#juno journal

[juniper-latte]

According to assessments through my benefits app that asks me to retake them about every week or so since I first did them, I am still severely depressed.

While I've been managing okay the last couple of weeks, and I can even act normally lately, I'm still crumbling easily at the slightest stressor, so it's difficult;; All the same thoughts and numb feelings continue to follow me.

It's caused something to come back recently though, and... It's been stressing me out, though it's also oddly comforting. It's just weird that there are more now. Something about it makes me sad too.

[deniedpoppy]

Day... what day is it?

I've been trying to write something frivolous and fun all day. Do I want to edge... or eat... or shower... or sleep? I have a gorgeous new toy. It's glass. It's pretty. I want to edge my brains out with it. Can't really move though. Going into sleep deprivation fetish territory here. So tired I can't even think. I'd probably do anything he says now. Except maybe jumping jacks. Definitely not with clamps attached from my clit to my nipples. ...terrible idea. Kind of hot idea. So tired. Normal service will resume tomorrow.

[deniedpoppy]

Day 7: Begging for a ruin

“I…I want to try something. It might be a bad idea.”

He smiled. “What is it?”

I stuttered, and blushed, and hesitated, as I struggled to tell him that I want… I want to ruin an orgasm.

The last time I ruined an orgasm, I felt so awful, I was unable to recover without a full orgasm. It made me feel absolutely miserable, and I didn’t get horny again afterwards.

But maybe it’s different now. Now that I have his help. His guidance. His voice in my ear.

Now that he can talk me through it. Make me aware of what I’m begging him to do. Make me realise what I am, what I want, what I need.

Now that he can comfort me afterwards. Tell me it’s going to be okay. Tell me that he will let me cum again, someday.

And he can make it worse. He can make me edge until I cry. He can tell me I’m allowed to cum, and then at the last moment, change his mind. He can make it the worst ruin I’ve ever had.

“I just… I just want to cum. Even a ruin. Please…”

He paused, and I already regretted what I had just asked him.

“I’ll think about it.”

And so here I am. Touching hopelessly. Edging until I can’t take anymore. That’s what I am, now. A denial slut who begs for a ruin.

And I don’t even get that.

[deniedpoppy]

Day 15: why is it so hot?

Female, 20-something, will sleep with anyone who has air con. Will have anal sex in exchange for iced coffee. Happy if left covered in cum and bruises. Hasn't had an orgasm in two weeks. Regular repetitions of "good girl" will facilitate continued obedience. It is recommended to fuck her harder if she cries. Secretly likes meanness. Does not like heatwaves.

[deniedpoppy]

Day 5: back to work and back to basics

I'm very happy I'm back at work today. I played with myself pretty much non-stop this weekend. It got obsessive, and a little bit unhealthy. Today, it's back to basics. I edged quickly and softly in the shower. I'll briefly edge again this afternoon. And when I come home tonight I'll limit myself to one or two edges. James said we could have a ruin, but I don't want one. The hormonal drop makes me feel horrible, and it makes me want to quit the challenge. It's really hard. I have to do this alone, without support from anyone, without cuddles or encouragement from anyone. I feel sad and alone today. I just want to be held by strong safe arms, and told that I am strong and I can do this. I'm always almost deciding to quit. It's so hard to do this alone. So today I'm back to basics. Nothing too painful or extreme. Just a few edges. And no cumming.