As I am coming out of my latest dysphoria/ptsd/ burnout/ hellscape. I have been thinking a lot about how I view myself and what beliefs I am letting hold true in my head.
A large part of my dysphoria comes from a lot of my formative really fucking up my concept of what is and isn't attractive, my self image, and self esteem.
I knew going into my transition that I was never going to be the tiny 90's model the young girl inside of me so desperately wanted to be.
What I hadn't really accounted for is how entrenched that image of myself as a 5 foot nothing girl was informing my sense of self-worth.
At some point during my transition, my feeling good about the changes became less about what I am gaining and instead on what I don't have.
Between stress, disorders, and the state of the world. I let my mental patterns slip back into defining myself by what I am not. By how I am not woman enough.
The thing is... I don't even want to be that image I am comparing myself to! So yes, dysphoria, you are fucking correct. I am not a 5ft 100 lbs patriarchal/ white supremacy standard of what is fuckable.
For once, and from now on, I am going to talk about what I am. What I am is a god damn warrior woman. I am 5'8" 195 lbs with 42.5% muscle mass, and 20% body fat mass.
I can bench my body weight. I can squat and deadlift well over it. I run an under 7 minute mile and have a 46" vertical jump.
I have the body of a professional athlete, and I use it to practice Hung Gar Kung fu and have literally broken people's bones by blocking their attacks.
And I do it all while looking like this:
Am I the hottest woman in existence? Of course not. But what I am is pretty damn good for coming out of a 33 year old 300 lbs man.
What I am is a self-made woman who uses that strength and knowledge to better her community. What I am is so much more than I am not.
And ya know what? Still pretty damn fuckable if I say so myself 🤭