He'd thought He'd be able to hear her singing to herself in the shower or whilst she cooked- these being the usual sounds that greeted him whenever he walked through the door in the middle of the day.
But instead...there was nothing.
It had only been a few days since he'd walked out, but it felt like it had been months. He looked around for signs of her; a cup on the table, a blanket on the sofa...but nothing had changed.
It was like she hadn't been here at all – like she was a ghost.
His coffee cup was still on the table where he'd left it the night before the argument, and his iron man spoon was still drying on the washing board in the kitchen. His shoes were still half kicked under the sofa and as he shuffled slowly down the hall he saw that his bag was still dumped on the floor, the contents spilling out and reminding him of the struggle they'd had.
As soon as he'd got back to the dorm the day he'd left he'd felt like a stranger...the other guys had looked at him with expressions of concern but he'd just ignored them and gone back to the bedroom he used to share with Namjoon, sighing when he'd seen the older boy had decided to use his bed as his new closet, and having to shuffle some clothes out of the way so that he could curl up on it, not bothering to get under the covers where he was so distracted by thoughts he didn't want to be having.
Why had he left?
Why had he shouted at her when it was his own fault for wanting too much?
Why had he chose his job over her?
...Why did he come back?
That was the one question he wanted the answer to in that moment, especially as he stood before the bedroom door with the sign hanging above it that he'd made for her himself, the cheesy phrase 'Where dreams come true' taunting him as it stared him in the eye. He stood there for a while facing the door, not being able to bring himself to open it just in case she was on the other side; feeling too scared to face her and see how much he'd hurt her...or how much better off she was without him.
He remembered the first night he’d stayed with her...
‘Are you sure its okay? Are you sure you want me to stay?’ he asked for the 10th time since he’d put the suggestion across, the two of them continuing up the stairs toward her apartment after the bowling date they’d just been on- this being the 3rd that week.
‘Would i have said yes otherwise?’ she asks with a chuckle, the slight tremor to her voice hinting at her nervousness, and the sound simultaneously excites and worries Jungkook, provoking thoughts that taunted him about whether he should have asked in the first place as his heart battles between anxiety and something he couldn’t identify- but which he’d later come to know was a mix of love and lust.
‘You can still say no.’ he murmurs as they finally make it to the door to her apartment, and he watches her slide the cover away from the keypad, about to type in the code, but stopping when she suddenly turns to look at him.
‘Do you want me to?’
Its in the way her smile drops quickly, the light in her eyes dulling as she peers up at him timidly, appearing to think he’d changed his mind, whilst revealing so obviously how much she wanted him to stay, that gives Jungkook the confidence in his decision. He lets go of her hand to circle his arms around her waist, adrenaline still pumping through him in his nervous excitement, but he’s unable to stop the smile making its way onto his face as he pulls her into him, slowly lowering his mouth to hers to drop a timid suspenseful kiss on her lips, before letting out the breath he’d been holding and capturing her mouth properly with his own.
When he pulled away a minute later, blood rushing to all ends of his body, and his heart beating triple the time that it usually did in his chest, he knows his answer as surely as he knew how right his decision had been to ask her in the first place.
‘Open the door...I need you now.’
He finds himself touching his lips as he remembers that kiss, door still staring him in the face as the memory fades, and a mocking voice whispering in his mind, telling him he’d fucked up the best decision he’d ever made.
Why...why did he have to push her away?
His frustration at himself forces his hand to reach out for the handle, but as soon as his palm makes contact with the cold metal he’s freezing once more, his heart beating harshly against his ribs in fear as his mind runs wild with imaginings of the sight he’d be greeted with.
After living with her for well over a year, he knew she’d be at work in that moment, which is why he’d come round in the first place; so that he could collect his things without hurting her further, simply wanting to wipe himself from her life so that she could move on without feeling pain from what he’d done to her any longer.
He hadn’t paid attention to the smaller voice coming from his heart that was whispering for him to stay till she returned, to beg her to take him back-
-the voice that was arguing that he was hurting too.
He couldn’t help but let his mind replay the memory of the first time she’d found him collapsed in the middle of the apartment as he leans his forehead against the door. He’d only come round when she’d began shaking him, the fear in her voice forcing him from his exhaustive state to be able to look up at her blearily.
‘Kookie, what happened? Please-please speak to me! Shall i call an ambulance? Tell me what you need-’
‘I’m fine. I just need to sleep.’ he barely manages to whisper, fighting desperately against his exhaustion after practicing for almost 17 hours straight, wanting to soothe the worry and panic he could hear in her voice, but also feeling his loss of control of himself as it rushed at him like a tidal wave.
‘O-okay...’
It wasn’t until he’d woken up, that he’d began to realize just what she did to him;...just how much she meant.
‘Mmmh, how did i get here?’
