Did I ever have a dream?
I remember when I was five, I used to love learning about space. I had so many dream careers, like becoming an astronaut, an actor, or someone who is really good at chess or some other sport. I didn't really love studying that much as a kid, since I wasn't the brightest. As I grew, all those adults told me to be a doctor or engineer and that other careers are a waste of time; they are not worth it. I was used to the fact that I should go into these two fields only. I don't think I was the brightest in school. Indian education never left any space for me to be creative and find my passion. I used to wonder why I'm not like others or why there's no one to teach me stuff. I had to learn everything myself since I was nine; no one really helped me. My parents were busy with my younger sister, so I had to teach myself how to learn. However, despite that, I couldn't be the best, just average. They say you find your dreams when you are in tenth grade (sophomore year of high school), but I did not; I let my parents decide. I remember there was a time I did fall in love with computers; they have always been part of my life. I did pretty well in computer science courses back in school and decided I wanted to go with this. When university started, I don't know what changed, but education in the United States might have saved me in a way. The courses I used to struggle with in India were the same courses I started performing well in because it was being taught in a way that let me use my mind and not teaching me how to follow step one, two, or three. However, there was a downside: my computer science courses, which I admitted to enjoying, were the same reason why I fell behind. Everyone seemed to know what they were doing, and then there was I, who was trying her best. I was so good at computer science before, but after a point, I realized maybe I am not. Despite all these struggles, I kept going, kept trying, but here is a thing: 2024 was one of my worst years. I lost everything—including my dream. My dream was to do something great for the world, to create something meaningful, something that can help others with a problem they are facing. I thought computer science was the perfect major to do this, but oh boy, I was wrong. I lost my motivation, my dream, and everything about me, including myself. Recovering from this is not easy, thinking that you are behind is not easy, trying your hardest is not enough since everyone is better, losing your dream, which is the worst of them all, and finding it again. It is like I am an ocean on another planet, where I cannot breathe or swim. I keep trying to hold my breath, to not drown, to survive, but something is pulling me down. I didn't know what it was, but I realized maybe I never even had a dream; maybe I am not in the right major, maybe I am not made for it, but then what was I made for if not this? My parents told me this was the one, and for a while, I thought this was the one. I don't see myself living some other dream, but I can't reach my dream. If there is a God out there, I would love to ask him why he put me through so much pain and agony when my only goal is to help others, to give happiness to others, and to be happy myself. What did he send me here for? What is my purpose?
I don't know when I will get an answer. I will keep trying, because all that keeps me going is some hope to get better someday, even when I should not have any left.
