#jumbledthoughts

[jaffacc-blog]

Earth to Mars is the space between us on this king size bed

I reach out with words but they fall on deaf ears

I reach out for love but my fingers graze only your back

I hurt with every inward sigh,impatient tut, condescending stare.

[youmustlikenicfornic]

Pandemic got me feeling all kinda ways😅This was the first day I was able to make some sense of it😬🙈 #MentalHealth #NeuroDiverseSquad #NVLD #RambledThoughts #JumbledThoughts https://www.instagram.com/p/CD9FPi4leRH/?igshid=n3h2upqquur9

[ashleighmoria-blog1]

Best worst-trait.

Has anyone else gotten to the point in their anxiety that anxiety/panic attack’s are few and far between (like once or twice a month, maybe even less, I don’t know).. but like the daily struggle is all the little voices in your head? You aren’t crazy, they are all your voice but with different tones and attitudes? All having a conversation amongst themselves and it doesn’t include you, but it is you. Each one has a different sentence that they add, making different connections to each thought.. and it’s so incredibly overwhelming that you can’t make a decision when that’s what set the whole thing off. Like you have to make a decision or you had a conversation and now all these tiny voices are going over every detail, every way a situation can go, or saying things that don’t have anything to do with what you were initially thinking about.

This is my daily struggle, but sometimes I think it’s my best trait. Having so many thoughts about one situation helps me problem solve sometimes, like about not-so-serious things. Like grocery shopping. I’m living with my mom again and we’ve recently talked about a better way to shop. I thought about it a lot and finally came to her with my idea, when all the voices in my head came to a decision on the way to do it. They are like a little jury sometimes. “And the vertic is: we all contribute said amount towards essentials and also still shop for ourselves!” It was a little more complicated but not really.

Anyway, anxiety has been an interesting thing for me. I’m kind of becoming friends with her. But she’s like that friend that gets on my nerves so I “try” to avoid her for a time only to get sucked back into the drama with her. But I’m trying to accept her because she’s never been anything other than what she is.

Happy Monday again..!

[slimbanks]

(Mis-)Adventures In 👨‍🍳-ing 6/18/2018: I went in on some #torontopadthai this evening......with plenty of backup (via fridge raid). I was missing two ingredients (it’s getting late and I was hurrying), but this didn’t turn out bad at all. #cookingchronicles #keepingitrealchronicles #jumbledmess #jumbledthoughts

[jpkmind-blog]

Going to start expressing my thoughts again... Online diary?

Sept 22 2016

I remember when I first started this... I can’t believe I managed to find my tumblr again... I tried so hard to stay consistent but obviously that failed...

But I’ve been writing a lot, keeping a little moleskin in my bag, jotting down goals, quotes, dreams... to-do list, schedules and etc... But I guess I can express a bit more when I’m typing it out right?

Well tonight, this Thursday night... I was feeling a bit uneasy, a little down, negative... and I searched how to stay positive during hard times... Needless to say, oh and I do feel a bit better, but .... yeah...

In Seligman’s book, he cites 3 crucial dimensions to changing the dialogue in our head: Permanent, Pervasive and Personalization. (We need to PRACTICE OPTIMISM) LIKE WHY are human beings so negative... why do we always focus on the bad? HUH I am not that type of person... what happened to the bright smiley Jane...

Anyways...

It’s not PERMANENT: When adversity strikes, don’t think your bad time will last forever.

It’s not PERVASIVE: Don’t think that it happens all the time.

Don’t PERSONALIZE it: Can’t take all of the blame

Change your thoughts, and your life will follow. 

Why am I down? Well.. I mean I didn’t plan for my life to ever be in this situation.. I mean I knew our family was struggling but I was always working.. I always made money... and now.. school tuition, loans, debt... I can’t believe all of this accumulated. Redlands debt collector called me... I really need to set up a payment fast soon... Need to graduate and finally move on... I’ve been stressed about Jason.. always worrying about our conversations, on how to keep the “spark lively...” Anxious that I’m boring or theres nothing to talk about... but honestly, screw all that.

Note to self: Just try your best Jane.. and knowing that you did your best and it didn’t work out... then it wasn’t meant to be. But DON’T give up now.. cause you haven’t given your best. You need to prioritize WHAT IS IMPORTANT to you, focus on yourself, and the rest will come along. Jason yes, he is important, I do prioritize him.... but I do know Mother comes first... and my education. My career and what I want to do..

What the fuck do you want to do Jane. Stop being a lazy ass and start working on yourself. YES YES you’re working out, eating pretty gosh dang healthy.. but theres more to yourself than this outer appearance. Stay competitive... Ask questions, and pray.... Don’t lose your faith... Ask for help, build relationships... and most of all... EXPRESS GRATITUDE. 

Be thankful...

That is all.... rumble rumble..

[smallspeck]

Change

I QUIT QUIT QUITTTTTTTTTTT!!!! have to go back for clearance tomorrow BAHAHHAA.no one cares. i dont. its weird, i dont feel especially happy or sad.i just feel numb. this half yr has been so exhausting physically and mentally draining. or maybe the fact that i have to pay the company back is just making me not happy haha. i know i escaped an unhappy place but i feel that some ppl might think im weak or cannot stand the pressure or whatever. but i shouldnt be bothered abt this people right? technically, i left coz of dance. which ppl might still think its the stupidest reason ever. coz its not worth paying back. only wish i could get my hair back.

but i think i definitely rushed into joining and thats why im afraid of my next step. i dont want history to repeat itself. hopefully not. i also think its coz i lost sight of my goal. well a little. i would have gotten money in ma bank but would have given up time. i need to not lose sight of my goal again. sigh.

[walkourownway]

People grow and things don't stay the same. The world revolves around change. Where would anything be if nothing changed? What about us a individuals? I've grown to realize the importance of change for myself. Yet, there are nights like tonight that have me thinking of you, wishing to be now what we were before. There are days when I have nothing to do but sit with my thoughts, and they tell me all the mistakes I've made. My thoughts are slowing me down and I no longer know which is worse. A lack of progress or longing too much for things to stay the same.

[spiritsdesire]

Twist your knife I'm already stained