Upon opening his eyes he found himself staring up at the plain white ceiling of her bedroom, taking a moment to distinguish that was in fact what it was, before turning his head in confusion to try and work out how he’d got there, only to see her laid out next to him, her hands tucked underneath her cheek as she slept peacefully, fading grey circles lining beneath her eyes.
He didn’t need a degree in some fancy college subject to work out that she’d somehow managed to carry him to bed, when he’d gone to stretch, realizing she’d also tucked him under the covers and removed his socks so that he wouldn’t get too hot. Looking around the room, he also found a full glass of water on the nightstand, along with an abundance of pain killers and anti-nausea tablets, sitting next to all of it, a pack of cookies and an apple.
She’d thought of everything...all in the effort to make sure he would be okay.
‘God...I love her...-’
‘hm? Oh! You’re awake...do you feel be-’
His lips crashing against hers has the words stopping short as they try to escape her where she’d woken up to find him awake, her lips instead being pre-occupied by his as he holds her waist, gripping her gently with his hands, before pulling her closer into him, needing to convey just how much what she’d done had meant to him.
‘Sorry for taking your socks off...I know you like to keep them on, but i just thought-’
‘I know.’ he breathes against her lips as he smiles, connecting his mouth to hers once more with a lingering kiss, before hugging her tightly into him.
Its only when a drop of moisture drips onto his hand as it lay flat against the wood of the door that he realizes he’s crying, and he finds himself sliding down the surface to the floor as quiet cries leave him, sobs beginning to rack his entire body as soon as his back lays flat against the wood.
How could he let her go?
How could he be so stupid...to think that he could live without her?
He thought he’d be able to focus more on work if he pushed her away, if he cut his feelings for her out of his mind...
...but the truth was...she was the only thing that held him together when things really got tough.
...she was the only one who could make it all better.
His brain taunts him with sounds of her return as he cries painfully into his arms;
-the way she’d softly close the door when she got home so that she didn’t wake him when she returned, even though 40/50 Jungkook would force himself to stay awake so that he could fall asleep with her.
-the way she’d hang her keys next to his on the hook, the little tinkling of the metal on metal signalling that she was attaching the usual post it to his key chain that he found every morning, the one that said ‘You can do it, my Kookie.’’
-the way she’d check to see if he’d eaten anything, before sighing in the most adorably frustrated way when she saw he hadn’t in his tiredness, before beginning to shuffle quietly towards the bedroom; her approach dainty, yet purposeful.
-the way she’d walk down the corridor, picking up the clothes he’d discarded on the floor as he’d got ready for bed, too tired to take the time to hang them back up, or put them in the washing basket, muttering about giving him a scolding, that he’d never receive.
-the way she stop outside the door and read the sign he’d made for her...
‘Where dreams come true.’
Its only when his own words are echoed back at him that he looks up, and he feels the air get snatched from his lungs.
He cant move. Even when he registers that it really was her stood before him, her hair in disarray from the bustling night wind outside, and her eyes hung with bags where she’d been working so hard...on top of most likely having cried herself to sleep for the past few nights.
‘Jungkook...what are you doing here?’
Her words are broken, her voice scratchy and raw, and he can feel a pain splinter at his heart in response to how much he’d hurt her, the sight so obviously displayed before him making his eyes well up again, and he reaches a shaky hand up to try and wipe the tears away, despite the fact they just keep coming.
‘Jungkook-’
‘I cant.’
The words come out without him making the decision to say them, his heart racing when he realizes he’d spoken, but he doesn’t try to resist looking up at her, scanning her face for her reaction and seeing her draw in a shaky breath with the reminder the words bring, the two singular words being the last thing he’d said to her before he’d left.
‘-Jungkook-’
‘I cant let you go.’
This time he sees the way she bows her head. He sees the way she lets the tears fall from her eyes as she clasps her arms around her ribcage trying to hold back her sobs. But its as soon as he sees the way her knees are shaking, her hands following suit where they were curled around her elbows, that he reaches up to clasp her fingers in his, letting out his own choked sob as he pulls her down to the floor with him, opening his legs to sit her between them so that he could clutch her to him with his whole body.
It had been enough to see how badly he’d hurt her for Jungkook to realize that he never wanted her to feel that way again, for him to understand just how badly his words had affected her.
And he knew it would take a while, on whatever level; conscious, or subconscious, for her to fully come back to him, if she even agreed to...
...but for now...in this moment it was enough...
...with her held tightly in his arms, the feel of her warm body safely encased in his own, and with her breaths slowly growing less shaky against his neck where she’d buried her face searching for confirmation of him...
Well singing being my first love i frequently do that. However dancing is something i enjoy doing as well. #bts #fire not a dance cover just grooving on the beats. #btsarmy #asian #asianmen #kpop #indiankpopfan #btsfire #dance #indianblogger #assamese #kpopfan #kpopdance #freestyle #indiandancer #suga #rapmonster #v #jungkuk #jhope #jimin #jin #bangtanboys (at Laimu, Shillong)
