it were different. Because I wanted to give my children a so much better life than I had, being in between two separated parents... it’s not easy. Till this day, it is still not easy.. and I wanted so bad to give my children so much better. But things can’t always happened the way we planned (something I learned from a previous experience) but the only thing we can do is make the best of it. I told Chris that he is still welcomed into his kid’s life because I know that no matter what, he’ll be supportive and love our kid with his whole life. But I couldn’t lie to myself and I sure didn’t want to lie to my kid... to give them a fantasy that I longed for with my parents. With past experiences, especially with relationships, I’ve learned that you have to be true to yourself and how you feel. Otherwise, you’ll never be happy. You’ll never be satisfied with the life you have. No matter the situation I know that me and Chris will make it work for our baby, because above all... that is what comes first in life now, is our baby.
Lastly, this pregnancy has been an interesting one. I’ve definitely felt alot during the past 18 weeks. But I’ve also felt so much happiness and excited for my little love. I wish time can fast forward to where I get to meet the love of my life... but people say sometimes pregnancy is a great experience. So I’m soaking it all in, the headaches, stretching, eating, and cravings and all.
