Someone I knew passed away this morning in a bike accident. He wasn't a good friend but I knew him. Now I can't get all this weird shitty thoughts out o my head. I remember I bought my first ever Big Day Out ticket off him because he had just broken up with V so he didn't want to go. It was sold out and I decided last minute I wanted to go. Lucky I found his ticket. I had the time of my life. I remember when he came drop off that ticket at my house and I opened the door and thinking "so glad you broke up with your gf because I get a cheap ticket to a sold out concert and you ate far too good looking". Whenever we'd see each other we'd say the polite hello and we partied together a couple of times. I saw him get into many fights. But he was a good sort. He was a bit of a sleaze bit every one I those has a girl that will calm them down. And he started going out with he prettiest girl. I can't even begin to imagine how E is feeling right now. They went out so long ago and broke up but they had been so involved in each other lives recently I think they were getting back together. She is such a cool girl and he made her so happy. She wasn't ready to say goodbye. Fuck we are all so young still. It is crazy when someone dies so unexpectedly. And his sister. Neo. She always has been such a tough girl but I can't even picture how she would react right now. It is such an insane thought having to deal with losing someone who have known your whole life. A sibling is like a life friend. Someone you can fight with a million and one times and know that they will always be there to help you pick up the pieces. Fuck. I am so weak and such a cry baby. I have tears running down my face because of someone I knew but was never close with has died. I hate how I feel everything 12346890987653 times more than other people. I hope I die before everyone I care about because there is no fucking way I could deal with losing someone I love and care for beyond words. I can't believe I'm feeling like this. It makes me feel worse that those sort of thoughts cross my mind. But I suppose death always wakes some sort of dormant thoughts within us. It also makes me question whether I am wasting my life away. Or if what I'm doing is right and whatever. I bumped into someone today, someone I thought I would never cross paths with again in my life. I went to Sydney like 2.5 years ago with 7 other friends and we stayed at this back packers where we met some cool people. But this one guy Benny. He was fascinating. He was from Hawaii, had lived in Bali and heaps of other places around the world with all these different jobs. He was covered in tattoos and had a blonde beard. He had the coolest stories and he was so fun to party with. He also fell off his bunk bed, got a concussion and a broken finger. I have not seen this guy or spoken to him since that trip over two years ago. I go away on holiday and voila! I bump into him. Living here, then off to Spain. Living the dream. People say you only live once so might as well make it worth it. He seems to be making the most of it. And just with C this morning, then bumping into Benny. It's got me thinking whether in living my life right? I've got a degree, getting my masters. Planning on getting a job to get some experience then maybe travel. I want kids at +/- 30 but be married before I have kids. Have a stable career and a house. Obviously it won't be paid off by then but it's a nice thought. But in reality, I have no savings, no work experience and I am scared to get into a r/ship because people are mean. I don't even want to think about my future because it scares me. Specially because nothing ever goes according to plan. But that's all seem to be planning for right now. BIG, BIG, BIG sigh. I am not even going to reread over this. Don't care about any mistakes. Just going to post and maybe I can fall asleep before 12 tonight. x
