The Pregnancy Period

[thepreggodays]

Seasons change.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written and A L O T has happened since I last posted. A L O T . 

First off, I moved back home. It wasn’t that I was afraid or scared to have the baby out in the states... It’s just the type of support and environment that I need more than anything. Nothing beats home. Nothing beats the people who have known you for your whole life and who will forever love and support you. It’s good to be home. I definitely feel so much more comfortable going through this pregnancy and having my family, most especially my mom to help me through all this. But as I stay home and mind you, I’m like 200% more emotional and in tuned with my feelings, I feel like I did when I graduated from high school. Guam is great and it will always be home, and someday I do plan on coming back to bring my experience to help progress Guam. But I know there is so much more I could do in the states... (that’s a whole other post really.)

Second, me and Chris are no longer together, as a couple. It’s nothing bad on his part and he didn’t do anything wrong at all. He’s been so supportive and helpful from the minute we found out we were expecting. Just like I said, with pregnancy you are more emotional and I guess for me, I am more courageous to say how I feel because holding it in is just not an option anymore. The effect it could have on the rest of my pregnancy and on my baby is not worth it... So I was honest with myself and was honest with Chris. My feelings for him were just not as strong as they should be and trust me, I wish it were different. Because I wanted to give my children a so much better life than I had, being in between two separated parents... it’s not easy. Till this day, it is still not easy.. and I wanted so bad to give my children so much better. But things can’t always happened the way we planned (something I learned from a previous experience) but the only thing we can do is make the best of it. I told Chris that he is still welcomed into his kid’s life because I know that no matter what, he’ll be supportive and love our kid with his whole life. But I couldn’t lie to myself and I sure didn’t want to lie to my kid... to give them a fantasy that I longed for with my parents. With past experiences, especially with relationships, I’ve learned that you have to be true to yourself and how you feel. Otherwise, you’ll never be happy. You’ll never be satisfied with the life you have. No matter the situation I know that me and Chris will make it work for our baby, because above all... that is what comes first in life now, is our baby.

Lastly, this pregnancy has been an interesting one. I’ve definitely felt alot during the past 18 weeks. But I’ve also felt so much happiness and excited for my little love. I wish time can fast forward to where I get to meet the love of my life... but people say sometimes pregnancy is a great experience. So I’m soaking it all in, the headaches, stretching, eating, and cravings and all. 

[thepreggodays]

May 3rd 2016

I can remember it so clearly and vividly.

I woke up like any other day. It was a Thursday so I was able to sleep in and I had a final paper due for my Child Development class, so I was mostly worried about that. But I was late for my T.O.M. and I was talking with my roommate Tiffany the day before. And like her, she said its better to know than to find out later... so she bought a pregnancy test for me. I woke up to a text that morning from her saying where it was and unknowingly just took it to be sure.

I walked into that bathroom having the notion that it wasn’t going to be positive... because of previous relationships and all of that. But I was pretty convinced that it was going to be negative. So I wasn’t panicked or worried, because it was probably the last thing on my mind. 3 minutes later... I pick up the roll of tissue off the test and it was positive. I looked at it and I freaked for a second, but I think I didn’t believe it enough to like have a melt down or be excited or whatever feelings that would have come with finding out. I was too focused on my paper that I told myself that I need to finish my paper (because I was almost about to fail the class) and then worry about this later. 

So I went through the day, with the knowledge that I was pregnant, but it didn’t hit me yet. I went to school and saw Chris. We have the same class so he was stressing about the paper too. But on our way to work on our paper, he asked if I had gotten my period for that month. So I couldn’t lie to him and I had to tell him...

Chris reaction was expected. He was shocked, as I was myself. He cried (lol sorry I ratted you out babe) and he was worried. He didn’t even want to finish his paper because this was bothering him too much. I mean yes, our lives had changed in that instant... but at the same time, we needed to focus on our studies so I told him, sort of forced him, to finish his paper and after we would be able to talk about everything. Before we went back to working on our paper, Chris reassured me that he was all in and he wanted to do whatever he can for a better life for our baby. It brought me to tears... knowing that I wasn’t going to have to go through it alone. 

We finished our papers and went into class, even if we didn’t really want to go to class. It was ironic that class that day because one, our discussion revolved around pregnant women and how they have raging hormones that causes mood swings and such and two, there was an actual kid in our class sitting right in front of us. Out of all days, those two things had to happen... It was as if the world was telling us that this was really happening and to face it. 

After class, we went back to my apartment. I took another test, just to confirm once more that this was real. There again, on that pregnancy test was a positive result. It was happening. This was real and it was happening to me. It was then that it hit me. It was then after all my stress and worry about everything I was dealing with at the time was done and over, I felt it all. I cried. I cried alot. Chris cried too. It wasn’t because we felt like it was mistake, because its not. No child is a mistake; it is a great blessing. It was unplanned, of course. Me and Chris are both finishing college and we still had so much we wanted to do. But we understand that it is not the end of the world and we will not be able to finish our goals... We still are going to work hard to achieve our goals especially for our baby. But luckily we are able to share our new accomplishments and experiences with our baby.

March 3rd is a date that changed our lives forever.