John
Ever see those guys going 90 miles per hour on the side of the road on a bike, sporting a human leotard that makes them look like a giant baby? Yeah, that’s John. He’s a real “apple a day keeps the doctor away” kind of guy, always trying to force his gluten-free veganism on you when you really don’t want to hear it. The thing with John is, he doesn’t know his preaching bothers the crap out of you. He is completely oblivious to his suburban dad-ness, and thinks every syllable he speaks is gold.
John lives in a McMansion on Greenway Road, with his wife Greta and his two kids Abby and Bryson. Who, you guessed it, play team sports. No way John is going to let his kids grow up to be a couple of degenerates knocking over displays at Hot Topic. No, not on his watch. They’re going to be dermatologists or hygienists just like he and his wife, and go to the prestigious prep school in town. Then, they will study abroad, join sororities, and live a cookie cutter life.
He may be annoying, but John, in all his suburban, tanned glory, might just be someone to look up to. Yeah, he’s that guy you try to run away from when you catch his eye at the grocery store. And sure, he may have a too-pearly-white cheshire cat smile. But, he only wants the best for everyone. I cannot believe I am saying this, but I think we could all use a John in our life. That little voice whispering in our ear, “That’s loaded with trans fat, try an avocado instead”.