Tell us about the saddest you've ever been. Is it a moment you are in any way grateful for?
Wow, that's a great question.
Whenever there's a question with a superlative in it, like "What's your (most) favorite song?" I think, "How can I pick, there are so many?" And, that was my first reaction to this, too. I've had a life, like anyone's life, that has had its share of great moments of sadness. Do I have to make a comprehensive list and rank them?
That thought lasted for a bout three seconds, at which point my lizard brain responded with, "Hey, remember the time that…?"
I was crying, sobbing, keening, wailing. I was praying for the end of the world. When people say they wish the ground would just open up and swallow them? Well, it wasn't *that* specific thought, but I get it now. I understand what they mean.
See, I had had a crush on this girl in high school, but we ended up becoming friends. Though we went to college in states on different sides of the country we stayed in touch. Even though email was becoming a common thing at the time, we still sent physical letters to each other. It was nice.
And then she did a year abroad in graduate school, and we lost touch. Years passed. I moved back to Arizona. And one day I decided to try to track her down. I forget exactly what made me think that she might be living in Phoenix again, but I picked up a Phoenix phonebook, and found her (uncommon) last name and first initial. Called. Got a generic answering machine message, but left my name and number and an explanation in case it wasn't her. But it was! And she called back!
So we made plans, and I drove the 100 miles to Phoenix to see her. And there was vibe there, you know? And I saw her a few more weekends, making that drive. It's not a bad drive, you know, when it feels like you're in fairy tale high-school-crush-reunited possible romance.
Until then one day it wasn't that. And she didn't feel that way. And it hurt like a motherfucker.
It wasn't until after I was married, and the marriage fell apart, that I saw. The problem in my marriage… well, there were lots of problems. I made a list a couple of years afterward. It felt complete when I got up to about 30. But the root problem, really, was that I fell in love with who I thought my wife was, instead of who she really was. I let that image, that fantasy, blind me to reality.
Looking back, I think the same lesson applies to that crush of mine. I still know her. We're still friends. I'm able to see who she is today and think, yes, it is good that we are not together. She is not now who I thought she was. Maybe she wasn't then, either. But I got to kiss her, and hold her, and believe for a brief moment. So, yes, on the whole, I am grateful for that, all of it, the joy and the sorrow.
